Why should you justify yourself? No one is more equipped and qualified to make the decisions that matter for your life, health, and happiness. And even if you don’t feel equipped and qualified to do that, it’s still your life, and you have to live with the consequences of those choices.
Everyone has an opinion, and most of them just aren’t all that well thought out, intelligent, or informed. That’s why you should trust yourself more than the approval of others. If you want to shift your mentality that way, these nine common traits can help you get there.
1. They trust themselves.
People who don’t feel compelled to justify their lives believe in their own judgment and don’t look for outside approval to validate their decisions. As therapist Dr Charlton Hall illustrates, this is an example of internal validation versus external. You won’t find the person with healthy internal validation polling all of their friends and family for their opinions on what they should do with their life or the choices they need to make.
They know that they’ve done their due diligence, and now it’s time for them to make a choice, a choice that will affect their life. The critics may have a lot to say, but ultimately, they aren’t the ones who will need to live with the repercussions of that choice.
They’re not going to step in and shoulder whatever burden comes from it. They’ve got their own lives and problems to deal with.
2. They are comfortable with imperfection.
Confident people understand that there’s no such thing as perfect. They know they don’t need to be right all the time, and they can accept that other people will disagree with them. Other people may not like or approve of the decisions, and that’s okay. They’re entitled to their opinions.
Most things aren’t perfect, and perfectionists are telling themselves a comforting lie when they convince themselves that their work is perfect. As this study demonstrates, perfectionism is typically the result of anxiety or self-esteem issues. It’s attempting to keep control, even when the actual results are out of your hands.
As a writer, this was actually something I learned from writing. I can pour all the time in the world into creating something that I view as perfect. However, that doesn’t mean the audience is going to agree with me. They may have an entirely different interpretation, or maybe I made a mistake I didn’t catch, or any other number of things that may sully the perfection.
There can’t be such a thing as perfect because writing is art, and art is subjective. Similarly, your life is an ongoing work of art, something that you can work at creating every single day if you so desire. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t understand your decisions, don’t think it’s good enough, or think you can do better. There are always critics, no matter how perfect you think you can be.
3. They have clear personal values.
The people who truly know themselves understand the different cogs in the machine that make them tick. They’ve taken the time to explore their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. That gives them the power and ability to make decisions that they know reflect their own desires and moral code.
There’s an old saying: “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” That statement addresses the need to have personal values. It speaks to how confusing and disorienting it can be to have no real values. It also speaks the very real truth about how much easier it is to manipulate or walk on people who don’t stand for anything because there’s nothing in their brains saying, “Hey. I’m not cool with this.”
4. They are emotionally mature.
Emotional maturity is understanding that everyone has an opinion, and those opinions are not a verdict on self-worth. You shouldn’t need the approval of others to do what you feel is right for your life. And even if they have an opinion – so what? It doesn’t have to matter if you don’t want it to.
You don’t have to leave your emotional development up to chance, and you shouldn’t. Too many people just get older while never maturing. But you have tools like self-help and therapy that can help you better learn to accept, process, and embrace your own emotions. That, in turn, translates to greater emotional maturity and emotional intelligence, which leads to more confidence in your own ability.
5. They have healthy boundaries.
There comes a point where your responsibility ends, and someone else’s begins. You don’t need to worry so much about doing wrong if you’re doing what you’re supposed to, or what you feel is right. That’s where boundaries come in.
Healthy boundaries come about because someone took the time to fully understand themselves, their needs, and how to maintain them in a proper way. And justifying oneself is not part of that.
Not only do these individuals have healthy boundaries for themselves, but they are respectful of others’ boundaries as well. That respect is part of the emotional maturity that one needs to live true to oneself.
6. They can accept criticism.
People without a strong sense of self often have a difficult time accepting constructive criticism or letting unfair criticism go. They tend to take criticism as a personal attack on the quality of their character, intelligence, or life, even when it’s not. In truth, it’s just other people having opinions, which they are going to have.
Constructive criticism is necessary to do things well or grow. You need to hear things you don’t want to hear so you can address them and improve. That is fairly common knowledge. What isn’t fairly common knowledge is how important it is to be able to tune out wrong criticism and not have it mess up your plans, day, or life. Sometimes, you just have to shrug and get on with your day.
7. They have a low need for external validation.
After you become comfortable and confident in yourself, you’ll find that you can take great pleasure in knowing that you acted authentically, and that becomes your validation. That is, you act in a way that is true to your values and ideals, regardless of what other people think about it.
Acting authentically isn’t always the best thing to do, but it is most often the right thing to do, even if it brings consequences. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s much better to be chastised or criticized for doing what you felt was right than it is to commit a wrong to keep the peace. It’s far easier to live with, in my experience.
8. They respect differences.
A confident person doesn’t feel threatened by the differences of others. Instead, they are accepting, if not curious, and they understand that another person’s differences don’t take anything away from them. In fact, it can really only add to their experience by introducing a whole new, different perspective.
That’s the wonderful thing about the differences in all of the lives we lead. Each life is colorful and unique if you let it be. Unfortunately, some people can’t because they are living for the approval of others instead of following their own path.
9. They often exude quiet confidence.
The demeanor in which they carry themselves often exudes confidence because they are sure of themselves. They know that whatever it is they are doing, or whatever they are involved in, it’s the right thing for them. There’s no second-guessing or anxiety over certain decisions when you are fully aware and accepting of yourself.
That is really the struggle, isn’t it? To become aware of oneself means you have to look at all the things you might not like about yourself, and then be challenged to accept them, even love them. That’s a tall order, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor.
Final thoughts…
Confidence is the foundation of self-validation in one’s own skills and abilities. It’s what drives a person who doesn’t feel like they need to justify themselves, who lives their life on their own terms, regardless of what others think.
The way to build confidence is to succeed. Create small goals that build up to big goals, and start crushing life out of the park! Big gains are made in small steps, after all.
