Most parents dream of the day their children become independent adults whom they genuinely enjoy spending time with. Perhaps you imagine family dinners filled with laughter, phone calls that aren’t emergencies, and relationships built on mutual respect and affection.
But sometimes, despite years of love and sacrifice, the relationship ends up feeling unbalanced. If you find yourself constantly giving while rarely receiving, always available while being taken for granted, you might be in a one-sided relationship with your adult child.
Here are 8 signs to look out for.
1. They only call when they need something.
When your phone rings and you see their name, there’s that split second of hope. Maybe this time they’re calling to chat, to see how you are, to share something good from their day.
But then comes the familiar script. The car needs repairs that they can’t afford. They need you to watch the kids this weekend. Could you help with the rent this month? The request always follows the same pattern—a brief “How are you?” before diving into what they actually need.
You might find yourself feeling disappointed, then guilty for being disappointed. After all, parents are supposed to help their children, right? Well, yes, but you’re their parent, not their doormat. All healthy relationships require reciprocity. Friends don’t only call when they need favors. Partners don’t only reach out when they want something. The relationship between a parent and adult child is no different.
2. Your conversations are all about them.
Conversations should be a two-way street. Yet, often in unbalanced relationships, the conversational traffic flows only in one direction. If this situation sounds familiar, you probably find that you often ask about your adult child’s job, their relationships, or their plans for the weekend. And they talk at length about their life and opinions. You listen, engage, and offer support and advice when asked. And then… nothing.
If they do hang around long enough to listen to you talk about your life, you can sense their attention wandering. Their responses become generic: ”That’s nice” or “Oh, okay, “before they steer the conversation back to their world. It feels like they view your role as solely to listen, support, and validate their experiences while your own thoughts and feelings remain unexpressed, unexplored, and seemingly irrelevant.
3. Plans are always on their terms.
Adult kids are busy. They have their own lives. That’s to be expected. But in mutually caring relationships, people find the time to prioritize each other. Yet, your birthday dinner gets postponed (again) because your adult child has a friend’s party that same weekend. Or holiday celebrations revolve entirely around their schedule, their preferences, and their availability.
Parents whose adult kids take far more than they give often find themselves constantly accommodating, always flexible, perpetually available. Because they’re so desperate to keep that connection with their child, they may turn down invitations from friends, rearrange their own commitments, and clear their calendar whenever their child expresses interest in spending time together.
But the irony here is that the eagerness to make yourself available actually teaches your child that your time has no value. As the saying goes, “You teach people how to treat you.” They learn that you’ll always adjust, always wait, always prioritize their schedule over your own. And you’re the one who pays the price as a result.
4. They guilt-trip you when you’re not available.
The one time you can’t drop everything to help them, you’re met with sighs, passive-aggressive comments, or direct attacks on your character as a parent. If you have the audacity to have your own commitments, they become stroppy, sullen, and sarcastic in a way that would rival their teen years.
When your child expects too much, you’re made to feel selfish for having plans, unreasonable for having boundaries, and inadequate for not being constantly at their beck and call.
But healthy adult relationships shouldn’t involve guilt-tripping and emotional punishment for being unavailable. If your friends can understand when you’re busy and your partner can respect your other commitments, there’s no reason why your grown child can’t, too.
5. They treat your home like a hotel (when they do visit).
When your adult child visits, they arrive expecting meals prepared, beds made, and entertainment provided. They settle in at your house like guests at a luxury resort, contributing little to the household while expecting full service from their personal staff—you.
They leave dishes in the sink, towels on the floor, and messes in their wake. They raid your refrigerator without asking, use up your groceries without replacing them, and treat your space worse than their own.
Of course, it’s nice to host and look after people when they come to visit, but good house guests don’t take your hospitality for granted. They’ll usually bring something to contribute, offer to help with meals or the dishes, and reciprocate the care you show them.
Whilst you might just be grateful they’re visiting at all, you may want to ask yourself what tolerating this behavior teaches them, both about your relationship and life in general.
6. Emotional support flows only in one direction.
When kids are young, it’s natural that we’re the ones caring for them, with little emotional support in return. It’s what we signed up for in those early years, after all. And whilst no one wants to burden their child, whatever their age, we should be able to expect some level of support once our children are grown.
Yet that’s not how it always works out. In one-sided relationships, you’ll find you’ve become their emotional support system while they’ve never learned to be yours. You’re there for their heartbreak, work stress, and life dramas. Yet when you’re facing your own challenges, such as dealing with loss, health concerns, or difficult life transitions, they’re nowhere to be seen.
You might want to consider why this is. Perhaps they’ve never been taught that relationships require reciprocal care. Maybe they genuinely don’t realize that parents have emotional needs beyond being needed. Or possibly, they’ve learned that your role is to be strong and available. Whatever the reason, this imbalance will likely create resentment over time and leave you feeling emotionally depleted when you most need support yourself.
7. You feel exhausted after spending time with them.
If you look forward to seeing your adult child but find yourself drained afterward, that’s a red flag about the state of your relationship.
Parents who notice this pattern often dismiss it initially. Maybe you had a busy day, you tell yourself, or perhaps you’re just getting older and tire more easily. And those things may be true. But if it happens specifically after time spent with your child and not others, you’re likely working overtime to manage the relationship dynamic.
Perhaps you spend hours listening to their complaints, managing their moods, or walking on eggshells to keep the peace. You’re constantly “on.” Monitoring their reactions, adjusting your responses, and suppressing your own needs to accommodate theirs.
The most telling sign is probably that you feel relief when they leave (followed immediately by guilt about that relief). You love them deeply, but spending time together has become work rather than joy.
8. They cancel plans last minute and don’t follow through on promises.
Parents in one-sided relationships will know this sort of scenario intimately. Your adult child promises to help you with something weekend, but when the time comes, they’re suddenly too busy. They swear they’ll call you back later, and then… silence. They say they’re free for dinner, you cook their favourite meal, and then comes the “Sorry, can we reschedule?” text. What makes it even worse is when there’s no real explanation, no genuine apology, and definitely no acknowledgment that you’ve just wasted your entire Saturday on preparation.
You wouldn’t accept this unreliable behavior from friends (or maybe you would, but you shouldn’t). Yet your adult child seems to have learned that parents always forgive, always reschedule, and always remain available for the next attempt. Essentially, they’ve learned that your time has no value, so why would they value it?
Final thoughts…
You are not a bad parent, and it’s unlikely your child is intentionally using you (if they are, that’s a whole other issue). It’s likely you’ve just worked your way into this unhealthy relationship dynamic.
The reality may seem harsh, but it’s freeing: you can only control your own actions. If you’re unhappy with this unbalanced relationship, it’s time to start setting boundaries, stepping back from over-functioning, and refusing treatment you wouldn’t accept from friends.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is stop enabling one-sided dynamics. Your adult child may or may not change when they realize you won’t be treated this way anymore, but either way, you can stop participating in relationships that drain rather than nourish you.
