One of my favorite lines from the Gladiator film is the one delivered by Oliver Reed’s character, Proximo. He said, “What we do in life echoes in eternity”. In a similar vein, the foundations that a person lays in midlife will directly influence how their later years unfold.
If you’ve been doing the things listed below once you hit middle age, you’re certain to experience far less happiness as you get older. Fortunately, it’s not too late to nip these in the bud, thus ensuring that your elder years are, indeed, golden, rather than dross.
1. De-prioritizing the pursuits that make you happy.
Perhaps you set aside your creative pursuits or the books you’ve been hoping to read for ages in favor of chores or other obligations. Basically, what you feel that you “have” to do perpetually gets pushed to the front of the list, with all the things you’ve been wanting to do ending up as the lowest priority. Eventually, you end up bitter and resentful because you never have a chance to do the things you love, as your life revolves around duty and obligation.
Make a point of doing something you love every day, even if it’s just in small stops and starts. Read for half an hour while enjoying your morning coffee, or once you’ve gotten into bed at night. Adopt a dog if you need a “valid excuse” to take daily walks in the park, and schedule dedicated time to work on those craft projects that are just gathering dust.
2. Fixating upon everything you “used to be.”
Most of us know at least a few people who constantly go on about everything they “used to be.” Some will talk at length about how good-looking and popular they were in their youth, while others will cite their athletic achievements, and so on.
We have all changed exponentially over time, but being bitter about the things you think you’ve lost will only make you (and everyone around you) miserable as you get older. Instead, focus on the person you have become. Place emphasis on becoming the most idealized version of yourself that you’re capable of being, with everything you have available to you — both at this point, and moving forward.
3. Focusing on regret instead of gratitude.
None of us has been able to do everything we’ve wanted to in life, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t had amazing adventures of a different sort. In fact, you may have lived a life that someone else always dreamed about, but you dismiss your own experiences because they didn’t fit what you thought you wanted.
When you focus on regrets about “what might have been” or what you “should” have been able to do, accomplish, experience, and so on, you dishonor all the wonderful things you did get a chance to do.
For example, you may not have married your high school sweetheart, but perhaps you’ve had a beautiful life with someone who loves you dearly. Similarly, you may not have become a famous rock star, but you might have earned immense respect in your field of expertise, etc.
4. Worrying about your eventual expiration date.
Few things will steal today’s joy as much as worrying about tomorrow’s fate. Fear of aging and obsessing over every small bodily change as though it’s a sign of imminent soul departure will just fill you with fear and fix your focus on everything potentially wrong, instead of all the great things going on around you.
Death is inevitable, but worrying about it constantly is going to ruin whatever time you have left here. If you aren’t staring it in the face right this moment, then focus on what’s tangible right here and now. Are you in great company? Do you have a delicious cinnamon bun in front of you? Then enjoy the moment and deal with that doorway when you finally come to it.
5. Refusing to try (or learn) anything “new.”
How many of us have older relatives who are always demanding that other (usually younger) family members work the TV remote for them, or find something on their computer or tablet? They inevitably end up griping about new-fangled this or that, and how they’re too old to learn anything new anymore. The same goes for trying new types of food or different approaches to practices they’ve been doing all their lives.
What’s the point of living if you aren’t going to keep learning as you go? I can’t imagine going the rest of my life without trying new foods, discovering new music, or even trying out different types of body movement — even thoughts I might have side-eyed in the past. You can only decide whether you like something or not after you’ve tried it, and you may hold yourself back from discovering new favorites due to your own stubbornness.
6. Neglecting your relationships.
As people get older, they generally spend more time alone than with their friends, family, or community. That’s understandable in many ways, as our tolerance levels for other people’s drama drop dramatically. Isolating yourself from those around you can be seriously detrimental to your health, however, and withdrawing from those closest to you can damage your relationships more than you realize.
For example, you might think that because you’ve been married for several years, you don’t need to keep putting effort into your relationship with your partner. Like comfortable living room furniture, they’re around when you need them, right? In reality, “grey divorces” (people splitting up after the age of 50) are becoming more common, as older people keep neglecting their spouses while simultaneously expecting them to keep showing affection and care.
7. Being too critical of the people you claim to care about.
Nursing homes are full of elderly people who lament the fact that their children, nieces, nephews, and so on can’t be bothered to visit them, despite how much care they put into them when they were younger. In reality, many of these elders are reaping what they’ve sown: they alienated their own relatives with a never-ending barrage of criticism and cruelty, and now have a shocked Pikachu face when facing the reality of what they’ve wrought.
Take time to learn about your kids’ and grandkids’ interests instead of immediately dismissing them as stupid because they’re different from your own. Accept them as they are rather than trying to push them to become the versions of themselves that you’d prefer.
Any time you find yourself starting to say something critical or otherwise scathing, stop and say something positive instead. Your later years will be full of much more love and companionship if you don’t push everyone away by being a complete jerk.
8. Neglecting your health and strength.
It’s a challenging truth that we don’t have the same type of health and strength at midlife that we did in our teens and twenties. In our youth, many of us could spend several sleepless nights partying and eating absolute garbage, and still look like we were brimming with health. Now, after a few days of poor sleep and worse dietary intake, we look like compost that’s been left in the sun for a week.
If you want to maintain as much health as possible, prioritize balanced nutrition and physical activity — especially strength training that fits your situation and current capabilities — on a regular basis.
Just as important as keeping your mind and body strong is recognizing when you need to rest. A friend of mine is a gifted musician and DJ who’s still going strong at nearly 50, but the late nights and constant output are taking their toll on his health. From midlife onwards, you need to prioritize sleep, balanced eating habits, regular healthcare check-ins, and so on, or you’ll end up unhappy and regretful down the line.
Final thoughts…
How often have you come across miserable older people whom you don’t want to spend any time with because all they do is complain and criticize? Let them serve as perfect examples of how not to become as you age.
Any time you catch yourself echoing their behaviors, stop and do something positive instead. Are you groaning when you sit down or stand up? Do weight training to increase your strength. Griping about contemporary music? Immerse yourself in new tunes to discover something you enjoy.
Bottom line: don’t allow yourself to become what you despise.
