Have you ever made a great connection with a person that you thought had a lot of promise, only to discover later that they were being completely insincere with you? Or you thought you had a close friendship with someone, but later realized that they’d only gotten close to you because you could provide them with something they wanted? Unfortunately, not everyone who appears to like you has genuine intentions.
Keep an eye out for the behaviors listed here, as they’re often clear signs that someone is only pretending to like you — they don’t truly care about you at all.
1. False enthusiasm.
This person might greet you with an enormous smile and a big hug, but then pull away as soon as they’ve been sufficiently performative. Or, when you’re telling them about something you’re involved with, they’ll express how amazing it is and how much they love what you’re doing, but their words are hollow and saccharine.
People tend to offer overly effusive praise when they’re being insincere, because they’re playing a role. When enthusiasm is sincere, a person can’t help but exude it naturally: their eyes will often light up, their voice may rise, and they may even be physically demonstrative about it if that’s their thing. Very few people can fake enthusiasm sincerely. They’re so intent on making it seem that they’re being genuine that they end up doling it out far too thickly.
2. Expressing compliments right before they ask you for a favor.
When a person you’ve barely interacted with before (or haven’t seen in ages) suddenly compliments you after months (or years?) of tepid exchanges, you can be pretty certain that they’re buttering you up because they want something from you. By engaging in this less-than-subtle fake nice behavior, they’re showing you that they think you’re an idiot — especially if they go right to asking you for a favor immediately afterwards.
This happened to me ages ago when someone I’d been friends with in school got in touch with me about three years after I’d last seen him. He started going on about how much he admired and respected me for X pursuits I’d been engaged in, and then asked if I could hook him up with a job. I’d barely known the guy before, and we’d only exchanged a few passing phrases, but all of a sudden, he was my greatest admirer.
3. Potentially detrimental instigation.
They may try to goad you into doing something that has the potential to humiliate or harm you, then brush it off as a joke if you express negativity about it. Then they’re likely to gaslight you with phrases about “taking it the wrong way” or being “no fun at all”.
A person like this isn’t keeping you around because they like you or care about you. They like hanging out with you because you offer them some form of amusement, possibly because of the way that you react to things. They’ll wind you up or try to push you into situations that’ll cause you to respond in the manner that makes them laugh. Dance, monkey!
4. Backhanded positivity.
This person might say something that sounds like it could be a compliment (or other positive sentiment), but in reality, it’s more like backhanded praise or thinly veiled contempt. Others around may not clue into the subtext in their words, but even if they do, they’ll assume you’re okay with it if you don’t speak out about it.
For example, I knew a guy who was incredibly happy that he could finally afford a car (and his driver’s license) when he was in his early 30s, and felt that was a great achievement for him personally. The response from one of the others in our social group was to give him a big hug and congratulate him for achieving something that billions of teenagers achieve by age 16. To say that this response took the wind out of his sails would be an understatement.
5. Support when you’re doing badly, but jealousy when you’re doing well.
This is a person who’s super supportive and your biggest cheerleader when you’re struggling, but will transform into a critical, passive-aggressive jerk as soon as it appears that you’re succeeding in whatever you’re doing. Essentially, they sort of want to see you doing well as long as that success is hypothetical or doesn’t outshine theirs.
Similarly, they may be supportive if your life starts improving, as long as it’s not as well as they’re doing. As soon as you meet or exceed where they’re at, the jealous claws come out. At this point, they might even try to sabotage whatever it is you’re involved with so they can remain in their position of superiority.
6. They keep steering the conversation back to what they want from you.
Your acquaintance will happen to show up at a place you frequent regularly, and maybe offer to buy you a drink, ask how you’ve been, and so on. Not long after you start chatting, they’ll bring up an opportunity that you may be able to provide for them — usually something that’ll leave you in the lurch or otherwise put a strain on your life.
If you decline and redirect the conversation back to them (or any other topic, for that matter), they’ll play along for a bit and then steer things back to what they want from you. They’ll try several different approaches to see which one has the best chance of working on you and may even get hostile when they see that their salvos have failed. When they finally accept that it’s a no-go on your part, they’ll drop the friendliness and either insult you or walk off.
7. Selfish giving.
My partner and I joke about this and call it “selfish altruism”, because the entire intention behind the giving behavior is to receive something specific in turn. That could be an item, a favor, or even an opportunity that can only occur with someone else’s help (namely yours).
For example, let’s say that the acquaintance in question is super friendly with you because they want to get close to one of your friends, family members, or even your partner for one reason or another. This sometimes happens if your partner is well-connected: others will try to get close to you in order to have an “in” with your spouse. As such, they might buy tickets so you can all go to a gig together, then position themselves beside your friend or partner. Then they “just happen” to end up talking shop all night, much to your acquaintance’s benefit.
Final thoughts…
It can be quite disheartening to discover that the cool person you thought you were developing a friendship with turned out to only want you around for their benefit. Or worse, that you’re the social group’s greatest form of entertainment, and they’re pretending to be your friend because of the joy they get in talking badly about you when you aren’t around. This hits especially hard if you’ve been lonely for a while and think you’ve actually gotten in with a good crowd. Be discerning, protect your heart, and keep an eye out for the behaviors mentioned here.
