In a world full of noise, our attention is pulled in numerous directions. Everyone seems to have something they want to say, but it’s hard to hold people’s attention. However, there are strategies that influential people use to capture their audience’s attention, separating themselves from those who have average or below-average influence.
By understanding these strategies, you can use them yourself (or identify when other people are using them against you). Some of these strategies include the following:
1. Start with the listeners’ problem.
This is going to sound harsh, but it’s something I find myself repeating often. If you have or you’re looking for an audience, understand that most people don’t care nearly as much about you as they do about solving their problem. If you want to be influential, you need to understand what the listener’s problem is and how you can solve it.
A majority of the people you cross paths with do not care about you or what you have to say. Instead, they care about how you can help them.
Consider this article you’re reading right now. Are you here because you know who I am, and you care what I have to say? Probably not. You probably wanted to develop a better understanding of how to influence people and landed on this article as a result.
Those who really like this article might subscribe to the website newsletter, or search online for my name so they can read other things I wrote. But until I’ve earned that trust, I am fully aware that your priority is solving your problem. That problem is likely to be related to communication skills. Therefore, what I write is aimed at solving that problem.
Even now, when I’m talking about my perception and opinion, I’ve framed the whole thing as “why you should understand this” instead of “look what I have to say!” So ask yourself, “How can I best present what I have to say in a way that solves my audience’s problem?”
2. Control the framing of the idea.
As Professor Robert M. Entman of Northwestern University writes, the framing of an idea is all about the greater context. An idea can be good, bad, interesting, or boring depending on how it’s framed. If you’re trying to influence or change opinions, then you want to ensure that you are defining the frame in a way that will help the audience understand your idea.
That can be kind of abstract to think about, so consider this example. Let’s say Sarah and Bill are at work. Sarah says to her colleagues, “We lost a lot of money on our product. I think it’s because we missed the mark with our audience with the tone of our promotion. And here is the data to prove it…” She brings with her a report of performance indicators to prove her idea.
Bill pipes up with, “Nah. It wasn’t the tone of the ad. It’s because the product doesn’t solve the customer’s problem. It’s missing a feature that the customer wants!” That’s a valid thought, but it’s “whataboutism” and is going to pull people away from Sarah’s point.
But what about the product features? Bill is changing the framing of the problem. Now, if Sarah doesn’t keep the group focused, they are going to get distracted from her idea. To hold onto the frame, Sarah can say something like, “That’s an interesting thought, Bill, but let’s look at this customer data first before we look at that.”
3. Use vulnerability as part of the overall strategy.
Dr. Dave Smallen writes that vulnerability is powerful because it’s both authentic and different. Social media and social situations are polluted with people posturing, pretending that they are something that they’re not. And because of that, authenticity stands out. In a lot of cases, you can just tell when someone is pretending to be something they’re not, because there is so much defensiveness. They don’t want anyone looking too closely or asking the wrong questions.
Instead, you can utilize vulnerability to help build trust, which helps you influence people. That doesn’t mean you should trauma dump or overshare. Why? Well, remember, point one. It’s not about you, it’s about the audience. How does sharing what you want to share help solve the audience’s problem? If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t need to be shared if being influential is your goal.
4. Let them “win” on smaller, less important points.
Influence is a macro-level perspective. Details of the subject matter are micro-level. If you have a greater point that you’re trying to make, it’s okay to concede on details rather than argue them all. The important thing is that you stay focused on the bigger vision.
To go back to my previous example, the macro-level is the two coworkers who are trying to figure out why the product launch flopped. Within that macro, they are trying to figure out the details. Sarah believes she has proof of exactly why the launch flopped, but Bill is pitching his idea of a lack of an important product feature.
It would be unwise for Sarah to completely discount Bill in this situation. Instead, she can help prove her point by embracing Bill’s opinion. Saying something like “Let’s talk about that after we talk about the numbers, so we can make sure we get it right!” does a few things for Sarah.
First, it keeps Bill engaged in the conversation. If she had just shut him down, he would get defensive and maybe angry. The meeting then gets derailed because they’re arguing. The second is that this helps build trust and rapport with Bill. Even if he’s wrong, he’ll still appreciate the fact that he’s being listened to. And last, Bill might be right, but maybe he isn’t 100% right.
Maybe the product was missing an important feature, but the promotion strategy was also mistargeted. They are much more likely to get to the truth of the matter if they are both openly communicating. That won’t happen if Sarah just says, “No. You’re wrong.” And, if Bill happens to be right? Sarah’s misplaced certainty will undermine others’ confidence in her.
5. Let go of the need for immediate agreement.
When it comes to influencing others, most people aren’t going to immediately change their minds. Personally, this has long been a struggle for me. There are so many times when I’ve had someone tell me I was wrong about something, and they would always fall back to: “Just trust me.”
My answer is no, I won’t. At least, I won’t on something I’m familiar with and understand to be correct. Even when I have medical appointments, I know I don’t have their level of education or understanding, but they need to be able to explain things to me so that I can understand. I never take any claims purely at face value because I want to understand the details before formulating an opinion. And if I’m wrong, then they should be able to either clearly articulate why I’m wrong or point me to the correct information. If you can’t do that, then no, I don’t believe or trust it.
I know I can be wrong. I’m open to being wrong. But I also examine my opinions regularly to ensure they fit with the facts as best as I understand them. Now, if you’re trying to influence someone like me, I may not agree with you immediately. Instead, I may say, “Hey, I need to do a bit of reading on this before I decide.”
Then, after I do my reading, I’ll address anything I don’t understand or anything I believe to be incorrect with the person. Once I have a clearer understanding, then I will change my opinion. For someone to influence me, they need to give me time, space, and patience for me to sort through it. That’s true for a whole lot of people when you’re trying to change minds, particularly on serious matters.
6. Use softer language to provide space for a change of opinion.
As someone who used to think of himself as brutally honest, I eventually came to realize that the way you deliver a message is more important than the actual message. The problem with brutal honesty and absolute statements is that they feel like an attack.
If I say, “No, you’re wrong” when you’re wrong, you may be less inclined to listen. It takes a degree of self-awareness and acceptance to admit when you’re wrong. In many people, absolute statements like that cause them to raise their defenses, dig in harder, and double down, even if they are wrong. At that point, it becomes a matter of respect.
It’s far better to use softer language. My personal go-to is, “Hm. That’s interesting. You know, the way I understand it is…” I acknowledge their statement as truth, because I find that in a lot of cases, they do have a piece of the truth, so they aren’t actually completely wrong. And when I listen and acknowledge the truth in what they are saying, they are more likely to listen to what I have to say, too.
Closing thoughts…
Whether you realize it or not, every day we use influence in our regular lives. Maybe you’re in a meeting trying to convince coworkers, or maybe you’re trying to convince your spouse to go along with an idea you have. In either scenario, the same rules apply. A soft touch that comes from authenticity will go much farther than trying to force an issue.
Patience is necessary, because some people need time to change their mind – and that’s okay. In fact, I personally prefer it. I would rather they double-check, because if I am wrong, then I want to be knowledgeable enough to change my opinion. There’s nothing wrong with being wrong.
