It’s often shocking to realize that someone in your social circle is a bigot, especially if they’ve done a pretty good job of hiding it until that point. All of a sudden, your eyes widen and your fork hovers in midair because someone you thought you knew has said or done something that shocked you into silence. That’s when you start wondering if they’ve always been this way, and you’ve just been oblivious up until now.
Here are 8 common signs to look out for if you want to spare yourself the disappointment and keep your distance.
1. Their body language speaks louder than their voice ever could.
Bigots often reveal themselves with subtle behaviors rather than overt ones. For example, they may be able to consciously maintain the facade of acceptance and support towards their colleagues and acquaintances, but how they respond when they think nobody’s looking tells a very different story indeed.
For instance, if they’re in an elevator and someone of a different ethnic background draws near, they may pull their belongings closer, more protectively. Similarly, if they see someone whose gender expression or sexual orientation they don’t approve of, they might look that person up and down scornfully before turning away.
2. They generalize about “those people.”
Even if they’re making a fumbling attempt to be complimentary, they’ll treat an entire race, religion, culture, or community as though they’re all alike. Essentially, they’ll assume that because they read something about a person who falls under X umbrella, or they know someone in one of those groups, that they have a well-informed perspective about everyone who may share that person’s traits.
For example, I grew up in a fairly homogeneous area where most of us shared the same European background, but there were a couple of Asian kids in my classes at school. A teacher of ours gave one of them a hard time about being bad at math due to his cultural background, expecting him to be naturally gifted in that subject. It’s possible that the teacher sincerely believed that to be the case, but it was shockingly offensive even 30+ years ago.
3. They comment on a person’s race/religion/etc. when it bears no relevance to the story they’re sharing.
If the average person watches a funny video or shares a story about something they witnessed, they usually stick to what happened in it rather than details about the individuals involved. The exception to this is if something about said individuals had specific relevance to the story they’re telling, and that detail was important for the story to make sense.
In contrast, a bigot will make a point of mentioning certain traits about the people involved that bear no relevance to the story. Does it matter that the person reading on the park bench with their cute pet had a certain skin color or body shape?
4. “…for X type of person.”
They may think that they’re being kind or complimentary, but a person ending their sentence with this kind of microaggression reveals the bigotry they’re trying to hide. It tells those around them that they either think less of this person for being of a particular marginalized group or that they have strange, biased perceptions of the group they belong to.
For example:
“Your friend is remarkably well spoken for someone of X culture.”
“I’m not surprised you’re dating that person! They’re really good looking for someone of X race.”
“Your skill is impressive, for a (person of X gender).”
None of these comments is okay, and they are solid clues that this person is a bigot in disguise.
5. Their “jokes” are terribly offensive, but they refuse to accept why.
They might see nothing wrong with making a “joke” that’s disrespectful or insulting towards a particular group because they think everyone feels the same way, or that what they’re saying is “no big deal.” Furthermore, if someone calls them out on this behavior, they’ll dismiss it by insisting that the one complaining just doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Examples of this kind of “humor” may include implying that women are incompetent, that people of a certain ethnic background engage in X stereotypical behavior, or derisive comments about the LGBTQ+ community. Others might make disparaging remarks about people of a particular body size or who deal with mental illness, and then insist that they were “just kidding” when and if someone gets upset with them for doing so.
6. They’ll use coded language that excludes others.
Bigoted people often set themselves apart from others by placing people in different areas of importance — usually based on ethnicity or religion. They won’t say anything straight out because that would be awful of them, but will instead make subtle, coded comments focused on exclusion and othering.
For example, they’ll refer to countrymen who share their skin color and language as “real” ones and refer to those who don’t as immigrants or invaders. Similarly, they may refer to their preferred peer group as “regular” people, implying that there’s something wrong or otherwise deviant about those who don’t fit within their chosen parameters.
7. They’re condescending and infantilizing towards others — either verbally or through their actions.
People who haven’t had many opportunities to interact with those who are different from themselves often have preconceived (and ill-informed) ideas about them. As such, they’ll often behave in a manner that reflects their own misconceptions, rather than being respectful and courteous towards other human beings.
Examples of this may include tilting their head and baby talking to someone with cerebral palsy or a person with Down syndrome because they believe them to be incapable of understanding the world around them. They may also raise their voice a couple of octaves to speak to an elderly or disabled person in an infantilized, condescending manner, or speak to someone of a different ethnicity in a slow, simplified way — assuming without just cause that this individual either doesn’t speak their language, or only has rudimentary capability with it.
8. Their closest friends all look and behave the same way they do.
This is often one of the clearest signs that someone you know is a bigot, even if they do their best to try to hide it. When you get to know this person, you’ll discover that there’s little to no diversity in their friend group: just about everyone they choose to associate with has the same skin color, ethnic background, religion, and political leanings as they do.
While friend groups naturally reflect local demographics in less diverse areas, those living in multicultural regions usually have ample opportunity to build diverse connections. When surrounded by amazing people of all different cultures, religions, and walks of life, consistently choosing sameness reveals something about one’s priorities.
Final thoughts…
It’s often difficult to deal with bigotry from those close to us, especially in our inner circles. Some people choose to be non-confrontational and ignore bigoted behavior, while others freeze and don’t know how to address it.
If someone in your sphere says something offensive or inappropriate, consider telling them that you don’t understand what they mean and ask them to explain themselves. Quite often, in trying to explain what they’re trying to say, they realize just how ignorant or obnoxious they’re being. This can be an invaluable lesson for them, and an opportunity for soul searching and course correction.
