Kenny Rogers is famous for singing to us about the virtues of knowing “when to hold ‘em, when to fold ‘em, and when to walk away”. While stepping up and speaking out is the right thing to do in many situations, it’s also important to recognize when the best thing you could possibly do is keep your mouth shut and walk (or run) in the opposite direction.
The situations listed below are the most common ones that you should walk away from, even if your immediate inclination is to step up and engage instead.
1. When you don’t have all the facts.
Many of us have made a huge mess in relationships — with friends, family members, and romantic partners — when we said or did something in haste before gathering all the facts. Our imaginations can fill in the blanks when emotions are riding high, and we may be swift to assume and accuse when we’re feeling hurt, angry, or betrayed, based on snippets and shadows rather than a clear picture.
This is why it’s better to say (and do) nothing when faced with situations such as these. Go for a walk or a run, take some deep breaths, and don’t do anything you’ll end up second-guessing or backtracking on later. Then, once you’ve calmed down, gather as much information as possible and let those details inform your next actions.
2. When either of you is sick or recovering from an illness.
It’s very rare for someone to have clear mental faculties when they’re seriously ill or recovering from a severe illness. Nobody can make an informed decision when they’re running a blazing fever and are convinced that goblins are eating their bedspread. Similarly, if someone just got an awful diagnosis or is going through cancer treatment, they aren’t going to be functioning at 100 percent.
At times like these, people can say or do things that aren’t actually real or authentic. Pain, fear, and illness cloud our judgment and can make us react to things very poorly. As such, not only is it the best option to remain silent and walk away if we’re not feeling ourselves, but also if someone we love is lashing out unfairly in all directions.
3. When you’re inebriated.
Although “in vino, veritas” implies that we speak the truth when intoxicated, that doesn’t mean that all truths need to be shared. In fact, most relationships end up damaged when people are wholly honest with one another about everything they think about. You might think it’s a great idea to “tell it like it is” after several drinks, but it really isn’t.
Note: coming to after being anaesthetized also falls under this category. YouTube and TikTok are full of hilarious videos showing how ridiculously people behave when they’re coming out of sedation. If you’ve been put under for dental work or similar, you might want to wait a good 48 hours before you choose to interact with certain individuals, just in case you blurt something out that should have been left unsaid.
4. When the person you’re trying to reason with proves incapable of changing their view.
One of the greatest quotes I’ve read in recent years is: “You can’t reason someone out of a perspective that they didn’t reason themselves into”. Goodness knows, most of us have come across others who held perspectives that were completely wrong, and refused to be budged from their mindset. They firmly and completely believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows or that the Earth is flat, and that’s the hill they’ll die on.
If you’ve been having an impassioned discussion with someone that’s never going to get anywhere, and they won’t listen to reason regardless of how much tangible, dependable evidence you bring to the table, then it’s best to stop talking. As soon as you recognize that their wall of toxic idiocy can’t be breached, it’s futile to waste another breath on them. Just stop talking, and walk away: they aren’t worth another moment of your time.
5. When you’re angry or grieving.
How many times have you said something you didn’t actually mean because you flashed with anger in the moment? Words spoken cannot be caught by the swiftest of horses, and no matter how bad you feel, how much you apologize, or how you try to make amends, you can never unsay what you’ve said.
Blurting things in anger often happens to younger people who haven’t yet learned how to control their emotions (or their behavior), but it can happen at any time — especially if someone is stressed, grieving deeply, or otherwise worn thin.
Saying nothing and walking away from a tense, anger-filled situation doesn’t mean that you’re accepting mistreatment or that you’re invalidating your own anger response. Rather, it means that you’re choosing to remain in control of yourself and will address the issue accordingly once you’re calmer.
6. If you have just experienced someone betraying you.
Betrayal can take many forms, and it’s always brutal. People I know have shared stories of betrayal, ranging from hearing their doctor laughing about their health condition to a colleague, to walking in on their partner doing unspeakable things to their own sibling after Christmas dinner.
If something like this happens, your best option is to remain silent and leave the area. Nothing good will come of confronting them immediately while emotions are turbulent. The best thing you can do is take some time and distance away, and then address things calmly and rationally once you’ve worked through all your feelings and determined the best course of action for moving forward from there.
7. When you feel you’re being drawn into a trap.
Most of us have experienced situations in which a person has asked us a question that felt more like a trap. For example, if a partner asks which of their friends you’d date if they died unexpectedly, or if you’d still love them if they weighed 800 pounds.
These trap questions will undoubtedly lead to arguments, no matter what you say, so the best course of action is to just say nothing and walk away. If they try to bring it up again, change the subject, or suddenly find something incredibly important to do in another part of the house. There’s no answer you can give in this situation that will be seen as the “right” one, so saying nothing is the only good option available.
8. When you’re at risk of saying something that you may regret later.
One of my favorite films is Withnail and I, in which two 20-something young men navigate life in 1960s London. In one notable scene, the lead character (Withnail) spouts off arrogantly in defense of his friend while they’re in a pub together. This ends up drawing the ire of a large, angry man twice his size who’s quite keen to inflict violence upon his rather slender person.
This is a perfect example of why it’s so important to be aware of your surroundings and to be measured in your actions accordingly. The last thing you want is to say or do something potentially incendiary when you’re outweighed, outnumbered and will undoubtedly regret the consequences of your hasty actions. While it may be noble to defend someone you care about when somebody else is slandering them, keeping all of your respective limbs intact and the blood inside your body is a greater priority.
9. When whoever you’re talking to isn’t in their right mind.
It’s really quite futile to attempt a conversation with someone who’s too drunk, angry, or mentally unstable to be able to engage with you properly. Either they’re incapable of understanding what you’re trying to say, or they’ll twist what’s said and get aggressive towards you.
Another thing that may happen is that you may end up getting condemned for saying something that was badly misconstrued by the individual in question or was misinterpreted by those witnessing the exchange. If someone is frothing and spinning around, intent on being belligerent and possibly fighting anyone who comes close, keep your distance and walk away. You can’t be accused of mistreating someone if you aren’t anywhere near them.
Final thoughts…
Choosing to walk away from these situations doesn’t imply weakness or cowardice on your part. In fact, it’s usually the wisest course of action. A great leader doesn’t push their forces into enemy territory on a foggy night when there’s a risk of them being severely harmed: holding them back is a way to prevent casualties and escalation. Far from being shameful, this tactic shows great understanding and strategy, and the awareness that both clarity and resolution will be better found another time, in the clear light of day.
