A lot of people get into the habit of saying things without fully understanding the intentions behind their words: they’ve grown so accustomed to using certain turns of phrase that they’re second nature, rather than conscious choices.
For example, those who are deeply insecure may use the phrases listed below regularly simply because they’ve been doing so for years, likely in response to experiences in their childhood or young adulthood. Since its second nature to them, they don’t realize that they’re actually seeking validation every time they repeat them.
1. “Can you look at this? I know it’s not good, but…”
A person who uses a phrase such as this likely knows full well that they’ve knocked it out of the park: they just want someone to tell them how amazing they are. This is behavior you might see from straight-A honor students in selective schools after they’ve “just thrown together” a science fair project that accurately detects cancer while generating electricity from dandruff or something.
Even though they technically know that they’ve done well, they always ask others to witness their latest deeds as a way of receiving external praise. They desperately need this validation from others to reassure them that yes, they have done a good job, and they deserve recognition for it.
2. “Don’t you think…?” or “You agree with me, right?”
People who feel insecure about their own beliefs or perspectives invariably need others to help validate them. They may not feel true convictions about these stances, but instead have tied some aspect of their own ego or personality to them and therefore feel unbalanced when they come across someone who disagrees with them or challenges them.
Since it makes them uncomfortable to examine the things they’ve held sacred for so long, they put the onus on the other person to reassure them by agreeing with what they’ve said. Even if they can’t fully convert that other person to their belief or way of thinking, they just want reassurance. If they don’t receive it, then conflict and division are sure to follow. Ultimately, they’re not interested in your honest thoughts, nor do they want to debate in a healthy manner: they just want to hear “you’re right”, so they can move on with their lives.
3. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. I know that other things are more important than I am.”
This one often happens when someone wants your attention when you’re doing your own thing. They’re so keen on having their position in your life validated that they’ll go out of their way to interrupt whatever you’re doing. If you stop and pay attention to them, then there’s the validation they’re seeking. And if you don’t, then it “proves” to them that they aren’t as important to you as the pursuit you had been engrossed in.
This also happens when people feel insecure about your pursuits and capabilities as compared to their own. For example, people would often interrupt me when I was working out, so I’d be forced to stop and pay attention to them instead. This usually came from those who felt self-conscious about their own fitness levels and sought to sabotage mine for their own satisfaction. If I didn’t stop, then I was labeled as self-absorbed, superficial/shallow, and neglectful.
4. “I don’t know…”
There’s a terribly endearing internet personality who goes by the name of Onyx the Fortuitous. The persona he has created is a deeply vulnerable, awkward, but fiercely intelligent person who undermines himself constantly by saying “I don’t know” after making a brilliant observation or sharing some knowledge he has accrued.
This is a defensive response that deeply insecure people use as a defense mechanism against criticism. Instead of being assertive and speaking confidently about something they know like the back of their hand, they’ll minimize what they’ve said as a preemptive self-strike. That way, on the off chance that they may be wrong, they’ve left a door open to run through to save themselves from mockery and harassment.
5. “Look at how much I paid for this.”
Deeply insecure people often overcompensate for how they feel by investing in expensive items they feel will prove their value to others. Instead of purchasing things that bring them joy (but may be mocked as weird by other people), they buy what’s trendy and then boast about how much they’ve spent on these items.
Some may even brag about how savvy they were about getting a deal, either through wile or trickery. If they’ve managed to score something expensive by underhanded means, they feel that they’ve won on two fronts: they own something pricey, and they “won” by screwing someone over in the process.
6. “This probably sounds stupid…”
A person who says this is often preemptively shielding themselves from potential criticism or mockery. They may have a perfectly reasonable thought or question to share, but their insecurity convinces them that others will judge them harshly for it.
By labeling their own contribution as “stupid” before anyone else can, they’re trying to soften the blow of potential rejection. If someone does criticize them, well, they already said it was stupid, so at least they were self-aware enough to see it coming. But what they’re really hoping for is that someone will tell them “no, that’s not stupid at all” – giving them the validation they need to feel safe expressing themselves.
This phrase often stems from years of being shut down, dismissed, or made to feel foolish for speaking up. It’s a protective mechanism that has become so ingrained that they use it even when sharing perfectly valid ideas, questions, or feelings.
7. “I don’t know why you’re spending time with me,” or “I don’t know what you even see in me.”
This is a passive validation-seeking approach that many deeply insecure people use when they need an ego boost. They want reassurance that their company is wanted, that they’re valued and loved, and that others are happier when they’re around.
It’s understandable if someone uses this on occasion if they’re feeling down or small and need a bit of a pick-me-up, but it becomes terribly tiresome when it’s overused. We all feel down at times, but using this phrase too often will create a self-fulfilling prophecy: the individual (who’s already insecure to begin with) will alienate those they want in their lives by being so needy.
8. “Sorry to be a burden, but…”
A person who says this phrase has either never learned how to express their needs in a healthy manner or has been so needy with others that they’ve eventually alienated everyone close to them. As a result, they go on the offensive with passive-aggressive, manipulative remarks like these so others will reassure them and validate them the way they’d like.
They want to be told that no, they’re no trouble; that they’re special, and cared for, and of course, their needs are a priority, whether that’s actually the case or not. Most people have been programmed to be nice when others use phrases like these because they stem from great hurt, and those people need a lot of kindness and love. As such, although it’s a phrase that stems from insecurity, it may have proven to be so effective over the years that the ones who use it abuse it to get what they want.
Final thoughts…
While it may be frustrating to hear people say these phrases, it’s important to recognize where they’re stemming from and why they’re saying it. The person who says “I don’t know” was undoubtedly put down and made fun of for years, and the one who disparages their own excellent work probably grew up with terrible cruelty and criticism.
Validation-seeking behavior doesn’t develop in a vacuum. You can address this by asking questions about their phrasing and encouraging healthier alternatives, but gently: we don’t want to cause additional damage to already fragile psyches.
