While it’s noble to sacrifice yourself for others on occasion, that nobility turns into a detriment if you’re running yourself ragged with no benefit to you. Life requires balance, and if you’re constantly giving without being replenished in any way, you’re going to end up getting harmed on numerous levels. In fact, you may get so depleted that you’ll actually be prevented from living your life the way you should be living it.
Check out the following warning signs and determine whether any of them feel familiar to you, as they’re red flags that you’re experiencing harm and burnout.
1. You start feeling ugly.
This isn’t in a physical sense, but rather you recognize that your behavior towards others, and the thoughts swirling around your head, are ugly and unkind rather than gentle or beneficent. Your immediate response to any situation is either anger or condemnation, and you’re prone to lashing out at others without just cause.
For example, if you can’t find your phone charger, your immediate assumption might be that someone else in the house has taken it or moved it specifically to cause you distress, rather than recognizing that you might have left it in your bag.
You assume the worst about everyone else’s actions and intentions, even if they’ve done nothing to provoke these feelings. I’ve been in this situation on more than one occasion, and have felt both shame and anger at myself for the knee-jerk assumptions that came from bad, ugly feelings rather than any kind of truth.
2. You’re feeling worn threadbare thin.
No matter how much sleep you manage to get, you’re always exhausted. Maybe you’ve gained weight, or you’re losing hair because your cortisol levels are so high. Anything that requires an ounce of effort on your part feels like too much, simply because you have nothing left in the tank.
Others may laud you for how diligent you are with your seemingly endless self-sacrifice, and they proudly tell everyone how strong you are, but you don’t feel strong at all. If anything, you feel more fragile than ever. You might flinch at loud noises, get emotional at the drop of a hat, and generally feel like an exposed nerve most of the time. You’ve been in survival mode for as long as you can remember, and it takes everything you have just to get through the day.
3. You feel immense resentment towards those around you.
You’ve been working yourself ragged 24/7 to take care of those around you, only to receive next to nothing in turn when you need care or support. Maybe you’ve gone above and beyond to care for your friends, loved ones, and members of your community when they are struggling, but those people are magically absent when you’re ill or in need. Or you’re exhausted from outputting constantly, and those closest to you are regaling you with tales about the great trips they’re taking and all the fun stuff they’re doing.
You don’t have any spare time to do things that you want to do: your entire life revolves around work and responsibility for those around you, but they never reciprocate. As such, you’re starting to care for them less and less as your resentment grows. It’s hard to feel anything but resentment in a one-sided relationship where you’re sacrificing everything for people who seemingly wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire.
4. You’ve denied yourself a “good move” for someone who wouldn’t do the same in return.
Have you had some great opportunities come your way — things that you got enthusiastic about and may have improved your life exponentially — but you turned them down for someone else’s benefit? Maybe you got an amazing job offer in another city, but said “no” because your partner didn’t want to move? Or you had a chance to pursue a dream or goal you’ve always wanted, but someone else close to you needed to borrow the money you’d been saving to do so?
Now turn things around for a moment: if that other person had the same opportunity and you asked them to make the personal sacrifice for your benefit, would they have done so? Unlikely. It’s fine for you to be thrown under the bus again and again and forsake your dreams for the sake of their wants or crises, because they’re not the ones who end up suffering because of it. They easily spend your life for their benefit, and think nothing of it.
5. You just can’t get ahead.
Any time you bank sleep, or save money, some issue comes up that requires you to spend everything you’ve saved up for the sake of someone else’s needs or wants. You may have a terrible credit score because your partner or parent used your credit card(s) and never repaid the debt, so now you can’t get a loan, buy a new car, etc. Or you’ve been doing your best to stockpile essentials, only for relatives to swoop in like locusts and clean you out.
You’ve been giving and giving for so long that your benevolence has become an expectation, and others give you grief if you try to establish new boundaries. You get guilt-tripped if you don’t behave like a walking wallet on command, or if you aren’t perpetually available for caregiving, babysitting, cooking, manual labor, or whatever else those who claim to care about you want from you at that particular moment.
6. You don’t remember what joy feels like anymore.
While other people have things that they’re looking forward to, such as vacations, future purchases, get-togethers, or even exciting media releases, you don’t look forward to anything. The things that used to bring you joy don’t do that anymore: you feel numb pretty much all the time, and have no interest in doing anything “fun”.
Your entire existence revolves around your obligations at this point. Even if you try to do something that you used to enjoy, you may find that your heart isn’t in it anymore. That craft project now feels more like a chore than an enjoyable creative endeavor, and the books you had been looking forward to reading now seem boring or flat. You eat to live, not for joy, and your clothes are simply coverings. Anything that once lightened your heart or brightened your days is now as bland as day-old porridge.
7. You’ve gotten seriously ill.
One of the most glaringly obvious warning signs that your self-sacrifice is harming you is that you’ve developed a serious illness of some sort. Some people develop autoimmune or nervous conditions or chronic pain due to constant stress and sleep deprivation, while others have heart attacks or strokes.
The fact that you care so much about others and have been working so hard to take care of them really is lovely on many levels, but the harm it’s doing to you cannot be undone. You may feel obligated to keep sacrificing yourself for the benefit of those around you, especially if they’re struggling with health issues and you feel guilty for not doing so, but the damage it’s doing to you is just going to keep getting worse.
Think of it this way: you may feel that you’re the only person who can take care of this person (or situation), but who is going to shoulder this burden if you break? If you collapse or become otherwise incapacitated because you’ve been carrying such a burden yourself for so long? You need to find ways to alleviate both your guilt and your responsibilities before you’re too badly damaged to live life properly.
Final thoughts…
One surefire way to determine whether your self-sacrifice is harming you is to determine how you’d feel if you were suddenly unburdened from your numerous responsibilities and obligations.
Would you feel lighter? Freer? Would you finally be able to do what you want and live life on your own terms again? If you had the opportunity to be unburdened without feeling any guilt, knowing that those you’re caring for would be completely taken care of, would you take it? If so, do your best to delegate responsibility elsewhere and lighten that load you’re carrying before you end up seriously damaged.
