It’s almost impossible to share decades of life with a partner and not go through a rough patch or two. That said, there’s a huge difference between going through a bit of a rough spot and growing apart as a couple.
In one situation, you’re negotiating a difficulty that you’ll eventually get through. In the other, you’re negotiating a rift that’ll just keep growing until you two eventually part ways. Here are some subtle differences that can help you determine which one you’re currently dealing with:
1. Showing small kindnesses despite everything that’s going on.
One of the clearest signs that determines whether you’re going through a rough patch versus growing apart is if you’re still doing small kindnesses for one another despite whatever you’re dealing with as a couple.
For example, if you’re just going through a rough patch, you’re likely still doing things like making coffee for each other in the morning, picking up essentials en route home, folding their laundry for them, and so on. In contrast, if you’ve grown apart, you likely can’t be bothered to do any of these things anymore. You’ve been doing this stuff for years with little return — let them fend for themselves now.
2. Still showing respect and courtesy.
Are the two of you still showing each other respect and courtesy, rather than being rude, dismissive, or disrespectful? Or are you sniping at and insulting each other without caring much about the hurt feelings or fallout that may ensue?
Couples who are just going through a rough patch don’t make a point of trying to hurt each other intentionally. If anything, they do their best to remain courteous and respectful, even though things may be a bit tense between them. Even little things like not finishing the milk so the other person will have some for their morning tea is a small gesture that likely wouldn’t be done if they were truly growing apart.
3. Showing support.
The amount of support that couples show one another can be a massive indicator of how they feel about one another. After all, supportive behavior is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and can manifest in countless different ways. In contrast, a couple that’s growing apart will show little interest in what the other is doing. Furthermore, in addition to apathy or irritation about their respective interests, there may be derision or dismissal about their pursuits.
This doesn’t happen with those who are just going through a rough patch: they’ll still support each other through their struggles and joys, show up in times of difficulty, and celebrate achievements accordingly. They’ll stay by each other’s sides during medical treatment or financial woes, and show up for the seemingly “little” bits of joy as well.
4. You still fight.
When people grow apart, they don’t bother arguing or fighting anymore: they check out and don’t bother to put any effort into disagreements. They’ll respond with things like “okay” or “whatever” if a difficult subject is raised, but no longer have any emotional involvement at all.
If you and your partner are still fighting, however, that’s a good sign that you’re just going through a rough patch. After all, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be arguing. Fighting can be a good sign that you’re seeking resolution, so you can work through this and past it, and continue to grow as a couple. You haven’t thrown in the towel yet.
5. Willingness to put effort into resolution.
A couple that’s growing apart doesn’t invest much effort into resolution. On a fundamental level, both of you recognize that you’re pulling away from each other, and neither of you has any inclination to mend that seam. In fact, you might be leaning away further to hasten the process so you can part ways as quickly and easily as possible.
In contrast, if the two of you are having the difficult discussions and trying to negotiate the best way of resolving things, that tells you that despite the roughness you’re currently dealing with, you’re both invested in moving forward together. You’re seeking an amicable resolution that does right by both parties, with a solid goal that you can work on as a team.
6. A desire to make the other person happy.
This one’s tricky, because couples who are growing apart may still try to make one another happy for the sake of self-preservation. For example, someone who’s completely financially dependent upon the partner they’ve grown to despise may still buy birthday gifts or cook nice dinners, so that they don’t suddenly find themselves homeless. They may do so resentfully, however, or be passive-aggressive about it because they can’t disguise their contempt completely.
Meanwhile, couples who are going through a rough patch will still try to make each other happy out of sincere love and care. Things may feel a bit tense between you, but you’ll still run a bath for your partner if they’re hurting after a long day, and they’ll pack your lunch with all your favorites, because the two of you still love each other dearly.
7. Discussing future plans.
One of the most overlooked, but most common signs that a couple is growing apart is that they no longer discuss plans for the future. There’s no discussion about what to get the relatives for the holidays next year, what investments are needed for the house, etc. Both parties are mentally planning their personal exits and avoiding any discussions about things that they’d otherwise be doing as a couple.
In contrast, a couple that’s going through a rough patch acknowledges the roughness and still makes plans for what to do once things smooth over. For example, if they haven’t had enough alone time lately, they may discuss creating an outbuilding on the property that can be used as an office or workshop. Alternatively, if the rough patch is due to a lack of time spent together, they’ll put real plans into practice to improve that asap.
8. Changes in personal hygiene and appearance.
One of the ways that you can tell a couple is growing apart is the “glow-ups” that occur with either one or both partners. They may start working out or otherwise changing their appearance in order to be more attractive to new potential mates, or they may start investing in themselves and their wardrobe rather than putting that money towards shared household needs.
On the other hand, couples who are just going through a rough patch tend to look rough as well. Both may be a bit lax about remaining well-kempt because of depression, stress, etc. Similarly, they may either lose or gain weight in an unhealthy manner, and generally have the appearance of someone who’s having a difficult time. If they didn’t care, and if saving this relationship didn’t matter anymore, they’d look just fine.
9. Thinking about each other, rather than thinking about other people.
Those who are growing apart from one another rarely think of each other fondly. They don’t put any effort into remembering things like birthdays or other special occasions, and certainly don’t ruminate about each other in any intimate fashion. Instead, they’re more likely to spend their time thinking about other people and what they’d like to do with them.
Couples who are going through a rough patch, however, still love and care about each other deeply. When they experience something beautiful, they think about how much they’d like to share it with the one they love. Similarly, when they feel desire, they’ll think about intimacy with their partner rather than fantasizing about whoever they’ve been chatting with on Tinder. They want to be with their partner, and are willing to work through whatever’s needed to keep it that way.
Final thoughts…
Ultimately, the best way to determine whether you’re going through a rough patch or growing apart is this: if someone were to ask you point-blank if you want to stay with your partner, would your answer be “yes” or “no”? If money and personal security were no problem, would you choose this person to walk by your side?
If the answer is “yes”, then you’re just negotiating a rough patch together. In contrast, if it’s “no”, then it’s time for the two of you to have a serious discussion about where to go from here.
