How many times has someone called you “stubborn” because you dared to behave in a manner contrary to their expectations? A lot of people use this derogatory term in an attempt to guilt-trip or manipulate someone into behaving the way that they want to, especially if that person is establishing boundaries that they dislike.
In fact, if you’ve been on the receiving end of this accusation, you’ve probably displayed some of the following behaviors towards those who would prefer you to be far more pliant.
1. Having a very strict work-life balance.
An astonishing number of employers overstep their employees’ boundaries (and even their rights) for the sake of personal gain, and hold atrocious double standards. For example, they inform their staff that they aren’t allowed to work from home during normal working hours, but then see no problem with contacting those staff members on evenings and weekends to do work-related tasks. Some even contact their employees to do extra work while they’re away on holiday or parental leave!
It isn’t “stubborn” to maintain strict boundaries between work and personal time. You spend X hours of your life working for other people’s benefit, and likely don’t have nearly enough downtime for your own responsibilities, interests, and pursuits. Defend your personal time fiercely. You can’t ever get it back.
2. Adhering to dietary choices that other people don’t agree with or understand.
People’s dietary choices and restrictions happen for countless different reasons. Some choose to avoid certain items due to ethical or spiritual preferences, while others avoid specific ingredients because of aversions, allergies, or because they wreak havoc on their digestive systems.
Unfortunately, a lot of folks think they’re entitled to explanations as to why you aren’t eating a particular item. Furthermore, if your explanation doesn’t make sense to them, they may dismiss it as ridiculous and try to coerce you into consuming it anyway. Saying “no” isn’t being stubborn at all: this is a personal boundary that they need to respect, or you’ll stop spending time in their presence.
3. Not paying into a group thing that you have no interest in.
Most of us have experienced situations in which we were expected to pay out for things above and beyond our fair share — including things we didn’t want in the first place. A good example of this is when going out to dinner at a restaurant, and being expected to pay an equal share of the bill even though your friend got a steak and lobster, and you only had fries and a glass of water.
People may give you grief for not contributing money to a group gift for a coworker you completely despise, nor chipping in towards a cause that’s completely counter to your own beliefs. You aren’t being stubborn by not doing so: you’re holding true to your own values, and that should be respected rather than condemned.
4. Not forgiving someone (including family) who committed something atrocious against you.
Have you noticed that the onus for keeping the peace in difficult situations invariably lands on the person who was mistreated, rather than the one(s) who committed the terrible behavior? We see a lot of this with sentiments like “they go low, we go high” or encouragement to “rise above” whatever happened. Refusing to do so is seen as stubborn, wilful behavior rather than as a completely understandable response to mistreatment.
A good example of this would be giving someone a hard time for refusing to attend family gatherings because a particular family member would be in attendance. They have a perfectly valid reason for avoiding that family member (i.e., childhood abuse), but they’re expected to “forgive and forget” to keep the peace and make everyone else happy.
5. Refusing to drink alcohol or partake in other peer-pressured activities.
There are many reasons why a person may choose not to imbibe alcohol, take recreational drugs, or participate in other activities that their peers are fond of. Unfortunately, when one is part of a culture that elevates drinking or other inebriation to a prerequisite, saying “no” can be seen as an act of stubborn, antisocial defiance instead of a personal boundary to be respected.
If you’re declining to partake — either on a particular occasion or in general — and others keep pressuring you to do so, it shows that they see your behavior as being stubborn for its own sake. They don’t recognize this boundary as valid, which is why they don’t respect it.
Furthermore, they might use the tactic of implying that you think you’re “better than them” by not joining in, and the only way you can prove that you aren’t being a holier-than-thou jerk is to cave in and have a drink. This is blatant controlling behavior.
6. Turning down invitations despite others badgering you to attend.
Others may see this as a negative trait, but let’s be honest: people who badger you about this likely don’t want you to attend whatever it is out of a purely altruistic motive. They may want you to come for a variety of reasons, from being someone reliable to talk to so they don’t feel awkward and out of place, or because your perceived status means that they’ll receive more positive attention if they have you by their side.
Whatever the reasons, they’re treating you not as your own person, but as a prop for their benefit. Your lack of attendance at a function like this means that they’ll lose face in other people’s eyes, and they don’t like that idea at all. As such, they may accuse you of being stubborn or antisocial, instead of respecting that you don’t want to be treated as their arm candy or conversational tool.
7. Disagreeing with the popular opinion.
It takes a lot of strength, courage, and willpower to stand against the current of common consensus. When you disagree with a viewpoint that almost everyone around you seems to share, you’ll invariably be called “stubborn” by those who refuse to see your point of view. They may even label you as ignorant and/or stupid, and ostracize you until you agree that they’re right.
Even when people aren’t fully comfortable with an idea and haven’t decided how they feel about it, they find it reassuring to go with the flow of what everyone else feels and thinks. As a result, what really kills their pig is when someone decides to have a mind of their own and becomes the fly in the ointment. It doesn’t matter if there’s a significant weight of scientific evidence to support that individual’s viewpoint or not: if you aren’t with them, you’re against them.
8. Disliking The Current Thing.
Many people nowadays consider beliefs and preferences that are different from their own to be “hateful” or “wrong”. For instance, if you say that you don’t like a certain band or TV series that everyone else is obsessed with, they’ll accuse you of only saying that you dislike it to be edgy or different; that your stubbornness is preventing you from experiencing joy along with the rest of them.
But choosing not to follow the crowd and waste your valuable time on things you actively dislike isn’t being “stubborn”: it’s a healthy boundary. You refuse to be coerced into spending time you’ll never get back on things you actively dislike, and that’s completely reasonable. What isn’t reasonable is when others treat you like a pariah for doing so, and imply that you’re “the problem” for not sharing their preferences.
9. Refusal to tolerate being de-prioritized.
There are countless posts online by people who have been heartbroken by family members who blatantly prioritized others in the family dynamic. This could be someone whose spouse always chooses their child over them, or an adult child whose parent has consistently thrown them under the bus in favor of their current lover, and so on.
Refusing to participate in a family where it’s been made abundantly clear that you’re lowest on the totem pole isn’t stubbornness: it takes immense strength to push through grief and disappointment to make it clear that you won’t be disrespected or cast aside. Until they’re ready to treat you as a cherished member of the family, you aren’t going to show up anymore. Let them choose another scapegoat to mistreat.
Final thoughts…
If someone calls you “stubborn” for not behaving the way they want you to, that’s a solid indicator that they don’t respect you. By dismissing your stance on the topic at hand, they’re showing you in no uncertain terms that they see you as lesser.
This often happens between parents and children, but isn’t limited to superior/subordinate roles. Hold to your boundaries and defend them gracefully, and if you must, fiercely. If others take issue with your protective measures, that’s their problem — not yours.
