Many of us have found ourselves in situations where we’ve been a captive audience to an energy vampire who just won’t stop talking. Alternatively, a colleague might dominate lunchroom conversations with banal subject matter that neither you nor anyone else wants to hear about.
While faking your own death to get out of the conversation might sound appealing, it’s usually not a good idea. Instead, try some of the following strategies to steer those conversations away from the topics that drain you, and redirect them to better subjects instead.
1. Ask them for advice.
If the person in question is droning on about a subject you have absolutely no interest in, and your attempts to change the subject have been bowled over in favor of them talking about their CrossFit routine or essential oil obsession, ask them for advice about something.
Make sure it has nothing to do with anything they’ve just been monologuing about, but is in the realm of personal experience or professional expertise. If they feel that they’re in a position to offer help, they’ll usually puff up a bit because you chose to approach them about it, and will happily offer you some suggestions.
2. Take responsibility for being unable to listen right now.
This is a variation on “it’s not you, it’s me” and is effective when you have no interest in discussing the topic they’ve raised, but neither do you want to upset or hurt them. It’s particularly good if the topic they’re discussing is particularly heavy, overly negative, or is crossing into trauma dumping.
Essentially, you let them know that you’re not in a good place to discuss this, and explain why. For example, you can shake your head and apologize for spacing out, explaining that you didn’t get much sleep the night before, and your brain is soup today. Then ask if you could revisit this topic when you have the mindpower to do so, and switch to a lighter topic instead.
3. Bring up a subject that’s more important or relevant.
Validate what they’ve said by acknowledging that it’s cool/interesting, etc., and then ask them what they think about another topic that’s more important or relevant (at least in your opinion). This works best if they’ve been sharing mundane personal information or gossiping about something trivial, and you’ve listened politely but now reached your limit.
Bringing up a topic that has a significant amount of gravitas makes them realize that there are things in the world that are more important than just what interests or concerns them. It checks them in a subtly reproachful way, and gives them the opportunity to discuss something that’s more worthy of everyone’s time and energy.
4. Use humor to deflect and redirect.
See if there’s any room to find humor in the topic being discussed, and then use that to its greatest potential. For example, if this person is going on at length about a health issue that you never wanted to hear about (ever), bring up a funny health-related anecdote of your own, especially if it was weird or embarrassing enough to coax a laugh.
If you manage to inspire a giggle fit, they’ll often forget what they were talking about because they’re now focused entirely on your hilariously awful experience. Alternatively, tell an amusing joke about a topic-adjacent subject, and use that as a segue to shift direction entirely.
5. Say something shocking or controversial.
Seriously, one of the most effective ways of steering a conversation away from soul-draining banality is to bring up a topic that the person you’re talking to wouldn’t expect. Furthermore, the derailment works even better if the topic is a bit shocking to them or is controversial in some way.
There are few things as satisfying as silencing the office gossip by sharing a random bit of information about a blue whale’s reproductive organs, or a bit of recent news that throws historical record into question — especially if they have a particular attachment to the historical figure associated with said record.
6. Switch to an active topic, such as making plans together.
If they’ve been going on for a while and you’re reaching the end of your tether, startle them by suddenly exclaiming that you totally forgot that you wanted to plan something fun together. Then bring up the thing you’re thinking of while bubbling with enthusiasm so they naturally start to mirror your emotions.
Good plans to discuss are things like a weekend trip away, a special event that you’d love to attend with them, or a class you’d like to take together. Whatever it is they’re really into, make it vitally important to talk about it right this second.
7. Counteract negative gossip with positive commentary.
One of the most draining conversations most of us have to deal with usually involves gossip about others in our social spheres. It can come from family members gossiping about relatives and people from their religious community, peers at work sharing office titbits, or acquaintances who like to spill the tea about others in our social groups.
A good way to steer conversation away from these draining topics is to counteract the gossip with positive anecdotes. Gossips usually share negativity that they heard or witnessed in the hope of encouraging others to do the same. So when you stymie those efforts by parrying every negative comment with a compliment or observation of amazing things that person did, they usually change the subject rather swiftly.
8. Admit ignorance and ask to redirect.
One great way to steer the conversation away from something that’s making you wish you didn’t have ears is to let the person know that you don’t know enough about the subject to be able to engage with it properly.
Let them know that you’d like to revisit this topic again sometime in the future, but you need to do some research on your own to better educate yourself about it first. Then, bring up a topic that you know is of mutual interest, but is more interesting or engaging than whatever you were just bracing yourself to tolerate.
9. Be honest about boundaries and inappropriate topics.
This is one of the most effective tactics listed here, but it isn’t the best option if you’re aiming to maintain harmony in the vicinity. After all, telling someone flat-out that this topic is excruciating will likely upset them. That said, being very clear about personal boundaries is great for both ending the conversation quickly and ensuring that the topic isn’t raised again.
For example, if they’re talking about a subject that’s upsetting or triggering for you, simply say that you can’t deal with discussing this topic because it’s hurting you. Alternatively, if they’ve asked personal questions that you’re not comfortable discussing, make it abundantly clear that this topic is inappropriate and off the table, and then bring up something completely neutral instead.
Final thoughts…
How many precious hours of your life do you think other people have wasted by talking to you about things you have no interest in? Or, for that matter, how often have you kicked yourself for not taking the initiative to extricate yourself from these situations because you didn’t want to cause hurt feelings or stir up any drama?
Of course, not every topic is going to be thrilling, and sometimes it’s kind to let people say their piece. But ultimately, conversation is a two-way street where both parties should feel engaged. So, if you’re ready to say goodbye to excruciating one-sided exchanges, the strategies listed here can prove immensely effective for redirecting them in the future.
