There is no more important skill to develop than communication. We inadvertently cause so much unnecessary suffering for ourselves and the people around us because of poor communication. Emotions run hot, words get said that you can’t take back, and then you’re left trying to put the pieces back together.
As someone who was a poor communicator for a long time, I can tell you from personal experience that good communication makes a massive difference. There are certain rules you need to follow if you want to ensure you are engaging in tactful, productive communication. Here are 8 of them:
1. Clarify your intention before you speak.
Do take the time to sit down and think before you try to have a difficult conversation or confrontation with someone. Consider what it is you hope to achieve. Are you trying to change a behavior, express how you’re feeling, resolve a misunderstanding, or find a solution together? If you don’t know what you want to achieve, don’t have the conversation yet.
Not only do you want to make sure that you can communicate the issue, but you also want to ensure that you fully understand the situation. If you can’t describe it clearly, then you’re probably missing important context that matters. It’s hard to think when you’re swept up in emotions, so think through what you want to say and why before having an emotional conversation.
Personally, I lived with undiagnosed bipolar-depression for a long time. Many of the conflicts I had were the result of distorted emotions that I didn’t understand. And there were times I couldn’t understand why I was upset, angry, or sad because there was no real reason.
Nowadays, I understand the importance of sorting through my thoughts and feelings before having any important conversations. There were a lot of disagreements that could have been prevented if I had only understood that then.
2. Only speak from your experience, not their assumed motives.
Relational Psych shares that people have a bad habit of projecting their own thoughts and feelings onto other people’s actions. I can think of several times in my life where I made an assumption about why another person did a thing and was completely wrong. Not only was I wrong, but I was so wrong that it would make the argument more fierce or shut it down completely.
My mental landscape is different from other people’s because of my autism and bipolar disorder, so my reasoning is often extremely different from other people’s. Similarly, your brain is going to be different than everyone else’s. You don’t want to assume that someone did a thing because it’s what you would or would not do. Instead, focus on how their actions affected you and let them tell you themselves why they did what they did.
3. Pick the correct time and place.
It’s important to be aware of whether or not you’re in the correct time or place to have a sensitive discussion. You may have the right words and approach, but speaking them at the wrong time can make things fantastically worse. There’s an old piece of leadership advice that is often attributed to coach Vince Lombardi, which I find relevant in these situations: “Praise in public, criticize in private.”
The idea is that you leave difficult or painful discussions to a private conversation, behind closed doors. You don’t want to show the negativity and arguments in public because an accusation will turn into defensiveness, which turns into anger, and now you’re in an argument in a public setting. Other people are now in your business, which is rarely ever a good thing. It’s either a spectacle, or it gets others involved who shouldn’t be.
4. Ensure your response is appropriate and proportional.
Make sure your response is proportional to the situation, although obviously, I would never suggest a full crash-out, destroying property, or anything that would get the cops called. For example, if your partner cheats on you, a lot of people will take that as permission to full send their crazy, which is not unreasonable. However, we don’t want to wind up paying fines, getting arrested, or being sued.
Instead, don’t minimize things that aren’t small to you, and try not to blow small things up into big problems. There’s a common struggle in relationships that have poor communication, where vicious fights manifest from small things because the couple isn’t addressing the real issues in the relationship. If you feel something big about something small, stop to ask yourself why. Is there another reason you’re so angry? You’ll probably find it’s actually resentment from some other issue that’s bubbling over.
5. Avoid shaming other people when trying to correct them.
Serious communication where tact matters often comes from some wrong action. Therefore, a correction usually needs to take place. However, when you try to correct someone, avoid shaming them. If you shame them, they are likely to dig in harder and retaliate out of spite. It may not be in that moment, but it may come much later so they can surprise you with it.
Don’t do things like bring up past, unrelated actions. Lecturing may also cause defensiveness. Don’t turn it into a one-sided conversation where you’re just scolding the person for their behavior. Mocking and eye-rolling can both trigger defensive responses and turn a tense situation into an explosive argument. Shame is not helpful or necessary for healthy communication.
6. Avoid having sensitive conversations when you’re deeply emotional.
A difficult conversation fueled by emotions like anger or sadness is likely to devolve into an argument. That doesn’t mean you need to be perfectly placid or a statue when trying to have a hard conversation. That’s not reasonable. Emotions are normal, particularly about emotional subjects, and you’re not a robot. (Presumably.)
Instead, you want to aim to have those conversations when the pain isn’t raw and throbbing. It’s okay to take your time. If things get too heated, ask to take a break from it and come back to it later. That’s not always an option, like if you’re at work, but it’s good if you can. That way, you can lower the chances of saying something out of emotional impulse.
7. Focus on resolving the present and improving the future.
Any situation that calls for tactful communication is likely to involve a wrong-doing of some kind. People don’t typically get heated over small things for no reason. However, when it happens, you should keep in mind that the point of the communication is not just to resolve the current issue, but to find a way to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
You don’t want to turn the situation into a boxing match where you’re just taking swings at one another. The communication needs to be productive, working toward a resolution of some kind. That may be something minor, like a behavior change, or bigger things like couples counseling.
8. Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
In my life, there is no more important skill that I’ve developed than learning when to keep my mouth closed. If you’re fighting with someone, it’s tempting to want to cause them harm. After all, if I feel hurt, why shouldn’t you feel hurt, too? But that is such a negative way to go about things, particularly if you’re arguing with someone you care about.
You shouldn’t want to cause suffering to someone you care about. Remember, you can’t unspeak ugly things that you say. Once they are out in the world, they’re out there, and they’re going to do damage whether or not you regret it. The best way to avoid that from the start is to not speak unkindly in the first place, even if you feel like it’s deserved.
Final thoughts…
Developing your communication skills will help you in every facet of life – job, relationships, family. Anything. People are going to have problems. They’re going to bump against one another from time to time, and things aren’t always going to be smooth. Disagreements will happen. The relationships that last are the ones where you can find a healthy and successful resolution.
The ability to do that comes from respect and respectful communication. Keep working on that, and you’ll find a lot more peace in your relationships over time. I know I did.
