Integrity seems to be a waning quality as of late. Too many people aren’t on their best behavior. Hell, they aren’t even on good behavior. They’re looking to advance their interests or get something out of the people around them instead of creating healthy relationships. They’re looking for people to use as tools to improve their lives at others’ expense.
So how do you deal with these people who lack integrity? The main goal is to minimize how much they can influence, manipulate, or lie to you. These tips will help you stay safe.
1. Believe patterns over words.
I am the Queen of England. Do you see how easy it was to say those words? The same goes for words like I love you. I value you. I cherish you. But, oh wait, I also can’t do simple things like help you out when needed, respect your time, or space. Instead of being open and honest with you, I lie to you, because I know you’re a good person and you want to see the good in other people. But the problem is that some people don’t have a whole lot of good in them.
It’s easy to lie with words. It’s so much more difficult to lie with your habits and actions because they require so much long-term upkeep. It’s easy enough to tell someone you love them, but the act of actually loving someone is work. Joyful work, mind you, but there’s still effort that goes into making a happy, safe, comfortable relationship that both people need to put in. It’s a two-way street. One person can’t do it all.
Do not believe someone’s words unless they are backed up by actions. Empty words are a hallmark of someone who lacks integrity, and when someone makes promises but then doesn’t deliver (without a very good reason), they are showing you what they are about. Don’t let yourself fall prey to it next time.
2. Lower your expectations.
In fact, remove your expectations. Once someone has shown that they will lie, manipulate, or try to weasel out of responsibility, you can safely assume they are untrustworthy. Don’t expect them to be honest people who will honor and stand by their words. People with no integrity have no problems saying whatever to get what they want.
You will only be disappointed by putting your expectations on them. At best, they can be a casual friend, assuming that they aren’t doing damage to your well-being and life. On the other hand, you may not want to hang around people with no integrity. Other people will judge you for that. After all, “Birds of a feather, flock together.”
Personally, I’ve run into this issue in my life. I spent a long time hanging around with people I probably shouldn’t have, and I’m lucky to have come out of it relatively unscathed. The issue with being around people without integrity is often not just their actions, but the repercussions of their actions. You never know when revenge is going to show up, looking for them.
And if you happen to be present? Well, now you’re involved and have to deal with it, too. Not to mention that people without integrity may turn on you the moment it’s beneficial for them to do so. There is no honor among thieves. There’s only mutual benefit for a little while before someone sees something they want and is willing to stab a friend in the back for it.
3. Limit sharing any kind of personal information.
Anything you say can and will be used against you by nefarious types. There is a strategy for dealing with narcissists called the “Gray Rock” method, which works for people who lack integrity, too.
The point is to be as boring and uninteresting as a gray rock to deprive them of ammunition to use against you. If they ask how you are, you just say, “fine.” If they want to know what you’re doing in your personal life, you answer, “not much.” That way, they aren’t digging and finding information to weaponize.
The less interesting you are, the fewer questions they will ask. By going gray rock, they will usually lose interest and wander off toward someone else. It’s a far better approach than direct confrontation because they’ve already shown they won’t be honest and forthright with you.
4. Create distance between you as much as you can.
Distance is good. It may be tempting to call the person out on their bad behavior instead, but that can actually blow up in your face. Why? Well, an interesting thing I’ve realized over the years is that a lot of people just aren’t good at seeing manipulators and liars. That’s why you have so many friend groups where betrayal happens, and everyone thinks the victim is the bad guy. It’s also one way that domestic abusers thrive. A cunning abuser is exceptionally difficult to spot. As such, if you call this person out, you may end up getting labeled the bad guy by others in your social circle.
When people have shown you they are not to be trusted, there’s no point keeping them close to you. If you do, you’ll need to keep an eye on them the whole time to avoid their manipulation. That’s not something anyone wants to do, really. It’s just a waste of time and energy that you could be putting into a healthy connection.
5. Use short, clear boundaries.
If you can’t separate yourself from the person entirely, you’re going to need boundaries. When you establish boundaries with a manipulative person, limit the information or reasoning you give them. If you apologize or over-explain yourself, they will take that to mean they can persuade or convince you to move your boundary. It hints that you feel guilty, and that’s when a manipulator will start pushing hard on you.
Keep it short and simple. State your boundary, or use a hard “no, I’m not doing that” to protect your space. They may respond with anger, tears, or manipulation, but don’t let that sway you. They’ll use whatever tool they can to get their way, so have your wits about you.
6. Avoid depending on them for anything.
Any dependence you have on a person without integrity will be used against you later. It’s a weakness, a flaw in your armor that they can exploit when and how they need to. If they know you need them, they will absolutely take advantage of you however they can. So maintain independence as much as you can.
And listen, if you’re in a relationship with someone like this, let me save you years of heartache. The relationship is already dead and gone, regardless of how you feel about it. You may be in love with a person without integrity, but unfortunately, the heart doesn’t always make good decisions. That’s why you have to rely on your brain.
7. Document everything!
Should you need to deal with a person who lacks integrity at work, be certain to document everything. Always get it in writing. If they give you a verbal directive, wait until you can ask them on a device that will have records, like email. State what their directive was, and ask them if they could confirm that this is what they meant. That way, you have it in writing when they inevitably throw you under the bus to save their own ass.
Keep it calm and keep it professional. Chances are pretty good that they have buddied up to the important people – the boss, essential employees, and the lead gossip. If they’ve had time to ingratiate themselves, then those people aren’t likely to see what you do, so don’t expect them to be on your side. As I mentioned earlier, many people just aren’t that good at seeing through manipulation.
Final thoughts…
Integrity isn’t easy. It’s harder than a lot of people realize, particularly if you don’t feel like you’re wired for it. To those where it doesn’t come easy, it takes a lot of self-control and self-awareness to identify one’s own bad behavior. Most people without integrity don’t care about that, however. All they care about is getting what they want; everyone else’s needs be damned. Don’t let yourself be a victim of their plots and schemes. It’s usually not worth the energy you’ll spend on it.
