When we were kids, most of us rushed to show our parents the amazing things we did at school. If they approved, we’d achieve the validation of seeing the drawing or test displayed on the fridge door for all to see. Alternatively, we felt the crushing blow of hurt and disappointment when that fancy art piece was tossed in the bin or brushed aside.
Many people never stop chasing that gold star of approval from their parents, particularly when it’s never been very forthcoming. If you fall into this category, it’s time for you to put the following things into action.
1. Ask yourself why their approval is still important to you.
Young people often crave their parents’ approval because their parents are understandably the most significant people in their lives. As such, an approving nod or expression of pride from a parent gives them the encouragement they need to keep going. Their parents are their idols, and they equate loving care with how much validation they get from these beloved caregivers.
As an adult, you have a social support network that’s full of people you’ve chosen to be in your life, as well as the ability to take personal pride in your achievements. If you’re still seeking your parents’ approval, ask yourself why you crave their validation so much. Do you sincerely like and respect their opinions? Or are you staying on their good side to avoid conflict?
My life changed exponentially when I realized that the ideals I held about my elders weren’t based in reality, but were instead projections of the loving, supportive people I *wished* they were. While that epiphany can be devastating in some ways, it can also free you from the pressing need for their blessings.
2. Determine whether the choices you make are authentic or to please your parents.
Whenever you make a choice in your life, whether it’s about personal appearance, dietary decisions, your career path, or something as simple as the car you drive or the dog breed you adopt, determine whether this choice is being made because it’s something you truly like, or if you’re aiming for your parents’ approval.
Would you love a foofy little Yorkshire terrier, but you get a spaniel because your parents would mock you for your other choice? Have you abandoned your desired career in favor of one they’d brag about to their friends? Once you’ve determined the motivations behind your choices, shift them so you’re choosing the things that make you happy. They’ve lived their lives: it’s time for you to live yours in the way that fulfills you most.
3. Let go of traditions that no longer serve you.
Traditions evolved from people deciding to keep doing the same thing, over and over again. Some may have been agreed upon as a group, like a family discovering that they really love sushi for New Year’s Eve dinner every year, while other traditions were decided by a very domineering family elder whom nobody dared stand up to.
Just because those around you are keen to hold onto traditions, that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit if you don’t like or agree with them. The people who established those rituals may well be long dead, and won’t care if you don’t want to partake in great aunt Bertha’s oyster and egg salad sliders at Christmas dinner. It may well be that your folks disapproving of your choice is actually because they don’t have the strength of will to refuse but can’t admit it. Projection has a lot to answer for in family dynamics.
4. Say “no” more often, even if it causes drama.
Many of our parents still view us as the age we were when it was easy to control us. Because of this, yours may forever see you as the cute child they adored, or the recalcitrant teenager they mocked and bullied into compliance. This won’t change until you make it clear to them that you’re an adult with free will who doesn’t have to acquiesce to their (often unreasonable) demands.
If you’ve been eager for their approval up until now, you may have agreed to things you despise in the hope that they’ll finally show you appreciation and respect. But that hasn’t worked out so well, has it? They just keep treating you the same way. So stop doing the things you hate and say “no” instead. The drama will pass, and they’ll learn that you can’t be bullied anymore.
5. Write a list of things that are important to you, and cross -reference it with their values.
Very few of us have views and values that align fully with those of our parents. While we may share some perspectives, there are undoubtedly points of contention that we avoid in conversation so we don’t end up screaming at each other across the dinner table. In some cases, however, values are so polarized that they cannot be bridged. This is particularly true if our parents’ views embody everything we despise.
Be honest about the things that mean the most to you, and cross-reference that with your parents’ personal values. Do you hide your relationship because your parents think your partner is an abomination? Or do you remain silent if they’re spouting bigotry? If you discover that you loathe everything they hold dear, why on earth would you seek approval from them?
6. Stop remaining quiet when they say or do something offensive.
When we were younger, we were told not to contradict our elders even if they said something completely wrong or offensive. As such, many of us bit our tongues when they said unspeakably awful things and simply nodded and smiled to maintain their approval and support.
Now’s the time to stop this groveling, sycophantic behavior and respectfully call out injustice and ignorance when it appears. If you don’t speak out against it, then you’re supporting it passively. Is that something you’re comfortable having on your conscience for the sake of their approval? What’s more, anyone who witnesses your actions will think that you’re aligned with those perspectives, including those closest to you.
7. Establish boundaries that are likely to upset them.
If you’re in your 40s and still aching for your parents’ approval, it’s likely that you’ve been allowing them to do things in your life that are deeply upsetting to you. For example, if they’ve insisted upon having a key to your home, they may let themselves in whenever they see fit, rearrange your furniture or kitchen items, and so on. Even if they overstep your limits with good intentions, that doesn’t make it ok.
If this has been bothering you (or your partner) for some time, make that change happen immediately. Inform your parents that you’ve had the locks changed and they need to ask permission to stop by, rather than showing up whenever they like. There will undoubtedly be pushback (and possibly yelling and tears), so brace yourself and have firm, assertive responses ready.
8. Examine who else in your life is being affected by your approval-seeking.
In the course of your approval-seeking, your behavior has undoubtedly affected those around you. For example, if you’ve remained silent while your parents trash-talked people of a certain race, and your spouse (who happens to be of that race) stared at you in the hope that you might actually defend them, then you’ve let them down terribly.
Have you disappointed your children by cancelling holiday plans with them to finance your parents’ latest harebrained scheme? Or betrayed your scapegoat sibling by siding with your parents against them, even though you know their stance is unfair? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to seriously consider why you are causing these people to suffer just so mom and dad keep telling you how great you are.
9. Spend some time with your mirror and recognize that you’re an adult now.
You’re no longer a child whose security and happiness are dictated by your parents’ approval or punishment. If they choose to give you the silent treatment because you aren’t behaving the way they’d like, that has zero bearing on your daily life: you (presumably) aren’t dependent upon them for survival, nor will their perceived punishment affect your work or social sphere.
Although it’s nice to have a harmonious relationship with your parents, it’s not necessary in order to live a full, happy life. Choose independence and self-validation rather than their approval, and leave the ball in their court as to whether they’ll pursue a healthy, mature relationship with you or not.
Final thoughts…
If the cost of earning your parents’ approval means betraying yourself, then the price is simply too high to pay. Your life is yours to live — not theirs. They made their own life choices, and your time isn’t theirs to dictate, nor approve of.
If they were to disappear tomorrow, leaving you free to live life on your own terms, you’d make seriously different choices, wouldn’t you? If the answer is yes, then stop waiting for the magical day in which you’ll be free from the weight of desire for their approval, and choose to make that freedom a reality right now.
