The moment you start trusting yourself, your world will rapidly change. Far too many people move through life basing their decisions on the perceptions of others who are just as flawed as they are. They feel bad if they don’t fit in. If they aren’t good enough, pretty enough, talented enough – or whatever it is they feel bad about.
As you work on this part of yourself and heal, you’ll find that you start exhibiting different behaviors than before. Behaviors such as these.
1. You make decisions without polling everyone.
There are two types of validation – internal and external. People who can internally validate (or self-validate) don’t go looking to other people for permission to do things.
It’s normal to want to talk to someone about decisions you’re making to be certain they’re actually a good idea. A second set of eyes can help you spot mistakes that you might make, but you shouldn’t be asking for permission to live your life.
A person who has healed and developed a healthy sense of self-validation can make these big decisions independently. They know it may not go as planned, but they’re confident enough in themselves that they can find a solution.
2. You’re okay with people not liking you.
There are billions of people in the world. You won’t like some, and some won’t like you. That is the normal state of things. It’s as natural as the sun rising and setting. So, why care so much about whether or not you’re liked? Well, it feels good to be liked, and most people would prefer that.
However, people who aren’t chasing validation understand that some people don’t like them – and that’s okay! Those people may not like you for no reason at all. As the old saying goes, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree, but some people just don’t like peaches.”
The healed person knows that there are people out there who love and adore peaches. You just have to be patient enough to find them.
3. You express your true opinion, even if it’s unpopular.
Psych Central informs us that those who need the approval of others tend to mold their opinions to fit the social group. They don’t express how they genuinely feel because they want to fit in with the group. It may be that they accept, tolerate, or participate in bad behavior because that’s what the group is doing. The need for validation may cause them to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do.
The person who has stopped chasing validation doesn’t care so much about the group’s opinion, because they’ve stopped fearing others’ judgment. If they have an opinion, they will share it despite the fact that it may not be popular, and they will stand by it. They stay authentic even when conformity is rewarded. Sometimes, you have to stand up and go against the group because mob mentality isn’t often good.
4. You no longer feel the need to over-explain yourself.
People who aren’t sure of themselves spend too much time explaining themselves to others. They explain their life and choices because they are hoping to get validation from that person. It may be that they want to be told that they are doing a good job, or they are just unsure of themselves.
I struggled with this for a long time as part of my own healing journey. I wasn’t very sure of myself and I didn’t feel good about myself, so I would often seek the approval of other people that what I was doing was the right thing. But why should I rely on someone else to tell me what I think should be good and right?
Do I need to explain how and why I think the way I do to justify myself to others? Sometimes, but I don’t do it for other people to pat me on the head anymore. Instead, I’ll explain myself if someone is unsure or has a contrary opinion.
The fact of the matter is that I almost always put due diligence behind my choices, opinions, and beliefs by researching them thoroughly. No one else was doing that research or having the experiences that I did to bring me to the conclusions that I arrived at. So it makes no sense to trust their opinions over mine.
Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m right all the time. I have strong opinions that are gently held. If I’m wrong, then I’m wrong, and that’s okay.
5. You set boundaries without feeling guilty.
You don’t need permission to protect your space. People who struggle with validation have a difficult time asserting themselves, establishing boundaries, and enforcing them. They may feel like they aren’t worthy of having boundaries, or that they won’t be as liked or valued as much. It may be that they are afraid of disappointing others.
People who truly like and value you will not have a problem with you having boundaries. They will adapt, and your relationship will evolve. Those who were using you for your agreeable nature will realize they can’t keep doing that, and react with anger or distance themselves.
The good news is that once those people have cycled away and you start setting boundaries, those people can be replaced with new friends who value and respect you.
6. You don’t need external praise to feel good.
Compliments are nice to receive, but the approval of others can’t define your worth. People who need external validation often sacrifice important pieces of themselves to earn that outside approval. After a while, that fosters resentment because you’re not being true to yourself and what matters to you.
The healed person can accept a compliment or praise with grace. All it takes is a simple “thank you” to whoever gave the praise. They don’t crave compliments and praise for approval because they already know that they are more than good enough in whatever they do.
7. You pursue the life goals that matter to you.
Many people chase achievements for the external validation they will receive. They want the fame, the accolades, the pats on the back, and everything that goes along with it. They’re not doing it because it’s their goal or they are particularly passionate. Instead, they are living out the goals of whoever it is they are trying to impress.
People who no longer crave external validation understand that the only person they need to truly impress is themself. Instead of focusing on goals that will earn praise, they turn their eyes to the goals that truly matter to them. It’s a sense of freedom that develops once you realize that applause doesn’t matter nearly as much as what goes on in your heart, and what feels right.
8. You embrace your flaws and imperfections.
Far too many people believe they need to be perfect to be valuable or desired. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If you think about it, it can’t be true because no one is perfect! Of course, people put a lot of time and energy into appearing perfect. They spend so much of their time and money just to earn the validation of others.
People with a strong sense of internal validation don’t feel the need to hide their flaws and imperfections. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about looking good or taking care of themselves, though. No, what it means is that they do it because it makes them feel good about themselves. They love their flaws and imperfections just as much as their strengths.
9. You feel peace in solitude.
People seek validation from others in numerous ways. Some seek validation through emotional or sexual connection. That’s a recipe for a disaster of a relationship because sooner or later, the feel-good hormones run out. The novelty wears off, and they start looking to other people to once again provide that validation.
Those who no longer need external validation are okay with being alone. They know that they don’t need others to validate them or want them, for them to be a valuable person. That also gives them the freedom to move away from people or situations that harm them to those that are more empowering, like leaving toxic relationships behind.
To be the best version of yourself.
External validation is a path of suffering and unhappiness. You’re left to the whims of the flawed people you are trying to earn validation from to give it to you. Who’s to say they know what’s best for you and your life? Quite simply, they don’t. Their opinion about you and how you live your life is just not important.
What matters is that you can be happy with yourself, whether you are surrounded by people or spending some time in life alone.
