While many people part ways and divorce when things go south between them, others continue to live together beneath the same roof — remaining married, yet living separate lives. Some do this as an active, mutual decision, but in most cases, it’s a gradual degradation that results in more of a housemate situation than a marriage.
If the majority of the following signs seem familiar to you, then this has probably been your reality for some time. By being aware of it, you can decide what the next steps in your life should be.
1. If you’re dealing with difficulty, your partner is the last person you turn to rather than the first.
One of the key reasons you’re living separate lives while still being married may be the fact that your spouse has let you down so many times that you learned you can’t depend on them for anything. That includes not being able to count on them for solace or help when personal issues arise.
Here’s a perfect example: I got quite ill when I was in my last relationship and ended up being rushed to the hospital. My then-husband did not accompany me. He figured I was “in good hands”, and since there were other important things for him to do, there was no point in him being there.
Actions like these show a person what kind of priority they are in their spouse’s life, and it’s not near the top. As such, they learn to turn to others when difficulties arise, rather than the person who has repeatedly thrown them under the bus.
2. You both think in “I” terms rather than “we.”
Whether you’re making plans for holiday get-togethers or thinking about future financial plans, you’re likely both approaching things as individuals rather than as a couple. For example, if your spouse mentions the huge dental bill they received, your response will be detached sympathy rather than reassurance that you’ll pay it together. Or if someone asks what your summer vacation plans are, you talk about what you (as an individual) will be doing. After all, you have no idea what your partner will get up to.
Similarly, when you imagine where you’ll be 20 years from now, the situations you envision don’t involve your spouse. Maybe you see yourself living in a studio apartment and working on art, or in a pretty house on the outskirts of a Portuguese village. But either way, you’re alone there — maybe with a dog or cat, but not your spouse. They don’t feature in your future plans at all.
3. Decisions are made without consulting one another first.
You may come home to discover that your spouse has bought a new car without mentioning anything to you about replacing it. Alternatively, if you decide to donate money to a charity that’s important to you, it would never occur to you to talk to your spouse about it first.
Essentially, you don’t check in or discuss things with your spouse anymore because you’re basically housemates at this point. You wouldn’t ask your housemate if it’s okay for you to go on a trip to Europe or spend a few hundred dollars on new clothes: it’s your life, and they have no say in it. The same thing happens in an invisible divorce — you may be living under one roof, but you aren’t “together” in any way, shape, or form.
4. The only things you discuss pertain to responsibilities.
Grocery shopping. Bills. Upcoming holiday obligations. These may be the only things the two of you discuss, and when there’s nothing to plan together, you don’t bother speaking. In fact, you may pass each other in the kitchen or hallway and barely even acknowledge each other’s existence.
You aren’t at each other’s throats at all — in fact, you might be very amicable and courteous towards each other. The two of you behave like colleagues who get along well enough, but aren’t “friends” and don’t socialize outside of the workplace. You only interact when you need something printed or sent off to a client.
5. Your first instincts are defense and evasion rather than openness.
On the flip side, when you and your spouse do communicate, things may be tense and suspicious rather than open or friendly. In fact, each of you may assume that the other person is only asking you questions because they’re trying to cause you distress of some kind.
As a result, innocuous questions like “What have you been up to lately?” may be answered with “Why do you want to know?” rather than a real answer. Alternatively, either of you may get defensive easily, so if one asks if the other has seen a particular item, they may be challenged as to whether they think the other has broken it or something.
6. You have no idea what the other is doing or interested in, and neither of you asks.
If anyone were to ask you what your spouse’s plans are on the weekend, you wouldn’t be able to answer them. You don’t know, don’t care, and don’t plan to find out. Unless the thing they’re up to impacts your life directly, you have no interest in it whatsoever.
They may have completely changed their diet and have several lovers on the side, and you haven’t got a clue. You don’t ask them about their life, and they don’t ask you about yours. The only way your lives overlap is if you need to remove each other’s laundry from the dryer or wait your turn for the shower.
7. Tallies are kept across the board.
Whether it’s financial contributions or past hurts and transgressions, there is always a tally being kept. If you paid X amount for groceries that you both shared, then they’re expected to contribute the same amount next time. Similarly, if your marriage started breaking down because one of you had an affair, the other will make a point of doing the same to even the score.
It’s all tit-for-tat and payback instead of acknowledging the ebb and flow that happens in people’s lives. Quite simply, instead of having each other’s backs anymore, you’re watching your own and looking for opportunities to screw each other over if it means gaining an advantage or getting revenge in some way.
8. There’s no energy between you anymore.
When love exists between two people, there’s a sense of warmth between them, even in the smallest interactions. Now, when the two of you interact, it’s with the terse politeness you’d share with staff members or the people on public transit whom you’re forced to deal with every day, rather than the amity between supposed family members.
If you have arguments, there may be no anger present: you just want to get the discussion over with so you can get back to your life. You’re checked out and want to conserve energy so you can do your own thing, knowing from experience that it’s futile to try to fix anything.
9. You avoid being at home, and when you are there, you’re alone.
Much like with housemates who tolerate each other but don’t particularly get along, you may both try to avoid being home whenever possible. Maybe you work late and on weekends, or you fill your calendar with social functions to attend on a near-nightly basis, just to avoid the weighty atmosphere in your shared dwelling.
When you are at home, you’re holed up in your own room or office and only venture forth for food and bathing. You have solitary pursuits, you watch shows or movies alone, and you only cook for yourself. If you or your spouse were to keel over and exit this mortal realm, neither of you would notice any time soon — you’re that disconnected from each other.
Final thoughts…
There are many reasons why people may choose a silent or invisible divorce rather than parting ways. Some stay for financial reasons or to raise their children together, while others don’t necessarily want to split up, but don’t want to remain a couple either.
If you both have the inclination, couples therapy may help you to rekindle the spark that once existed between you, but it has to be a mutual choice. The key here is to recognize the state you’re in together and determine whether to take action to improve things or maintain the status quo indefinitely.
