I don’t know about you, but there are few things that have made me feel like an ass quite as much as trying to comfort someone who’s going through difficulty only to make things significantly worse. It’s truly awful to see someone you care about crumple like a dry leaf because you’ve missed the mark spectacularly when all you wanted to do was bring them a measure of peace.
If this sounds familiar, the behaviors listed below are the ones to avoid doing at all costs when it comes to comforting those around you.
1. Comforting them as you would want to be comforted.
If I were going through a great deal of personal difficulty, I’d feel immensely cheered up if my partner got me some new exercise equipment, because working out is my happy place. Astonishingly, this approach would Not Be A Good Idea for anyone who doesn’t share my passion for physical fitness, as you might imagine. Picture your partner having a rough day, and you offer them a workout DVD to cheer them up. Rest in peace, pal.
The key to offering sincere comfort is to tailor your actions to the other person’s needs and preferences rather than taking a one-size-fits-all approach, much like one of my favorite YouTube creators, Dewayne Noel, does with his horses. He’s trained thousands of horses, and meets each of them where they are, adapting his approach to them as individuals rather than determining that there’s one “right” way to do it and forcing it upon all of them as though they’re a hive mind.
People are much the same: what works for one will be completely wrong for another.
2. Reassuring them that everything is going to be okay.
Hollow platitudes like these may seem soothing and comforting to the person who’s cooing them, but they’re usually said to quiet the upset individual rather than offer real solace. Most people aren’t comfortable with the distress of others. As a result, they often try to dispel it in any way they can in order to redirect the conversation to something more palatable.
The unfortunate reality is that there is no guarantee that everything is going to be okay. This is particularly true if the person who’s in distress just received a scary medical diagnosis or had their life turned upside-down by a marital affair or devastating financial disaster.
Rather than blithely reassuring them that everything is going to be okay, instead reassure them that they can handle whatever unfolds, and that you’ll be there to help them through it.
3. Surprising them with something to make them feel better.
You may have the best of intentions when you do something like this, but one person’s good time is another’s nightmare. Furthermore, the person in question may have neither the energy nor the inclination to do something wild and exciting, but because you want them to feel happy, they end up feeling obligated to pretend they’re enjoying themselves.
It’s kind to want to help your loved one feel better, but these efforts may end up doing more harm than good. Showing up with food, insisting upon spending time with them (when they might prefer to be alone), or buying them something they don’t actually want can add extra stress and obligation to an already fraught situation.
4. Invalidating their feelings by implying that they’re upset over nothing.
If a person comes to you because they’re afraid or upset, and your response is to tell them to calm down and stop worrying because it’s “no big deal,” that isn’t going to help. This person is hurting for a valid reason, even if you can’t relate to it, so dismissing and invalidating their feelings isn’t going to improve the situation: it’s going to make them feel very alone.
A better thing to do here is to help them bring their focus to the tangible. Rather than spinning out over all the potential “what ifs,” keep the spotlight on the known details so an action plan can be put into place. Let them know that it’s understandable that they’re upset, but also that even though things may be difficult right now, they are brave and capable enough to handle difficult things.
5. Dwelling on the negative.
When difficult things happen, many people fixate on the negative as a coping mechanism.
A good example of this would be going on about how awful someone’s now-ex spouse is while you’re comforting them about the split. You may think you’re comforting them by trash-talking their ex: going on about how they never deserved them, maybe telling them about things that person did behind their back, and so on.
But dwelling on the negative like this doesn’t actually help anything. It might make them feel slightly better in the moment, but it can lead to even greater hurt, anger, or even retaliation. Furthermore, if this person ends up getting back together with their partner, they may turn on you for telling them what you did, or their partner might insist that you be cut out of their lives for interfering and trash-talking.
6. Telling them what you would do if you were in their shoes.
People handle stressful situations in a wide variety of ways, depending on who they are as individuals and what works best in their unique lives. As such, a solution that would work well for one individual may not be the right option for another.
Trying to convince this person to do the same thing you would do if you were in their shoes is going to make them feel significantly worse. Not only are they struggling to figure out their next steps, but now they need to negotiate around not offending you by turning down your suggestions, and draining themselves by explaining why.
If they ask you what you would do, by all means, tell them, but be sure to also keep in mind (and potentially highlight) any differences between you that might not make this a practical approach for them.
7. Informing them of what they should feel.
Years ago, I was at a pub with a friend who was having a horrible time because of how badly his father had treated him. He was feeling terribly hurt and betrayed, and another acquaintance of ours piped up that he should feel grateful that at least he has a father (when this guy did not).
Informing someone of what they should (or should not) be feeling dismisses this person’s lived experience and personal struggles. Furthermore, it implies that what this guy’s dad did really doesn’t matter, and that his mere existence should be celebrated regardless of how he treats those close to him.
We never know the intricacies of someone else’s life, and only they can determine how to feel in any given situation. If you really want to support them (and keep them in your life), you’ll need to respect and honor that.
8. Diminishing what they’re experiencing.
Some people try to point out the silver lining to difficulties that others are going through by reminding them that things could be much worse.
For example, if a person announces to their family that they have Lupus or COPD, someone else might respond with “at least you don’t have cancer!” — as though the health issues they’re facing are somehow irrelevant when compared to a different kind of serious condition.
Every person’s experience is unique to them, and should be honored and respected as such. Try not to diminish their feelings simply because it doesn’t feel big or important enough to acknowledge, because of your own life experience, or someone else’s you know. You might have been through far worse, and to you this is no big deal, but it may be monumental and terrifying to them.
9. Making it about yourself.
Some people try to connect with others by describing situations in which they experienced something similar to what that individual is going through. A lot of neurodivergent people, in particular, use this approach as a means of showing empathy and comprehension. To them, they’re explaining that they understand why their loved one is struggling because they have firsthand experience that was much the same.
While it comes from a well-intentioned place, it’s important to remember that not everyone will understand this “shift response” approach. In fact, a lot of people may interpret this as one-upmanship or trying to center yourself in the spotlight, rather than acknowledging that it’s an attempt at empathy to show that you understand them.
While it’s important to honor your natural communication style, it’s also good to allow people space to feel heard. To do that, you can share your experience briefly, but then bring the focus back to them.
Final thoughts…
If you unintentionally make someone feel worse when trying to comfort them, try not to beat yourself up about it. Apologize to them and explain the intention behind your actions, and then ask them what you can do to help.
Give them space to work through what happened, and let them get back to you when they’re ready to do so. We all make mistakes and miss the mark on occasion: this is how we learn. Let them tell you how they need to be comforted and cared for, and follow their lead accordingly. And of course, you should expect the same courtesy from them when the time comes.
