Many people are devastated to discover that their relationships have transformed into roommate-like dynamics over time, and they have no idea how that happened. In all likelihood, they ended up making the mistakes below again and again until their partners ended up feeling like their siblings. Don’t let the same happen to you.
1. Prioritizing work over one another.
According to Forbes, workaholism can seriously contribute to relationship demise. Those whose partners prioritize work over their partnership end up feeling lonely and unimportant, or even “defective” because their spouses show so little interest in them. These feelings intensify if they have children, as they’re effectively single parents with absent partners.
While work is important because of the financial freedom it brings, what use is a fancy house or trips abroad if there’s nobody special to share those things with?
2. Avoiding confrontation or communication about things that bother them.
Countless relationships fall into roommate land because partners don’t communicate with one another. In fact, according to Psychology Today, communication breakdown is a leading cause of what we know as “roommate syndrome”.
This type of communication breakdown often occurs when partners don’t want to rock the boat by confronting one another about things that bother them or expressing their needs due to potential rejection. This causes a rift that just gets bigger and bigger due to everything left unsaid, until it’s an impassable chasm.
3. A lack of openness.
Those who grew up in unhealthy family dynamics often learn from a young age that sharing their thoughts and emotions can lead to mockery or even punishment. As a result, they keep their romantic partner at a safe emotional distance and might even be secretive about their interests and pursuits to avoid condemnation.
Psychology Today tells us that this behavior doesn’t just sow mistrust in a partnership, but it makes the other partner feel unneeded. Their emotionally unavailable spouse freezes them out like they don’t care if they’re around or not.
4. No longer being physically affectionate.
This doesn’t necessarily entail sexual intimacy, but also hugs, casual touch (like cuddling on the couch), hand holding, forehead kisses, and so on. One mistake that often occurs is that one of the partners will be unwell and not want to be touched, so the other feels rejected.
This ends up snowballing because the one who feels rejected won’t want to initiate intimacy, and the other partner won’t either because they feel unwanted. The next thing they know, they’ve been celibate and miserable for years.
5. Eating separately.
Shared meals are a wonderful opportunity to talk with one’s partner while doing something enjoyable: savoring delicious food together. Life can get incredibly harried, so this is a chance for both partners to sit down, relax, and discuss what’s going on in their lives.
Those who end up like glorified roommates tend to eat separately rather than together. One might eat a sandwich over the sink before getting back to their game, while the other will take a bowl back to their room so they can keep binge-watching their show. In doing so, they miss out on a vital opportunity to connect and communicate at the end of a busy day.
6. Assuming their relationship will maintain itself without intentional input.
Expecting a relationship to maintain itself without loving care is like expecting a garden to thrive without regular maintenance. In the same way that the latter needs weeding, watering, fertilizing, and pruning to be healthy, the former also needs a significant amount of TLC.
Those who want their relationships to be happy, loving, and successful need to put real effort into maintaining them. This requires communication, affection, and everything else that goes into a healthy partnership, permanently — not just when they’re dating.
7. Ignoring (or not bothering to learn) each other’s love languages.
When a person’s love language isn’t recognized or reciprocated, they end up feeling unloved and unappreciated. In many cases, both partners end up feeling that way because they’re communicating in different languages and not being understood.
This is why it’s so important to learn how both partners express love and what they need to receive in order to feel loved in turn. Otherwise, the one who values quality time will be disappointed by a gift, and the one who loves receiving gifts will feel like they aren’t worth a monetary investment.
8. Stagnating by never doing anything new.
Couples who are dating invariably do fun new things together. They might go to concerts, try new restaurants, or even do silly things like play glow-in-the-dark mini golf or Bingo. In contrast, couples who are together for a decade or more tend to stagnate and just do the same thing week after week.
We get it: routines can be incredibly comfortable to adhere to, especially in times of chaotic upheaval. If the thought of shaking up routines induces anxiety, then start small, like ordering in different food to try together. There are literally hundreds of new hobbies you could try out together.
9. Taking each other for granted.
While both partners might have been incredibly diligent towards one another at first, many start to take one another for granted over time. They won’t do chores because they know their partner will take care of them, nor take the initiative to do nice things because there’s something else they’d rather do instead.
Essentially, they see their partner as a permanent fixture who exists to ensure that their needs are met, rather than someone who has chosen to be with them but still has the option to leave.
10. Falling into an unhealthy parent/child dynamic.
Many people who agree to couples therapy will express to the therapist that they’re willing to do anything needed around the house: all their partner has to do is tell them what needs to be done.
This places the other partner in a parental position that they never signed up for. They don’t want a child to assign tasks to, but an equal who will see what needs to be done and take the initiative to do so. No sane person wants to be intimate with their kid, and as such, this overfunctioning destroys any romantic connection in the relationship.
11. Taking care of things on their own instead of as a team.
Independence is great, but when people insist on doing everything themselves instead of working with their partners, that ends up having a negative twofold effect: their partner ends up feeling useless and unneeded, and the one who’s doing things solo feels like they don’t receive any help — even though they didn’t ask for (or want) it!
Teamwork is a vital part of a relationship, so it’s important to do things together. Even if it’s something as simple as making snacks or assembling a bookcase, do it as a team.
12. Conducting the relationship like a business partnership.
Most conversations revolve around things that need doing, from home repairs to bill payments and furniture-buying options. Chores and tasks are delegated as though the marriage were a workplace, all discussed in a business-like manner instead of as a loving couple.
While this approach might work for people who aren’t particularly emotional, it can be devastating to those who have a more romantic lean. They want a loving, nurturing relationship between equals, not to be treated like an employee or a servant.
