Do you always feel like you’re waiting for something bad to happen? Like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop? That has a name. It’s called “anticipatory anxiety,” and people try to cope with it by adopting certain behaviors that help them prepare for the future.
Unfortunately, some of the habits this over-preparation creates can cause some significant issues for your mental health or relationships. The following habits aren’t necessarily bad in limited quantities; it’s when they become intrusive that it becomes an issue.
1. They are constantly scanning other people’s moods.
The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health informs us that those who come from emotionally abusive or neglectful backgrounds or have experienced domestic violence may become hypersensitive to the body language of people around them. Their subconscious mind is directing them to look for threats.
The subconscious mind is thinking that the sooner they can identify potential danger, the safer they will be.
This can become a problem in healthy relationships because it can feel overwhelming and smothering. I’ve personally run into this issue in some of my relationships, with the added mix of my autism complicating things. Being that I’m autistic, when I stop masking, other people can’t read my face to try to gauge my emotions. There’s just nothing there to give away my feelings.
Pair that with someone who brings with them this kind of hypervigilance and hypersensitivity, and it basically was fuel for her anxiety. As a result, she would often overcompensate by constantly asking, “Are you okay? Are you doing okay?” over and over and over again. One might argue, “Oh! Well, at least someone cared about how you were doing to pay attention!”
But that’s the problem. It wasn’t because she cared about me. Well, it was, but it wasn’t the primary reason. It was because she was anxious and was trying to self-soothe. It would be multiple times a day, multiple days a week, for the duration of the relationship.
2. They have a hard time enjoying the good moments in life.
It doesn’t matter how well things are going; this person is waiting for something bad to happen. Instead of being present in a moment, they may be thinking things like, “Well, this isn’t going to last forever.”
Of course it isn’t! Nothing lasts forever. That’s not some deep or insightful realization. That’s why you have to enjoy the present moment that you know you actually have.
But people who struggle with anxiety don’t necessarily have that reasonable perspective. Their brain is active and alert, waiting for things to go wrong or get bad. Then, when the thing inevitably runs its course (as all things eventually do), they see it as confirmation of their anxiety rather than just the natural state of the world.
Everything changes sooner or later. Everything ends sooner or later. There’s no reason to fear or dread that, when we can instead focus on celebrating our present in whatever way we can.
3. They apologize excessively before there’s any reason to apologize.
Psychology Today shares that over-apologizing is often an indicator of anxiety. The goal in this situation is to neutralize rejection before it can take form. This person may have been led to believe that their very existence can be perceived as an inconvenience, so they apologize to reduce the chances that they are left behind. This kind of behavior often comes from childhood trauma where the person didn’t have any kind of agency over what was happening to them.
Instead, they were at the whims of inconsistent adults who didn’t necessarily love them in a way that they deserved. Addressing whatever trauma is driving that behavior is so important because no one should be living apologetically. Not only that, but these people tend to be people pleasers, so they get used or taken advantage of when they just want acceptance and safety.
4. They interpret silence as something negative.
Instead of viewing silence as neutral, hypervigilant minds tend to fill in gaps or delays in information as confirmation of their worst fears and anxiety. For example, if someone doesn’t respond to a text in a timely fashion, the individual may conclude that they did something wrong to warrant the silent treatment. It’s not something as simple as, “Oh, maybe their phone went dead,” or “They went to the bathroom.”
Instead, it jumps to extremes like, “They must be dead in a gutter somewhere,” or “They’re cheating on me!”
That kind of insecurity comes through in the silent moments of relationships where you can’t be all over each other all the time. It drives behaviors like forcing someone to check in every hour when they’re out with friends or requiring them to have a locator service turned on for their phone. That way, the other person can soothe themselves by constantly watching their partner. It’s not healthy.
5. They constantly have pre-discussions in their head, “just in case.”
Have you ever found yourself trying to pre-plan a discussion? That’s a normal thing to happen when you have a big conversation coming up. You’re nervous, and you want to make it go well, right? Well, people who are struggling with anticipatory anxiety will experience this often, including rehearsing mundane conversations like talking to the person behind the gas station counter or struggling to make a phone call.
It’s almost intrusive in nature because they may not even want to be thinking about it. But, instead, they may find themselves lost in trying to sort out all the possibilities ahead of time. It’s a way for them to try to be prepared for when that social situation or conversation does have to happen.
6. They rehearse disasters in their head before they happen.
The fun thing about disasters is that they rarely follow a script. Still, that doesn’t stop someone whose hypervigilant from overthinking every possible way that even the most mundane situation can go wrong. This is similar to pre-planning discussions and is often confused with just being vigilant.
A failure to plan ahead is planning to fail. Right?
Well, no. Because we’re not talking about just big and important situations. Being aware and informed about a particular situation isn’t a bad thing. It’s when you start obsessing over things that aren’t really that big of a deal that it starts to become worrisome. It’s like, if your spouse decided to take a road trip and you’re planning what happens if they were to get into a car accident and die.
Could it happen? Certainly. Is it likely to happen? And is it worth worrying over? Eh. That’s debatable.
7. They struggle with relaxing without feeling guilty.
It’s not necessary for you to burn your candle at both ends. Life is a long journey, and you can’t constantly be running and running and running without pausing to smell the flowers once in a while. It’s okay to take the time to slow down, stop, and rest. The world will not fall apart if you don’t hold everything together.
Still, people who are struggling with anxiety have a hard time sitting still. They may be constantly looking at all of the other things they could be doing to improve a situation. However, the reason it’s so unhealthy is that it’s an unending cycle. There is ALWAYS more you could be doing. There is an infinite amount of stuff you could be doing. But that isn’t healthy.
You need rest, and you should be able to enjoy it too.
Final thoughts…
Anxiety is a hard thing to navigate. Your brain keeps you in high alert, trying to anticipate problems before they become a problem. It’s a defensive mechanism where the brain is trying to soothe itself so that it can actually find some moments to rest. It points to a mental health wound that needs to be addressed. Call it trauma or just anxiety. Either way, the outcome is usually the same.
Regardless of the underlying reason, if you find that this is a persistent problem for you, it is a good idea to speak to a trained professional about it. You don’t have to struggle alone.
