Have you ever turned away from the mirror in shame because you couldn’t bear to make eye contact with the person you see there? A lot of us have lost self-respect by agreeing to things we don’t want to do, or allowing others to mistreat us instead of standing up and demanding the respect we deserve.
And while we can’t go back and undo the past, we can all decide to change certain behaviors as we move forward. To maintain (or rebuild) your self-respect, make sure to say “no” to the following things.
1. Agreeing to things you don’t want to do.
Those who have a high degree of self-respect are fully aware of what they do and don’t want to do, and won’t be coerced into something they have absolutely no interest in doing. Others might cave into peer pressure or guilt trips and then resent others later for “forcing” them to do things. What’s more, they’ll hate themselves for not turning down the invitation instead of agreeing against their will.
If you want to be able to respect the person you see reflected back at you in the mirror, learn to stand your ground and decline if you don’t want to do something. There are some things you should always feel brave enough to say no to. This might range from social functions to sexual escapades, and everything in between. If you’re not into it, and will think less of yourself after doing so, then learn to say no without any sense of guilt.
2. Being someone else’s backup plan.
Far too many people accept being someone else’s “plan B”, rather than a priority in their lives. Sometimes, what happens is that they’ll meet a person who’s already seeing someone else, but they’ll keep interacting (and often flirting) with that person just in case things don’t work out between them and their current love interest. The same thing can happen in friend groups, in which someone will invite a friend out only to be told that they’re keeping their options open for that date, but will let them know if something better doesn’t come along.
Should you find yourself in a position like this, ask yourself why you’re putting up with this kind of behavior, and choose self-respect and self-care over validation from someone else. If someone doesn’t prioritize you or your time, don’t waste any more energy on them.
Instead, save your energy for those who’ll make it a point of letting you know that they value and respect you, rather than assuming you’ll be around when and if they deign to acknowledge your existence.
3. Justifying or explaining yourself to others.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what you do, nor are you obligated to justify yourself to someone else’s satisfaction. Psychology Today reminds us that “No” is a complete sentence, and “because I don’t want to” is the only reason you ever need to give. Unless you’re giving testimony in a court case, you don’t have to divulge anything to anyone unless you want to.
Those who are accustomed to others giving explanations on demand will be taken aback when you don’t, and may try to bully or coerce you into doing so, which may include implying that you’re a difficult person for not acquiescing to their demands. Don’t give in. I’ve found that an ideal approach in a situation like this is to remind the person that I have already given them an answer, and I’m not going to repeat myself.
4. Remaining silent to keep the peace.
Most people kick themselves mentally for years for not speaking up about an issue when it arose. Some might deeply regret not protecting a friend from someone else’s abuse or bigotry, while others might have stayed silent to maintain family harmony instead of standing up for their partner, sibling, or parent.
If you’ve experienced this in the past, learn from the experience and refuse to remain silent for fear of rocking the boat, so to speak. If that boat needs to be rocked, so be it: you’ll feel a lot better about maintaining your self-respect — and putting others in their place, if need be.
As an aside, if you feel bad about not having protected others in the past, there’s no time like the present to let them know how you feel and ask how you can make it up to them.
5. Setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Sacrificing your wellbeing to take care of others might seem like a noble, selfless thing to do, but it can only result in harming you. I can say this from personal experience: I spent far too many years people pleasing and putting other people’s needs ahead of my own and overworking to compensate for their slacking, and I ended up having a stroke.
You can’t help anyone else if you’re a broken mess. Instead of perpetually trying to pour from an empty cup, make self-care and self-replenishment a priority. You can’t help anyone else if you don’t help yourself first.
6. Shrinking yourself to make others feel more comfortable around you.
How often have you held back from expressing your capabilities or natural attributes for the sake of avoiding potential judgment or criticism? Or, for that matter, not making others feel bad because you’ve outshone them? Maybe you’ve dressed to hide your figure so others don’t feel insecure in your presence, or you’ve remained quiet at work (or school) so others don’t see you as an insufferable know-it-all?
You are a glorious glimmer of the universe made flesh, and you deserve to shine just as much as everybody else does. Stand up straight, pour authentic effort into everything you do, stop caring what people think of you, and be recognized for your brilliance. If others feel that you’re making them look bad because you’re outperforming or outshining them, that’s their issue — not yours.
7. Changing who you are to earn someone else’s love.
Many of us have known people who have tamped down essential aspects of themselves to seem more appealing (or even acceptable) to someone else. In some cases, people have pretended to be something they aren’t in order to maintain their parents’ love and approval, while others have completely reinvented themselves for the sake of a new romantic partner or friend group.
When this happens, the person in question loses part of themselves in the masquerade. They often become anxious and depressed because they aren’t living authentically, and eventually end up having breakdowns or other severe health effects from the daily cost of maintaining their facade.
If you want to keep your self-respect and to interact with others who love and care about you — the real you — unconditionally, then learn to be true to who you are rather than becoming who someone else wants you to be. You’ll love and respect yourself a lot more by doing so, and will have people in your life who are sincerely worthy of being there.
Final thoughts…
Keep reminding yourself that “no” is a complete sentence. Those who have grown accustomed to you making yourself available for their whims will push back when you establish new boundaries with them. But if you maintain them and don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you, they’ll learn quickly that they’ll need to show you the respect you deserve, or risk losing you. Should they choose the latter rather than show you decency and care, then they aren’t the people you’re meant to have in your life.
