Glue is great, isn’t it? It’s there for you when you want to get crafty, or when you need to superglue heads back on ornaments you accidentally knocked off the shelf (just me?).
Glue is the fixer of all things broken, working well to hold pieces together that would otherwise fall apart.
Here’s a question, though. Are you glue?
Sometimes it can feel like that’s the role you’re being asked to play, especially when everyone comes to you, knowing that you’ve got a strong track record in fixing their problems.
The thing is, while you’re busy doing that, who’s showing up for you? If you can’t answer that, then maybe it’s time to start letting them, using these 7 tips to get you started.
7 ways to let others show up for you, too:
1. Hold back on telling people you’re fine when you’re not.
When I think of “I’m fine!” I always see Ross from Friends, holding his margarita, waiting for those fajitas to cook, telling Rachel, Joey, and Charlie that he was fine.
And we all laughed, didn’t we? We laughed because we, the audience, knew that he very much wasn’t fine, and so did the characters.
I often wonder why, in real life, people say they’re okay even though the world is evidently crumbling under their feet, too.
I have been guilty of it myself, and I think a huge part of it is that you don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not okay.
But if you can’t do that, how can you possibly begin to deal with what it is you’re not okay with?
People in those circumstances don’t want to fall apart because they’re so used to being that strong person for everyone else. After all, if you lose it, what hope have you got in keeping their lives together?
That’s an unhealthy amount of pressure to put on yourself, if you ask me.
Don’t be like Ross.
2. Tell people what you need instead of hoping they’ll just know.
I keep a lot of needless items in my bag that I carry around with me, but I can safely say none of those items is a crystal ball.
Number one, who wants to lug one of those bad boys around with them? Number two, they aren’t how I find out what the people in my life need.
If it worked that way, I’d probably accept the weight and get one, but it doesn’t. Instead, we need to be told. We need that call that says, “I am not doing great right now, and I could really do with…”
I’d be there in a shot to help. But I need to know that’s what you need. I’m not a mind reader.
If you’re waiting for someone to just pick up on that sixth sense that you really need someone to lean on, you’ve got to start speaking up.
Be a little more transparent with what you’re dealing with, and those who know you well enough will piece the rest together themselves.
3. Try to resist the desire to take over after someone has offered to help you.
I’ve had to rein myself in lately when my son has offered to help me hang the washing out to dry (I know, what a legend he is!).
“Can I help?” he asked. At first I did the motherly head tilt. “My boy wants to help!” I’d say in a high-pitched voice.
That quickly subsided when I observed him, like some sort of sleep-deprived caveman thrusting the items of clothing on the line in a shaggy heap, using 10 pegs for each one, before dusting his hands off and walking off proudly.
And I was proud that he offered to help, too, but I wanted to take over and correct it myself so that the clothes actually dried.
Instead, I smiled and asked him if he could come back and spread the clothes out a little more this time.
The funniest part was that he thought they looked fine, but I suspect that was because he wanted to go back indoors and finish his more important task of keeping the couch occupied.
He fixed it, though, so I didn’t have to.
The moral of this story is: don’t fully take over. Let people help when they offer, even if they do things differently.
And if you have to, just offer a gentle direction, so you know you’re on the same page.
4. Reach out before you reach breaking point.
Nobody in this life gets points for holding on until they literally break down and reach rock bottom.
It’s not a sign of strength to deal with everything yourself until you physically no longer can, and to not lean into your support system when they are both willing and able to help.
Let people in. Things can get really tough, and we’ve all been there, or at least somewhere similar.
Personally, I start to notice I’m dealing with too much when I am lying there at 3 am still unable to sleep.
And in the more sociable hours, I’ll reach out to the few friends I have before that becomes a regular thing. Even just talking to them makes me feel more sane, especially when they say, “I struggle with that too…”
I don’t want a breaking point to exist for me, and I don’t want it to exist for you, either.
Text a friend. Call a relative. That’s all you have to do.
5. Redefine what you think of as a weakness or burden.
Just as there is no strength in dealing with your issues alone, there’s also no weakness in reaching out to let others help you.
We’re people; we were built to communicate and come together.
Our ancestors weren’t down at Stonehenge building those Neolithic houses alone; they worked together! Yet somehow, over time, we have been led to believe that strong people cope alone:
They don’t.
Also, for the record, the people who truly love and care about you are never too busy to lean on. Just as you are never too busy when they need you. You are not a burden.
If you feel that way, there’s a good chance it’s because you were made to feel guilty asking for help growing up. But you can begin to unlearn that with the right people.
It’s okay to let those people in. They want to help.
6. Understand that letting others help is good for them, too.
Here’s the interesting thing about letting someone else carry your load if it’s getting too heavy:
It’s good for them, too!
Helping others has been shown to reduce stress and improve our well-being. Essentially, you get to breathe a little easier because I’m reducing your load, and I feel good because I’m helping you.
Is that not a good enough reason to let someone take it off your back for a little bit? You’re actually still helping them!
My favorite phrase when I see a friend or relative overwhelmed is, “What can I do? Give me one thing.” If it means they don’t have to worry about it, and I can get it done, then there are no losers in this dynamic.
7. Accept support without the automatic urge to return it.
A close family member of mine always does this, and I have gotten to the point where I gently remind her of this pattern every single time.
I see her, and she fills me in on the things going on in her world, and I always give her a hug. Halfway through that hug, she pulls back. “Listen to me making it all about me! Tell me what’s been going on with you!”
I give her my infamous eyebrow raise, and now she knows what that means. But before, I’d have to accompany it with, “It’s okay to talk about your life, you know. You’re just as important as anybody else. Give yourself some space to sit in what’s bothering you before we talk about me.”
You might do the same. It’s that automatic urge to downplay your issues, or feel like you have to return the favor of someone listening to you.
But listening isn’t a favor; it’s called being human.
Final thoughts…
Let’s end this with a quick reminder of some of the best lyrics ever written:
Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain
We all have sorrow…
…Lean on me when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For, it won’t be long,
‘Til I’m gonna need,
Somebody to lean on.
The late, great Bill Withers.
Note his words, though. We all go through hard times at some point. We all need someone. You can’t be someone who helps everyone else but never lets anyone do the same for you.
Leaning on people for support when you feel slightly weathered works both ways. So listen to Bill. Let people help you.
