People-pleasing is a subtle habit that can creep up on you without you even realizing it. It often comes from psychological wounds that you may not even be aware of.
People with low self-esteem or self-worth may subconsciously put others’ needs ahead of their own to earn approval. And that, in turn, may get you taken advantage of or taken for granted.
In a healthy relationship, the other person should not want that kind of imbalance to exist. But takers will be glad to exploit you.
Consider how you interact with others, and look for some of these small things in your relationships.
9 small things that count as people-pleasing:
1. You change your opinion when someone disagrees with it.
The people-pleaser often wants to create peace in their relationships because it is preferable to disagreement.
A disagreement may cause anxiety in the people-pleaser because they are looking for acceptance. They may come to believe that any kind of disagreement threatens the relationship.
However, a relationship or social group that would be disrupted simply by differing opinions probably isn’t all that healthy to begin with. Healthy, reasonable people can disagree on things.
In this scenario, it’s not that the people-pleaser heard new information and changed their mind. Instead, they just changed their opinion to match the other person or people’s, so they would be accepted and part of the group.
A group that would demand blind obedience is not a group worth being a part of.
2. Agreeing to plans without considering if you actually want to go.
Anytime her family says they have plans, Sarah immediately agrees to them without any consideration for herself.
She is just in the habit of saying yes, because she knows that not agreeing will result in an argument or guilt trip.
Sarah does the same with her friends, too, because she doesn’t want to let them down.
But now, Sarah finds herself with too much to do and not enough time to do it, because she’s agreed to so many things.
One of the kindest things Sarah can do for herself is to learn to be okay with letting other people down. It’s an unavoidable part of life.
You’re only one person, and you can’t be everywhere at once. Not only that, but other people will more than happily cut into your rest and relaxation time if you let them.
3. Overexplaining or justifying simple decisions.
There is a balance to be struck when considering whether or not you should be explaining your decisions.
Sometimes, it is necessary to explain yourself to make yourself understood to the people who are close to you. They may be genuinely interested in understanding why you made a particular decision.
The problem arises when you start doing it for everything, or when the other person is going to use it as a weapon against you.
You shouldn’t have to justify simple decisions. Other people should just accept that you’re competent enough to make the best decision that you can.
Will you make mistakes? Certainly. Everyone does. If a mistake was made, that is an entirely different situation. When you’ve made a mistake, an explanation may be necessary to find a solution.
But if not? Then they should just be giving you the benefit of the doubt.
4. Softening your requests until they no longer sound like a request.
“If you don’t mind, could you stop being so mean to me? I don’t appreciate it.”
The words you use to express yourself matter because other people will look for weak points to push.
When you add qualifiers like “If you don’t mind” or “If it’s not too much trouble,” you are essentially communicating that the request is optional.
But certain requests can’t be optional.
In the example given above, you need to use more forceful language to establish that boundary.
“You need to stop being mean to me. If you don’t, I’m leaving.”
It’s clear, direct, and communicates the repercussions if they do not change their behavior.
5. Keeping your preferences vague or not having them at all.
“Whatever you want to do.” “I don’t mind.”
This may seem like a kind and giving thing to do, but what it actually does is create resentment.
The resentment comes from not having your own needs and desires given the kind of consideration they deserve.
Furthermore, it can create a disparity of power in a relationship. The healthiest relationships give equal power to all participants.
When you’re not addressing your own needs, you are giving part of your power up. You’re expecting the other person to do right by you, but how can they even do that if they don’t know what your needs are?
They can’t, and it will doom the relationship if your needs are not considered.
6. Making yourself smaller so as not to offend others.
There’s a complicated conversation to be had around pride.
There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments. The problem is when pride takes the driver’s seat and becomes a weapon to make other people feel smaller.
However, just taking up space or having someone acknowledge something you did is not the same thing as having excessive pride.
You don’t need to shrink yourself to make others feel better. Their insecurity is not your problem.
Secure people don’t feel threatened because other people are good at things or have things they don’t. They understand that everyone is different, and we all have different accomplishments.
7. Pretending something didn’t bother you when it did.
Someone says something offensive, and it upsets you, but you decide not to bring it up because you don’t want to upset them.
That’s a problem.
Your comfort matters, too. Other people should not be in a position where they can freely hurt your feelings without push-back.
Sometimes, a person needs to be reminded that they are in mixed company and that they need to tone it down. I am one of those people.
As one of those people, if I am offending someone, it’s not my intention. And if someone tells me they’re offended, I will tone it down so they don’t feel uncomfortable or put out.
Just because I enjoy dark humor doesn’t mean I expect everyone else in the world to be okay with it. You should expect that consideration from other people, too.
8. Not asking for favors or help.
Some people avoid asking for favors or help because they’ve been conditioned to believe they aren’t worth the effort.
That often comes from a place of deep hurt, a deep wound where the person was neglected or dismissed by people who should have been there for them.
If this is you, you may perceive not asking for help as a good thing. You may pride yourself on your hyperindependence, or not believe you are worthy of taking up space.
But what you may not realize is that reasonable people are going to want to help you. They’re going to want to be there for you when you do have needs, particularly if you are always helping them.
That’s how healthy relationships function, so if they’re a healthy person, why wouldn’t they want that? And why wouldn’t you?
9. Changing your personality depending on who you’re with.
The people-pleaser may change their personality to be more acceptable to whichever group they are interacting with.
They may have multiple friend groups that don’t intersect, and they are different with each group.
And that is an unfortunate thing because the people-pleaser is denying themselves the opportunity of forming relationships where they are truly valued for who they are.
It can cause a person to feel disconnected from themselves. It may even cause them to feel lonely and isolated even when surrounded by people because they aren’t being true to themselves.
Everyone needs to learn to be okay with not being liked. You don’t like everyone, and not everyone is going to like you – and that’s okay!
Final thoughts…
People-pleasers tend to view their people-pleasing as a good thing. They interpret it as being helpful and unobtrusive.
And those things are ok, so long as they don’t come at the expense of your own needs.
What you need to understand is that the people who genuinely care about you won’t mind that you have needs. They know that you do, and they will want to support you in whatever ways make sense for them.
The side effects of people-pleasing can harm your mental health, fueling depression and anxiety as you worry about upsetting others.
At some point, you just have to understand that other people’s emotions aren’t your responsibility. You are allowed to take up space just as much as everyone else.
