Are you a humble person? It’s a fine quality to have when you don’t think you’re better than anyone else. Life is hard enough as it is, and we don’t need to engage in pointless competitions of dominance. Right? It can feel natural to embrace humility as a way to keep the peace and not rock the boat.
But then you have people with mental health issues, like social anxiety, who use humility to avoid the spotlight at all. That’s actually a bigger problem than you may realize, because it can cost you valuable opportunities and respect that you’re due.
The following are behaviors that some see as humility, but are actually self-sabotage.
1. Apologizing for things that aren’t mistakes.
Some people have been conditioned to apologize when anything goes wrong. They aim to create peace, and they’re proactively willing to admit that a bad situation might have been their fault. This trauma-driven behavior doesn’t communicate humility; it communicates insecurity.
Every apology that you make for something that isn’t your fault undermines your credibility, because it’s not honest. Then, when you do something that actually does require you to apologize for it, your word means less because you’ve watered it down so much. Plus, it’s doormat behavior, and doormats get walked all over.
2. Making yourself smaller to make other people feel more comfortable.
Far too many people dim their light because it can attract unwanted attention. That’s because people who are authentic and comfortable with themselves can inadvertently cause the insecure to feel uncomfortable. However, as with all things in life, there’s a balance to it. As Psychology Today shares, there is a difference between authenticity and obnoxiousness.
Still, you can’t let other people dictate how you express yourself and move through the world. It’s okay if some people don’t like you or think you’re too much. What many people don’t understand is that living in your authenticity is like being a lighthouse in a dark night. Your people will see you, including those who are brave enough to stand out as well.
It’s okay if you make some people uncomfortable. If you do, they were never your people to begin with.
3. Avoiding leadership because you don’t want to impose yourself on other people.
There’s an old adage that the best leaders are often the people who don’t want to be leaders. They feel reluctant to step out in front, impose their views, and guide people. However, if you want to get anywhere, sometimes you need to be willing to lead. Opportunity will pass you by if you don’t seize it when it floats past you.
A void in leadership is an opportunity to step up, expand your skill set, and make a difference. There may be no one better qualified than you, with your experiences and mindset, to make a difference. Plus, if that void exists, someone is going to step into it one way or another. And, if it helps, most people prefer to be followers, anyway. It’s much less stress and decision-making.
4. Being too agreeable to give the impression of being easy-going.
Agreeability is seen as a desirable trait to people who don’t want to rock the boat. They see being easy-going as a way to not be disruptive or call attention to themselves. As Dr. Max Albarhasky writes, the problem is that too much agreeability is not a respectable trait, and it’s not a desirable trait for any kind of leadership. Even seemingly positive traits can become toxic in excess.
People make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes must be pointed out. As someone who often finds himself in leadership positions, I consider the disagreeable people to be more trustworthy and respectable because they help me see the whole picture. If I’m making a mistake, and you see that I’m making a mistake but you just go along with it to try to curry favor, you’re telling me that I can’t trust you because you’re not being honest.
On the other hand, if you were to say, “Hey, I think this is a mistake, and here’s why…” I’m going to look more favorably on you than a yes-person. Granted, a lot of leaders aren’t good leaders, and they have ego problems. But for those who don’t? They look at the people who disagree as a valuable, respectable asset and someone they can be more likely to trust with bigger opportunities.
5. Undermining yourself by over-explaining your opinions.
Confidence is something that we project through our actions, body language, and choice of words. So, when you say things like, “I could be wrong, but…” or “But that’s just my opinion,” you’re also expressing a lack of confidence in yourself. It says that you’re not confident in your opinion, and that your words can be treated as optional because they may not be right.
Any reasonable person is going to already understand that there is a chance that you’ll be wrong. That’s just a natural part of humanity. Sometimes, we’re wrong. The best of us can admit when we’re wrong, take in new information, learn from it, and make better decisions in the future.
However, in the meantime, you don’t want to undermine your own credibility with excessive explanations. You want to be confident that you’re providing the best information that you can. It’s okay to use qualifiers once in a while, if you’re not sure, but keep them to the times when you’re not actually sure. If you know something for certain, then assert it as though you know it’s certain.
6. Letting other people take credit for your work.
It’s not an act of humility or self-love to be self-effacing or to let other people take credit for your work. In fact, it undermines your work and credibility, particularly in an environment where decision-makers may not be able to see the whole picture. There are times in life when you need to be your own biggest cheerleader.
A healthy amount of self-awareness and acceptance means you can acknowledge that you can do good things, too. For example, as a team leader in the past, I would regularly give all the credit to the team and say, “They are the ones who are really responsible because they did the work.” And while that is true, it’s only part of the truth.
As a leader, it was my responsibility to support my subordinates and remove obstacles between them and success. Even though I didn’t do the grunt work, I still deserve to stand in the spotlight behind them because I did put in work behind the scenes to advocate for resources, problem-solve, or keep the team focused.
7. Downplaying your achievements without anyone asking you to.
“Oh, I accomplished this, but it’s no big deal! I just kinda wanted to share that. That’s all.” Humble bragging and false modesty are not humility. You’re allowed to have achievements, and you’re allowed to be proud of what you’ve achieved. It’s not ego to say, “I did a good job” when you did a good job. It’s just a statement of fact that can be backed up with evidence.
Downplaying your achievements communicates insecurity. People notice, but they think you’re insecure, so they will either try to reassure you, or they won’t bring it up at all, so that you aren’t uncomfortable. Either way, it’s not the kind of behavior that inspires respect and opens doors. Instead, it’s the kind of behavior that tells other people, “I’m going to need to manage this person’s emotions because they aren’t confident in themselves.”
8. Deflecting praise instead of accepting it with grace.
I get it. Praise makes you uncomfortable. Someone tells you, “Hey, good job!” and the anxiety wells up, you stammer out an “Oh, it’s not that big of a deal,” or maybe you completely deflect by turning it back on the other person. You think, “Oh, this person gave me a compliment, I need to give them a compliment back to balance the scales and ease my own discomfort.”
Stop doing that. All you need to accept a compliment with grace is to say, “Thank you. I appreciate that so much!” with a smile. Boom. Done. Problem solved.
Deflection and redirection loudly communicate insecurity and anxiety, not humility. Most other people won’t call you out on it, because most people aren’t cruel or trying to make you feel uncomfortable. But they will quietly wonder if you have enough confidence to handle more responsibility should an opportunity come up that they have for you.
A final word…
There’s nothing wrong with having self-confidence or taking credit for your own work. Self-confidence becomes arrogance when you’re elevating yourself at the expense of others or taking credit for others’ work. There’s a difference between saying, “Yes, I did a good job!” and saying, “I’m better than you at this.” The former is self-confidence, the latter is arrogance.
It’s important to own your actions, both good and bad, because no one is just one or the other. That’s what garners respect. That’s what opens doors to new opportunities.
