The words “I’m fine” can simultaneously say so much, without saying anything at all.
As someone who has lived with chronic bipolar depression for over 30 years, I know this all too well.
I answer “I’m fine” to just about any questions on how I’m doing, simply out of habit. I spent a long time in that hole, and I didn’t want to talk about it. Because, contrary to popular belief, talking about it rarely helped.
If I had talked about it, all it would do is bum you out, make you feel bad that you couldn’t help, and then I’d have to deal with that too.
Still, I know now that sometimes you do have to try to get past that reflexive answer because it can hide pain that needs to be addressed. So how exactly do you do that when you’re on the receiving end?
1. Don’t ask “are you okay?” because it’s easy to deflect.
Questions like this will almost always get you a polite answer, like “I’m fine”, or a deflection, like “Yeah, I’m doing fine. How about you?” And then the conversation has been redirected to focusing on what’s going on with you and in your life.
If you’re not aware of this tactic, then it’s an easy trap to fall into because most people are happy to slide right into talking about themselves.
Instead, what you want to do is make specific statements about your observations of that person. For example, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter and more withdrawn lately. Anything going on? I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
Focus on the behavior rather than what you think might actually be going on. It’s very easy to raise someone’s defenses by making assumptions about their life. So stick to what is directly observable, i.e., what you see in their behavior.
2. Let them know they don’t need to talk right now.
As I mentioned, “I’m fine” is often a reflexive reply for those of us who are trying to hide our troubles.
I’ve had occasions in my life where I did actually want to talk about a problem, but someone caught me completely off-guard. I was surprised, so I replied with, “I’m fine” because that was the safest answer at the time to keep myself balanced on the ledge I had been standing on.
Instead, a better approach is to make your observation clear, ask if they want to talk, and leave it to them.
If they decline, or they seem hesitant, just offer a smile and say, “Hey, you don’t need to talk right now if you don’t want to” and let them know it’s an open offer if and when they are ready or want to.
Sometimes we need a little time to gather our thoughts and decipher our feelings so that we can express them to another person.
3. Avoid demanding explanations from them.
Sometimes a person is going through something so difficult that they don’t want to talk about the actual event that is bothering them.
Trauma and mental illness contain a lot of ugly, ugly parts of humanity. This person may be willing to talk about the emotions that they’re feeling so that they can receive emotional support, but they may not want to talk about specifics. That’s totally normal.
I know I’ve had problems in my previous relationships and with my family because of this.
Yes, I feel miserable, isolated, and alone, and my brain is staring into the abyss once again. But no, I didn’t want to talk about the suicidal thoughts or attempts I had with my family.
I didn’t see a reason why I should worry them, nor did I think they could provide meaningful help. I kept that for my therapist, and that’s ok.
Don’t push for an explanation.
4. Instead of sitting down for a conversation, do an activity together.
Sometimes a person who is struggling but not admitting it just needs a chance to warm up and get comfortable with the situation. One way you can do that is by doing a low-stress activity with them.
Just being around them can help grease the wheels a bit, creating a more comfortable and easy-going atmosphere for them to open up in.
Personally, I’ve used this strategy several times, and it is surprisingly effective. I would broach the subject, they would decline, then I would do something like help them with some chores or invite them to play a game.
What often occurred is that they would take some time to think while we were doing whatever activity, and then they’d start talking out of the blue.
I find that many people really underestimate the power of presence. Just being around can open the doors of conversation that would otherwise remain closed.
5. Accept their silence without withdrawing your offer of support.
It can take time for someone to warm up to talking about what’s going on in their life. They may need some additional time to process and make sense of it themselves before sharing.
And if they’re someone who has been hurt before by being vulnerable, they may not immediately feel safe to open up to you. Don’t take it personally.
And for the love of God, don’t do like an ex of mine did and stand in the doorway, cry-yelling and demanding that I open up to her. Yes, we were dating, but she was not entitled to my pain simply because of that.
Instead of creating an atmosphere of support, she basically reinforced that I was never going to tell her anything of importance. It was not a good or healthy situation for either of us.
So show them that you are a safe person. Leave the door open for them to talk when they’re ready. Don’t block the door by standing in front of it, making demands.
6. Keep showing up consistently.
I think one of the hardest situations that many people who are experiencing mental health struggles experience is the loss of people.
Everyone is really kind and understanding about mental illness until your actions offend them. Then, their kindness comes with conditions that require you to act a certain way.
But life and the effects it has on people aren’t always pretty. People going through hard times can do unkind things. And when that happens, a lot of people pull away.
Does that mean that you should accept abuse? No. Absolutely not. There is a line, and you need to decide and act when that line is crossed.
What I’m saying is that many people are fickle, and even the slightest bad action can turn off so-called “kind” people.
As a result, people like myself learn to screen and limit who we let into our most sensitive struggles. After a while, we learn that “I’ll always be there for you” comes with a whole load of conditions.
To get past that hurdle, just keep showing up consistently, even if they aren’t the most fun to be around right now. Keep being present with them, talk with them, exchange messages, or reach out once a week if they aren’t responding.
Sometimes, depression and struggles can get so loud that you can’t even manage the energy to be social.
7. Consider encouraging them to seek professional help.
That person may not be opening up to you because they don’t feel it’s safe. They may have been betrayed in the past, where they confided in someone and it was used against them.
I’ve personally had this happen to me multiple times in relationships during fights or as the relationship was ending. I still give the benefit of the doubt, because it’s not fair for me to punish a new partner for the sins of others, but it’s still hard and heartbreaking.
As such, a better approach may be something like, “It’s okay, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it with me. But would you consider talking about it with a professional? They are bound by strict rules to protect what you tell them, and they’re also qualified to help you process and find a solution.”
Closing thoughts…
Sometimes, people just need to get a bit more familiar with how a person handles sensitive subjects before they’ll open up. Other times, they may be dealing with chronic problems that they’re tired of talking about.
But even if they don’t want to open up to you, encouraging them in the direction of a mental health professional may be your best option.
Still, even if they won’t open up and talk, just try to be present for them. You may find that one day they decide that they’re finally ready. But try not to take it personally if they don’t want to talk. That decision is rarely about you, and I can tell you that from far too many personal experiences.
