I really like it when people talk to me like they’re the human version of a warm blanket on a cold night, and not the draught I dread. But we’re all different, aren’t we?
We all communicate in different ways, and that’s why it can be difficult to understand when someone’s words feel warm, but their behavior feels cold.
It’s straightforward when both align, but when they don’t, you may wonder why there is a disconnect there. And interestingly, it’s not always what you think.
Often, it boils down to one or more of these seven things that explain why a person’s warmth can sometimes feel chilly.
7 reasons a person’s warm words may not match their cool tone:
1. They are experiencing and feeling affection, but they don’t show it the same way you do.
I know somebody whose face will never look any different, whether they’re at a funeral, or a concert, or eating out at dinner, or watching their favorite sport on TV.
Quite often, I might say, “Is everything okay?” because I struggle with the sameness of their facial expressions. That’s down to my own expectations of how someone “should” act, because I am someone who has a thousand different faces that I express on any given day.
It can be so easy to feel a disconnect with someone who you don’t quite align with in that way, but understanding communication differences can go a long way to bridging that gap.
Often it’s a case of neurodivergence, such as autism, but things like trauma, mental or physical health conditions, and even some medications can affect how expressive our faces are.
That’s not wrong, and it doesn’t mean the words being spoken aren’t genuine. It’s just who we are as people; all of us different.
We all matter, and understanding the why behind our differences can often be the key to accepting them in ourselves and others.
2. They’re saying what they think you want to hear because they don’t want to hurt you.
You spoke to a friend, asked for advice, told them how life is for you right now, and they say the right things back to you, but they’re shifting in their seat, seemingly uncomfortable with the whole exchange.
There’s a disconnect between you, and it might be that they’re holding back on replying because it’d mean causing you pain.
Maybe you’re in denial about a relationship. Perhaps you’re hoping you get a job at their workplace that they know you aren’t really qualified for.
Before you is a person who cares about you, and they know their response – if they were to be honest – would ruin your day.
Admittedly, I’ve been here before, and I’ve tried to say the “right” thing to a friend or relative, but in doing so, I’ve come across as quite cold.
That’s because I am lacking the conviction behind my words. Don’t mistake that for malicious deception, though. I’m trying hard to offer them something comforting, but my behavior is giving “Man, it’s cold in here” vibes.
People do this because they’re looking for ways to keep the relationship comfortable. They don’t want to say what they really think because they’re afraid it will result in some kind of conflict or hurt feelings.
The disconnect can be so real here, but there is usually no malice behind it; just a person who is trying to be diplomatic and do what they think is right in that moment.
3. They’re overwhelmed about something you have no idea exists.
“I’m here, but my mind is a million miles away.”
That’s often the kind of thought that drives cold behaviors, even though their words are kind. They’re saying all the right things, but they’re not present.
“Yeah, sure, just get another job.” “Yep. Sounds like you might need to rethink your relationship.”
You give that blank stare back. Those are the things you need to do, but why does the person saying them sound like a home entertainment device rather than a human?
It’s because they’re completely overwhelmed, and they haven’t told you. Something big is rumbling the foundations of their life, so they’re juggling being there for you and dealing with that.
They come across as detached because they are. But it’s not because they don’t care; it’s because they’re running on empty.
4. They care, but struggle to know how to express it.
We can all agree that when it comes to our behavior and how we express it, we want to do the right thing, right?
It’s not always that straightforward, though, especially if you struggle to express how you feel.
You may be someone who was never given the opportunities to explore emotions growing up, or had them shut down or dismissed. Or perhaps you’re someone with alexithymia who struggles to identify, understand, and describe their emotions, common in autism and those with a trauma history.
Whatever the reason, one thing is for sure: it can be as frustrating being that person as it is for the person on the receiving end who senses the disconnect.
No one wants to be misunderstood, not least of all someone who has already spent a great deal of their life being taken the wrong way. Experiencing emotions differently is not a defect, even if it causes you difficulty. It’s diversity.
The more we talk about that, the more we can support those who experience it.
5. They struggle to separate caring from carrying and are trying to create emotional distance as a result.
A lot of people confuse caring with carrying. You support someone you care about, then rather than letting it go, you spend days worrying about the advice you gave and feeling responsible for the outcome.
If you carry that weight and feel distressed or unsettled by it, the problem has extended from the other person to you, too.
That sort of empathy can make some people keep a distinct distance from those who might need a friend. They might say all the right things, but make a concerted effort to keep an emotional distance through fear of their concern becoming responsibility.
In other words, “I care, but I care from here, and I won’t move an inch closer.”
It feels a little cold just reading it, doesn’t it? But they have their reasons.
6. They like the idea of closeness in theory, but not reality.
Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style are very good at letting you be around them, but not letting you in, often known as “proximity without intimacy.”
They tend not to like getting too close, and if things become serious, they will look for the first figurative (or literal) door out of there.
This type of behavior isn’t just reserved for romantic relationships. It can also be in friendship dynamics, or even with relatives.
In theory, these kinds of people want the closeness and companionship, but when given half a chance to actually have it, they decline.
That might look like someone skirting around you when you need them, offering the right words but never really giving the warmth because they fear the emotional intimacy that comes with it.
7. They want to be seen as caring, without offering any actual care.
We all know someone who prefers to be seen to be caring, rather than actually being caring, don’t we?
I know a few!
It’s all about image for them. They want to be able to say, “I was there when I was needed the most,” without actually doing anything while they were there.
These people can truly say all the right things while displaying the opposite behavior. That’s because they’d actually rather be anywhere else, but doing so wouldn’t score any points for their image.
Don’t make the mistake of relying on these people. Actions really do speak louder than words when it comes to offering support and following through on it. It’s a case of, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
Final thoughts…
Our words and deeds should match, especially if we’re trying to be there for someone or show them that we care. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that means our words and body language need to match.
There are countless reasons why those two things may not align, and, like any aspect of life, it can be more complex than you think. It’s all part of the wonderful diversity of life.
Be open to different people’s ways of communicating and don’t always assume people do things the same way as you.
So long as they are following through on their words by doing what they say they will, or being there for you in their own way, you can rest assured that their warm words are genuine.
