Most of us will experience situations in which we aren’t particularly fond of the person we see in the mirror. Life is complex, and there are many reasons we make choices we’re not proud of.
These may involve taking part in things we don’t feel right about for the sake of avoiding ostracization, doing things we regret whilst overwhelmed or under the influence, or moments in which we’re trying to figure out who we really are in the face of overwhelming social pressures.
But this doesn’t mean we are terrible humans. The journey to becoming the best versions of ourselves is rarely smooth. Instead, it will probably be paved with at least some of the following internal struggles.
7 internal battles you’ll face on the way to becoming someone you’re proud of:
1. Coming to terms with difficult choices you had to make in the past and still feel uneasy about.
It’s highly unlikely that anyone has gone through their entire life without making a choice that weighed heavily on them or wishing something could have unfolded differently.
We all hurt people accidentally, and occasionally do things we aren’t happy about, particularly when times are desperate or when we don’t know any better.
For example, a friend of mine had been unemployed for a couple of years, and the only job he was able to take was as an online AI trainer. He’s opposed to generative AI, and as such, felt immense internal conflict about working for an AI company, but at the time he couldn’t get anything else.
The same could be said for any difficult choice you’ve had to make, for example, moving far away from aging parents for the sake of your own family’s future or choosing one child’s needs over another’s in a moment when everyone needed you at once.
We will often find ourselves in positions where we have to choose the lesser of two evils, and there’s no “good” choice on the table; this is where personal forgiveness comes into play.
The internal struggle here is in recognizing that making a difficult choice that you still feel uneasy about doesn’t make you a “bad” person. You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and resources available to you.
The key is to move on from the past, make the best choices possible in the future, and take whatever actions you can to make up for perceived shortcomings.
2. Going against the grain of what you’ve always known.
One of the most difficult things to do in life is to be your own person in the face of everything you’ve been taught by those around you.
Sometimes that means questioning the values, expectations, or traditions that have been handed down to you. It can be deeply confusing when you realize that the beliefs and virtues your parents or carers tried to instill in you aren’t necessarily what you want for yourself.
These are the individuals who created you, raised you, and helped shape your earliest beliefs about life. They love you, and you love them. But you are your own person.
If you’ve found yourself in this position, you may struggle to find the middle ground between living a life that’s true to you and your own ethics, and showing love, support, and respect to the people you care about deeply.
In an ideal scenario, you’ll be able to agree to disagree, but in some cases, the conflict runs deeper, and you may find yourself forced into a position where you need to choose between your family and your own beliefs and ethics.
3. Learning how to regulate your emotions, particularly when others can’t regulate theirs.
It’s very easy to break and destroy things, but it takes significant effort to build and repair something. Compassion, kindness, and patience require tremendous effort as well as dedication.
Dealing with small children who are having meltdowns or grown adults who are being seemingly difficult is a good example.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to yell back at someone, but the impact can be long-lasting and significant for both parties, and with those you love, rapport and trust that have taken years to cultivate can be destroyed in moments.
In contrast, it requires a lot of effort, practice, and skill to remain calm and supportive in these situations. Those acts require tiny, controlled behaviors as well as the ability to resist reacting impulsively, which can take immense effort to cultivate. And this is particularly true if you are someone who already struggles with emotion regulation yourself.
While it’s rarely easy, learning emotional regulation is one of the most powerful ways to become the kind of person you want to be.
4. Being true to yourself rather than following orders.
“I was just following orders” is a justification that many people have used to explain behaviors they weren’t proud of.
This doesn’t just refer to obeying military commands, of course. It can also include remaining silent when someone in a position of authority or status (which can include an adult child-parent dynamic) shuts down a conversation you feel needs to be had, or being told to do things at work that you find unethical.
It comes back to those difficult choices we talked about in point 1. Quite often, we have to choose between doing what we feel is right or compromising our values for the sake of remaining employed, and by extension housed and fed. This becomes a particularly difficult choice when we have others who depend on us.
If we can find a middle ground, great, but that isn’t always an option. The internal struggle here has to do with the courage of our convictions, and weighing those convictions up against the realities and consequences that come with defending them.
5. Sacrificing comfort in service of what matters most.
There comes a time in most people’s lives when they need to choose between their own immediate comfort and acting in accordance with something they value deeply.
For some, it’s when they become a parent and place their child’s happiness and well-being over their own. For others, it may be a cause that they feel drawn to pour their time and energy into.
But it’s not always about self-sacrifice. In fact, sometimes, it may mean the opposite: making difficult decisions that disappoint other people in order to protect your own well-being.
Either way, people who want to become better versions of themselves will inevitably get to a point where they feel an intense desire to make changes, and those changes will usually involve sacrifice.
They’ll suddenly find themselves on a threshold where they need to decide what matters most to them and what they’re willing to give up in service of it.
6. Learning to follow through on your own commitments when nobody is making you.
Generally speaking, people thrive with routines and structures, and when we are younger, these are handed to us. Our lives revolved around the schedules that our parents and teachers made for us.
As we become adults, though we may have assigned hours, tasks, and deadlines at work, we have to rely more on ourselves to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.
Yet learning how to consistently follow through is something that many struggle with, and it can be particularly difficult if you experience executive dysfunction. The result is that goals, household tasks, health, and other adult responsibilities can all fall by the wayside or spiral out of control.
Alternatively, some people rely heavily on external accountability from partners or family, then become frustrated by the restrictions it creates. As you can imagine, this often erodes personal relationships significantly.
Instead, the key is to set attainable personal goals and find strategies that work for you to help keep you on track (modern technology, labelled alarms, Post-it notes, etc. can be great for this). By introducing strategies that add structure, reminders, and routine to help you follow through on your commitments, you can gain much more trust in yourself and your capabilities, and you experience a great deal of personal satisfaction, too.
7. Getting comfortable with making mistakes for the sake of personal development.
Perfectionism can be paralyzing to a lot of people, preventing them from doing things that truly matter because they’re terrified of making a mistake.
Their fears of being judged poorly by others, or even of being rejected and abandoned if they’re anything but perfect, can stop them from pursuing things that may bring them an immense amount of joy.
As such, it can be a tremendous struggle to overcome the need to be “perfect” and instead accept doing the best they can, as a wonderful, flawed human being just like everyone else.
I hope to reach this point eventually, but I anticipate that letting go of perfectionism and being proud of myself despite my perceived flaws will be a lifelong learning process. At least every day is an opportunity to improve, right?
Final thoughts…
When we do something we aren’t particularly proud of, whether it’s a questionable action or mediocre attempt at an endeavor, we often know that we’ve fallen short of our own standards.
There’s that sinking feeling in our bellies and an immediate sense of disappointment in ourselves. Each time that happens, it’s a cue not to beat ourselves up but to try a different approach. It’s an opportunity to be better, greater, kinder, more patient, more diligent, and so on.
In time, by making choices that align with our values when we can, forgiving ourselves when we can’t, and overcoming the inner struggle that comes with this balance, we can eventually become the best version of ourselves possible.
