Personal growth is a quiet endeavor. It often happens behind closed doors, in a therapist’s office, or in the privacy of your own mind.
It’s so quiet that other people may not even pick up on the fact that you’re changing until you start surprising yourself with your responses.
As such, you’ll know you’re growing in the right direction when you start seeing signs like these.
When you are growing as a person, you’ll see these internal changes before anything else:
1. You start catching yourself before you react.
There is power in the pause – the pause being the moment between action and reaction.
I know this from experience because I was someone who struggled with anger issues for a long time because of my bipolar depression.
One of the biggest upgrades for my mental health was unshackling my reactions from my actions. I learned that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean I need to act a certain way.
For example, one day, I went outside, and I had a flat tire. Years before, when I was at my worst, it would have elicited rage.
I very well would have done something like kick the wheel a few times, possibly hurting myself in the process.
But this time, I just looked at it, thought, “Oh, my tire is flat.” I felt a brief surge of anger and frustration before it just passed by, like dust on the wind, and then I set about changing my tire instead of ruining my entire day with my bad attitude.
That was a real moment of awareness that I was heading in the right direction, mentally speaking.
2. You stop seeking as much external validation.
Everyone likes to feel good about themselves, but some people seek that feeling from an unhealthy place.
A person who is driven by external validation to fuel their self-worth needs to hear other people tell them that they’re good.
But that isn’t a good way to live because it puts your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem in the hands of other people. And the reality is that other people aren’t likely to praise you if you aren’t doing what they want.
On the other hand, people who validate themselves internally know they are good and valuable whether other people like it or not. They know that they are inherently valuable, just because they are a human being who deserves respect.
When you start to think like that, it’s a good indicator of your personal growth.
3. You start becoming more comfortable disappointing people.
As you grow and you work on your boundaries, you will find that you start disappointing people.
Some people may respond with anger, sadness, or manipulation because you’ve stopped putting their needs first. Some will adjust to this new reality as they come to better understand your boundaries. And others will express their disappointment or drop off.
What you’ll learn as you grow in the right direction is that it’s okay to disappoint people. It’s not your responsibility to carry the load for everyone else.
As you get healthier, you’ll start gaining greater discernment about who you should and should not give your energy to.
4. You’re able to tolerate discomfort better.
As someone who was mentally unhealthy for a long time, I can tell you that it leaves you sensitive and vulnerable to when things don’t go as planned.
Small problems become much bigger problems because your brain is under so much stress that it can’t regulate appropriately.
But as I started getting better and advancing on my healing journey, I found that my mind became more and more peaceful.
Discomfort didn’t cause nearly the same kind of reaction in me that it once did. Instead, I came to view it all as temporary, something to get through and move on from.
Why should I let my peace of mind be disturbed by events outside of my control? All I had to do was get through them and move forward.
5. You start being more selective about who you spend your time with.
Not everyone deserves your time and attention.
As I healed, I found that I didn’t want to be around the people I had surrounded myself with when I was at my worst.
Many of them were chaotic people with their own struggles, and I respect that. It’s not easy to heal. Not everyone has access to the same services or capabilities.
However, it became less and less okay for other people to drag their chaos into my life.
I wanted peace, so I started devoting more time to the people who brought that peace or who led quiet lives.
I think that’s a hard road for some to walk. They realize they are outgrowing their old social groups, and they want to hang onto them because it’s familiar. But I learned that if I wanted to grow in the right direction, I had to make room for the right people.
6. You stop needing as much closure.
I’m at a point in my life where I don’t really even care about closure anymore.
I know it’s a big deal to a lot of people, but I find that it’s unnecessary most of the time.
Why do I find it unnecessary? Well, because I can’t control other people. I can only control my response to what happens.
I don’t want to surrender control of my mental and emotional state to anyone else, so I don’t give it to them.
And you may be thinking, “What if someone does you wrong?”
They have, and they do. People are people, and some of them do wrong things.
Before, I might have taken it personally, but now I just see those people as unfortunate to have made such a decision. If they do me wrong and they can’t see or acknowledge that, then our time together is over, and I move on. I don’t lose sleep over it.
7. You become less judgmental of yourself when you’re struggling.
In the past, I was always my own worst critic. I tore myself down for not being able to handle my mental health issues because I was immersed in toxic masculinity.
I felt that as a man, I should be able to handle what goes on in my head and solve my own problems. I didn’t realize I needed help from people who knew different things than me, because I was too trapped in my own pride and ego.
I wasted so much time – years of my life – being stubborn and prideful.
Now? Not so much.
Now, I offer myself self-compassion, and I don’t hesitate to ask for help from other people when I’m struggling.
I know that I don’t have to conquer my mind alone. Whether that means reaching out to a friend or visiting a counselor, I see it as a far more effective way to reach a positive resolution.
If you’re moving in the right direction, you’ll likely have realized this too.
8. You stop explaining yourself as much.
As I’ve gotten older and made progress on my own journey, I’ve stopped feeling the need to explain myself as much.
Do I sometimes? Certainly, because communication is necessary in healthy relationships. But with people that I’m not in close friendships or relationships with, I rarely ever do it.
I just give them my answer, and I move on.
In many cases, people only want an explanation because they are trying to find a way to test your boundaries. They want to hear the reasoning because the reasoning implies that your boundary is up for debate.
As such, it’s a good sign of your growth when you no longer feel the need to justify yourself to others’ satisfaction. You no longer make the mistake of thinking that other people will see and agree with your reasoning, particularly if they aren’t a healthy person themselves.
9. You start understanding that progress may not be obvious.
I used to worry that things like psych medications and therapy would turn me into someone I was not. What I did not understand at the time was that I did not even know who I was because my mental illness had turned me into someone I was not.
What medication, therapy, and self-improvement actually did for me was allow me to meet the man who already existed beneath the trauma and mental illness.
I was making progress, but I wasn’t changing in fundamental ways. Instead, I found that I was less controlled by my unhealthy patterns and emotions. That allowed me to grow and change because I wasn’t drowning as much in my issues.
Likewise, you may notice that your progress is subtle. You’re not changing into someone entirely new; you’re just becoming a better version of yourself.
Closing thoughts…
Progress doesn’t always look like progress, and it’s not always obvious. Other people may or may not be able to see it.
I’ve had other people notice things like how much calmer and more peaceful I am compared to how I used to be. But that barely scratches the surface of what I’ve been able to notice internally and in my private life.
Other people may not see your progress at all, and that’s okay. So long as you can see that you are growing, you’re moving in the right direction.
