If you struggle with your sense of self-worth, you may have had a near-constant negative stream of consciousness for years.
It’s that little voice in your head that tells you that you aren’t smart enough, attractive enough, capable enough, or simply not enough in general, no matter what you do.
You might feel pretty alone, but you aren’t the only person who feels this way — not by a long shot! In fact, people who have low self-esteem often share the struggles mentioned below.
1. Perpetually comparing yourself to others.
Comparison is the thief of joy, as the saying goes, yet it’s the baseline standard for people who never feel “enough” in other people’s eyes.
No matter how well they do or what they achieve, they’ll measure themselves against someone else who they perceive to be better than they are, and therefore more valuable in others’ eyes.
If they achieve a goal that’s important to them, instead of feeling proud, they’ll criticize themselves for not achieving it when they were younger, like a friend of theirs did.
Or if they reached a fitness goal they’d been striving towards, they might berate themselves for still not looking the way their favorite social media influencer does.
If you fall into this category, it’s likely you never feel satisfied or happy in your own skin, because you’re perpetually comparing yourself to everyone around you.
2. Perfectionist inclinations.
When a person is a perfectionist, they generally feel like nothing they do is ever good enough.
Even though others may think what they’ve done is one of the most amazing things they’ve ever seen, all they can focus on are the flaws that they see in it.
I have my own example of this. In my third year of University, I submitted a paper that I had worked on for several weeks.
I earned top marks for it, and my professor couldn’t stop singing its praises. In fact, she asked if she could use it as an example for future students to refer to.
And all I could think about was how I had used the same adjective twice in a paragraph on page 17, and how stupid I felt for having done so.
If you’ve never felt like you’re enough, you’ll likely have your own version of this.
3. Overcompensating for perceived shortcomings with other types of excellence.
In the same way that a person who has a weakness in one of their senses may develop heightened ability in the others, someone who feels that they’re weak in one area will often do their best to excel in others.
They do this to overcompensate for their feelings of inferiority, and to put themselves in a position where they feel confident and powerful.
For example, an individual who has never felt particularly attractive to others may strive to cultivate wealth and status to counterbalance that feeling.
Alternatively, a person who wasn’t particularly good at athletic pursuits in their youth, and felt less than because of it, might have chosen a path of academic overachievement instead.
4. Centering others over yourself.
This is essentially a case of showing others how much you can do for them to make yourself seem invaluable, because you don’t feel that you’re enough just being yourself.
And as a result, you might have spent most of your life prioritizing those around you instead of taking care of your own needs.
If you don’t feel that you have value in other people’s eyes unless they’re benefiting directly from your presence and your labor, you run the very real risk of burning yourself out. In some circles, this is referred to as setting yourself on fire in order to keep others warm.
If this sounds familiar, check in with yourself to see if you’re suffering from depletion or downright burnout in your zeal to prove your worth to those around you.
5. Insomnia from racing thoughts.
Most people who feel like they aren’t enough struggle with insomnia.
They often have racing thoughts after they settle into bed for the night and will mull over everything that happened that day.
They’re haunted by mistakes they might have made, as well as embarrassing things they might have accidentally said or done.
Furthermore, trying to force themselves to go to bed at a “proper hour” in order to get the right amount of sleep can actually prevent them from drifting off.
The frustration of not getting to sleep on time can keep them awake, prolonging and intensifying the insomnia.
Furthermore, if they have an important event or meeting the following day, their deep-seated fear of failure may keep them up all night, anxious and stressing over how things might unfold.
6. Constantly reinventing yourself to gain acceptance.
If you’ve never felt like you’re enough in other people’s eyes, you might have reinvented yourself several times over in order to feel appreciated and accepted by those in your sphere.
Some people, like certain celebrities, use this method consciously in order to remain relevant in the public eye. The “food source” they’re looking for is a material business model.
Those who do this do it in the microcosm do it for external validation instead, and often unconsciously.
They’re the ones who will adopt a new romantic partner’s fashion aesthetic or music choices, so they’ll have more value in their eyes. Or they will change jobs and residences regularly so they can shine in new environments.
Many who do this are career nomads because it’s easier to reinvent themselves with fresh groups of people.
As such, the person they were in Chicago will be very different from who they are in Dubai, Berlin, or Bali. Each new locale gives them the opportunity to step into a new persona.
7. Talking yourself out of things you really want.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone you were interested in was flirting with you, but you avoided them because you felt like there was no way they could sincerely want you?
Or you find a posting for the job of your dreams, but you don’t apply to it because you don’t feel like you’re good enough, smart enough, or capable enough for it?
Those who never feel like they’re enough tend to run away from things that may bring them joy because they don’t think they’re worthy of those things.
In their own minds, they wouldn’t want them if they were anyone else, and they mistakenly believe that others share that perspective as well.
8. Overextension in every aspect of your life.
If you’re like most people who don’t feel like they’re enough, you might have spent several years trying to be everything for everyone in every area of your life.
It’s possible that you’ve run yourself ragged doing things for others at home, work, with friends, and even your local community, going above and beyond to make them happy, but rarely putting any energy towards yourself.
Similarly, you may be so focused upon proving your value to other people that you refuse to give anything but 100 percent in anything you do.
People may even praise you for your work ethic, which only reinforces it further, since you crave that validation of your worth from others.
But eventually, pushing through your exhaustion stops working. The result will be severe burnout or illness if you’re constantly outputting — at work, at home, with your family and friends — and never taking the time to refill your own well.
Final thoughts…
All we can ever do is our best. If those around us don’t feel like that’s enough, then it’s a good idea to reevaluate their presence and position in our lives.
Alternatively, if those you love keep reassuring you that you’re wonderful, but you can’t accept that because you feel less than perfect, then it’s a good idea to unpack where that feeling came from.
If you have difficulty doing this on your own, a trained therapist may help you get to the bottom of your self-criticism and low self-esteem so you can work on valuing yourself as you deserve. And you do deserve it.
