There are several absolute truths in this world, such as 2 + 2 = 4, water freezing at 0 Celsius, and that humans need to breathe in order to live. In contrast, relative truths are personal perspectives and beliefs.
That said, you may have knowledge or skill that you know to be true, such as how tomatoes originated in South America, but someone else will assert that they’re from Italy and won’t be budged from that position. When that happens, here are some techniques for holding your truth without attacking or undermining anyone else’s truth in the process.
1. Use the “I understand your position” approach.
Taking this stance means that you’re essentially agreeing to disagree. When you use this approach, you take a look at what may have led them to their stance. For instance, if we use the tomato example above, we can understand that since tomatoes are cornerstones of Italian cuisine, this person may firmly believe that they’ve been eaten there for thousands of years instead of being introduced in the 16th century.
If you take a pedantic approach and try to browbeat them into accepting the actual truth of the matter, they’ll just dig their heels in and refuse. In contrast, you can circumvent their hostility by acknowledging that you can understand the logic and reason behind how they came to their conclusions. And then trade some tomato recipes to keep the peace.
2. Find common ground.
This one is particularly effective when discussing different spiritual beliefs with people. Something that many individuals don’t realize is that most faiths have several things in common. When you focus on that common ground, tensions tend to alleviate, and folks are more likely to be open to amicable discussion, rather than fighting over who’s right and who’s wrong.
Case in point: a couple of religious proselytizers came to my door one day, asking if I wanted to hear about the good news. I’m not of the same denomination as them, but I was polite and acknowledged that we were all on the same side, namely, doing all we can to make the world a better place through compassion, kindness, and acts of service towards others.
Basically, I placed emphasis on the core tenets that we shared, while agreeing to disagree on the condiments. We parted ways amicably, having found common ground rather than quibbling over the minutiae.
3. Ask questions that encourage them to explain why they think or feel the way they do.
If you find yourself at loggerheads with someone due to conflicting beliefs and personal truths, try asking questions rather than getting defensive or trying to reaffirm your truth as absolute truth. By asking them where they got their information and why they feel the way they do, you can get to the bottom of where their personal truth stems from.
Some questions that may help include:
“Can you help me understand how you came to this conclusion?”
“Did you read specific materials that informed this viewpoint?”
“What alternative explanations might also work in this situation?”
“If our roles were reversed, would you be able to accept this explanation as truth?”
Queries like these turn arguments into discussions and can open people up to peaceful conflict resolution as well as broadened personal views overall.
4. Thank them for their different perspective.
While you have the floor open for amicable discussion, encourage them to talk more about how they think and feel about the McGuffin in question. By doing so, you may discover that your own personally held truth has some gaps in its foundation. Alternatively, what they say may serve to reaffirm your views instead.
You don’t necessarily have to agree with what they’re saying, nor change your stance on anything. The goal here is mutual respect. Reassure them that you are not their adversary, moving the conversation from argument to gentle exchange.
By thanking them, you’re recognizing their existence as a sovereign being whose thoughts and emotions are valid, even if you fully disagree with them, or even think that they’re quite inane. As long as their views aren’t hurting anyone, they’re fully within their rights to think and feel as they will.
5. Explain how you learned (or were taught) something different so you can compare notes.
Sometimes, people hold to the “truths” they were raised with unquestioningly, rather than taking any action to learn otherwise. You’ll often find this in very sheltered religious communities around the world, but this strict adherence to what was taught isn’t limited to religion. It may encompass views on politics, environmentalism, human and animal rights, and so on.
As such, if a person expresses their truth and explains that it’s how they were raised/what they were taught, mention that you were raised differently, and offer to compare notes. A person who doesn’t feel threatened is naturally more open to discussion, and starting the conversation with the caveat that you were raised differently implies that you had similar experiences in your upbringing, even though the things you were taught weren’t the same.
6. Reaffirm that people can accept, respect, and support one another even if they believe or think differently.
Far too often, when people find that they believe differently from one another, they resort to personal, ad-hominem attacks instead of keeping the focus on the topic at hand. They’ll call each other stupid, tell them to go and educate themselves, mock physical features or disabilities, and so on. It’s as though they forget that people can still treat each other with respect and courtesy, and even support one another, even when they don’t feel exactly the same way about everything.
You may have heard the phrase “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” This phrase, written by Evelyn Beatrice Hally (writing as S.G. Tallentyre), encompassed Voltaire’s views about freedom of expression.
You can go a step beyond this and affirm that you can accept, respect, support, and protect a person who believes quite differently from you, because caring about someone isn’t dependent upon sharing all their beliefs and values. Ultimately, shared humanity is what unifies us all. Focus on that rather than the differences between you.
7. Let go of the desire to “win.”
One of the primary driving forces that leads to tension between people is one’s desire to “win” over the other. In their mind, their own viewpoints and fervently held beliefs will be proven correct if they can destabilize the other person’s by bludgeoning them with facts shared by “experts”, citing sacred texts, using force of numbers to bolster their position, and so on.
To them, proving that their perceived opponent is wrong is essentially proving themselves right. There’s no room for debate here, nor acknowledgement that the other person may have very valid points and beliefs: it’s entirely black-and-white thinking, with winning being the ultimate goal. If you let go of the need to “win,” you open yourself up to expanded perspectives about the world, and greater empathy for those who hold them.
8. Imagine how sad and boring life would be if we all felt or thought the same way.
People who have travelled to different countries know how rich and beautiful other cultures can be. There’s nothing quite like celebrating national or sacred holidays in the places where they originated, and witnessing firsthand how amazing it is that there are so many different beliefs, rituals, foods, songs, and dances around the world.
Life would be quite dismal and colorless without these differences. Furthermore, those of different cultures hold beliefs and perspectives that can broaden our own. It’s like shedding another light on something from a different direction: we’re suddenly able to perceive things that had previously been hidden. It’s literal enlightenment, and it goes a long way to allowing people their own truths without diminishing your own.
Final thoughts…
One quick glance through online forums reveals how often people decry viewpoints that are different from their own as hateful, phobic, or ignorant. Most individuals seek to silence those whose voices threaten to echo as loudly as theirs, or who challenge their sacred, long-held views. They can’t accept the fact that what’s true for them isn’t necessarily true for another.
It’s these rigid perspectives that have led to countless conflicts: between individuals as well as between nations. Two things can be true at the same time, and respecting different perspectives rather than attacking them is the best path to peace.
