There’s just something different about the way deeply unhappy people use certain phrases. None of these phrases is a problem on their own or if they’re used once in a while. However, when they are repeatedly used, it may point to that person being deeply unhappy or depressed.
As someone who’s been living with severe Bipolar Disorder (and therefore depression) for a long time, I am all too familiar with that mindset. Depression narrows your focus, minimizes the good, and keeps you locked in a perception of misery. It’s self-reinforcing that way, particularly during depressive spirals.
These phrases may be a good indicator that someone needs some additional help.
1. “What’s the point?”
I didn’t realize how much these three words communicated until I started finding my way out of the void of depression. Depression robs a person of the feel-good chemicals our bodies produce. It smothers joy, happiness, pride, accomplishment, and all of those other bright feelings. What it leaves behind is absolute nothingness. It’s like a black hole that devours everything with the slightest amount of light.
What many people don’t realize is how vital a role positive emotions play in life. Imagine if you did something challenging, worked hard at it, overcame obstacles, and had an excellent result. By all accounts, you would feel proud, happy, satisfied, and accomplished. Right?
But what happens if you can’t feel that way? What happens when you know that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you’ll always feel nothing after? There’s no motivation or desire. It’s just another rock to push up this hill alongside Sisyphus. Then life just becomes, “What’s the point?”
2. “I don’t care anymore.”
This phrase often communicates that this person cared a whole lot, for a long time, but has been repeatedly let down. Or a deeply unhappy person who doesn’t care anymore may simply not have the emotional bandwidth to actually care. Depression narrows that bandwidth more and more until there’s only a sliver of it left, and you no longer have the energy to care about what you used to.
In a healthy mind, your brain is replenishing the feel-good chemicals and getting periodic bumps from meeting goals, having experiences, and relationships. But in a deeply unhappy mind, your brain isn’t producing the feel-good chemicals like it’s supposed to be, so it’s constantly running out. Caring requires emotional energy, which is something you lack when you’re deep in the hole.
3. “Why does this always happen to me?”
A good indicator of someone who is caught in a deeply unhappy mindset is absolute language.
Why? Because depression limits your emotional range, which can cause a person to focus on their strongest negative experiences. That becomes a self-reinforcing, self-confirming cycle where bad things happen, your brain focuses on them and filters out the good, which then reinforces the belief that bad things always happen to you. So the thought becomes, ‘Why does this always happen to me?'”
The “always” in the statement is the important word, and it points to the cognitive bias of black-and-white thinking. It’s rare that anything always happens to anyone, and if it does genuinely always happen to you, then it might be because you’re unconsciously doing something wrong. For example, if you always end up in bad relationships, then it might be that you are repeating unhealthy patterns you learned in childhood, and that is something worth working through with a professional.
4. “Nobody understands me.”
Depression tells us a lot of lies. It creates beliefs like these, black and white beliefs that fuel the depression and cause it to spiral. Being misunderstood is a normal human experience. No one can know the full depth and scope of who you are as a person. No one can know every single little experience that makes you who you are.
But there are people who can relate, as long as you’re not trying to find someone who is perfectly in tune with your experiences. Like, I’ve lived with chronic Bipolar Disorder and depression for over 30 years now. I understand a whole lot from my own personal experiences, and I can certainly relate to others in similar experiences, but I would never assume that I fully understand exactly how someone else in that position feels. It’s simply not possible.
5. “People are so awful.”
Yes, some are. That is absolutely a fact. And this kind of statement often comes after a betrayal or burning out from stress and exhaustion. Plus, it’s a common thought to have when you’re watching the news of everything terrible happening in the world.
But, again, the absolute nature of the statement is what points to a deeper unhappiness.
Yes, people can be awful, but there are also so many people trying to do good things out there. There are people who are trying to stop those awful people from doing what they’re doing, help their victims and survivors, and improve things. But unfortunately, that kind of thing doesn’t sell like anger, hatred, and violence do in the media.
6. “I just want to be alone.”
“People are awful” often pairs with “I just want to be alone” like peanut butter and jelly. Solitude can be peaceful and restorative when it’s done as a choice, with that goal in mind. But that isn’t what this kind of phrase is pointing to. There’s a good chance that a person using this phrase is just exhausted, deeply disappointed in the people around them, and doesn’t want to deal with them anymore.
Alternatively, they may have a loving group of friends but just not have the emotional energy to engage with them. I think one understated struggle of dealing with depression is self-isolation because you don’t want to drag other people down. When you know you’re miserable, and you know you don’t have the emotional energy to pretend, it’s just easier to be alone.
That way, you don’t have to feel guilty about dragging everyone down with you.
7. “This is just who I am.”
My Bipolar-depression started for me when I was a teenager and lasted well into adulthood. Depression was my default way of thinking, because that’s the direction my brain tends toward. For a long time, it became my identity because I didn’t know anything different. I would look at happy people and think, “Well, that’s not me. That could never be me” because “This is just who I am.”
Except it’s not. It’s what the mental illness caused me to be while it was at its most severe and intense. Even in the “good” times, my brain was resting in mild depression for the most part. But once I went to therapy, got medicated, and learned how to manage myself better, I was able to see that no, it wasn’t who I am.
If you hear someone speaking or thinking like this, it may help to remind them that they are not their problems.
8. “I knew everything would go wrong.”
This phrase points to two cognitive distortions – black and white thinking and fortune-telling. Again, it’s a phrase that points to a mind that is currently very narrowed in on awful things, which is what unhappiness does to a person. It’s inherently an untrue phrase because you couldn’t possibly know everything would go wrong because you can’t tell the future, and few things are truly absolute.
Unhappy people tend to embrace this mindset as a means of self-preservation. If you don’t get your hopes up, then you won’t be disappointed when everything comes crashing down. Then, you don’t have to spend the emotional energy to deal with the disappointment and sadness of the letdown.
On the one hand, it’s nice not to need to deal with that disappointment. On the other hand, I found that this perception often contributed to my depression and muted the positive feelings that I might have felt when things did go right.
9. “It’s too late for me.”
This is another common lie that depression tells you when you’re deeply unhappy. No, it’s not too late. It’s never too late to make meaningful changes, especially when it comes to your mental health and wellbeing. Every moment of every day, we have the choice to make different decisions. Sometimes, it’s important to remind someone of that if they express feelings of being stuck or trapped.
If a person is stuck in their unhappiness, they may need a reminder that, hey, maybe therapy or medication can help? Or, alternatively, maybe they need to change things up a bit in their life to have different experiences. Sometimes, unhappiness comes from the situations and circumstances that we find ourselves in.
Closing thoughts…
Deep unhappiness and depression can have numerous causes. Life can be hard at times, especially if you’re someone who is trying to navigate trauma or mental illness. The people around you may be going through a difficult time and need a reminder that it can get better.
While each of these phrases isn’t an issue in moderation, repeated use can point to a problem. It may be a sign to lend that person a friendly ear or encourage them to speak to a professional. Some people don’t want to do that, or they’re not ready to, and that’s okay. Meeting a person where they are means accepting their boundaries. They’ll come to it if and when they’re ready to, and all you can do is let them know you’ll be there ready to help how you can.
