High-functioning depression is not fun. I would know, I’ve lived with it for decades now. There are so many people who misunderstand depression despite how much information is out there on it. Even now, there’s a common belief that depression means you’re completely nonfunctional, unable to do anything at all. That couldn’t be more wrong.
The truth is that many people are trying to get through their day with high-functioning depression. If this sounds familiar, you may find yourself hiding it in these 7 ways.
1. You keep your schedule full so that you stay busy.
American culture celebrates the workaholic, the person who is down to hustle and grind every minute of every day. If you’re not being productive, then what are you even doing with your life? You should be out there, doing things, doing more things, and trying to fit in even more things in the spaces between them!
What many people fail to understand is that workaholism isn’t just a clever portmanteau. As the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs shares, it’s an addiction. People abuse work to cope with their life, no differently than alcoholism or drug use. Alcoholism and workaholism both serve the same purpose to a high-functioning depressed person, and that is to not think about what’s actually going on in their head.
They never have to deal with the negative emotions or circumstances that cause them if they just stay busy. And this maladaptive coping skill flies under the radar because employers want to get as much productivity out of you as they can, and these bills need to be paid.
Unfortunately, that won’t work forever, any more than alcoholism does. A high-functioning depressed person who has not addressed their negative feelings or the circumstances causing them is just deepening the wound with time. But, on the other hand, what can you do?
However, at some point, the high-functioning depressed person will be forced to deal with it when they finally have a breakdown. Pushing through it doesn’t work forever.
2. You’re the reliable person who always shows up.
The spirit of busyness isn’t limited to just work. It’s also regular life in relationships with other people. A high-functioning depressed person may not say “no” to requests when asked because it’s an easy way to pack the schedule. They don’t stop and take time for themselves, but they appear to be well put-together because they’re always showing up.
They may brush off ideas of self-care or prioritizing their own needs, because then they would need to focus on themselves. It becomes an easy excuse; they simply don’t have the time, and someone always needs something.
The problem is that we always have time for that which we prioritize. If that person prioritized their well-being or mental health, they wouldn’t run themselves ragged at their own expense. They wouldn’t just agree to do everything for everyone else, and then always show up for it. They would understand that, hey, I need to slow down, stop, and rest. But they don’t.
3. You deflect with humor and self-deprecation.
As someone who’s lived with depression for a long time, after a while, you just don’t want to talk about it. Everyone always tells you to just talk about what’s going on in your head, get it out, vent, and you’ll feel better. But what happens when you never feel better? What happens when the problem that is fueling your depression isn’t something that can be solved by talking?
Like poverty? Oppression? An abusive relationship that you can’t escape, yet? A bad job that you have to work because no one else is actually hiring, despite all of the help wanted signs and job postings?
The easiest way to do that is with humor. As Carolyn Bergen at Conexus Counselling writes, humor is an effective mask. Make a joke, so other people can’t truly see you. Distract them with a laugh. It’s also why self-deprecating jokes are so hit or miss in their execution. It’s funny when someone who doesn’t hate themselves makes a self-deprecating joke. It’s not funny when you can tell by the edge of bitterness in their voice that they aren’t joking.
4. You are constantly minimizing your own pain for the sake of others.
The high-functioning depressed person will often minimize their own pain, again, to avoid being truly seen or vulnerable. It could be that they are just tired of talking about it, or they don’t feel comfortable bringing it up. Many people living with high-functioning depression minimize their own suffering because they don’t believe their depression is valid.
They look at other people who are having a harder time and conclude that their suffering doesn’t deserve compassion because other people have it worse. Unfortunately, that’s also a byproduct of the depression, because depression makes you feel like you’re unimportant and you don’t matter. It can make you feel like you’re not worthy of attention or care.
But suffering isn’t a competition. A person who struggles because they’re high-functioning but still depressed is just as valid as someone who is barely functioning. In fact, it would be better if high-functioning depressed people could feel comfortable about acknowledging their suffering so they can get help before they become barely functioning. It won’t get better without a change. It only gets worse.
5. You look put-together on the outside.
You mask what’s actually going on inside of you by ensuring your outer appearance doesn’t raise any eyebrows. You may practice good hygiene, wear clean clothes, and generally not look disheveled. And you may express a calm and pleasant demeanor, rather than outwardly happy or sad, because it doesn’t take as much energy to fake pleasant versus happy.
It’s essentially another mask that we high-functioning depressed people use to pass through society without anyone asking too many questions. If you’re normally a well put-together person, and then one day you show up in mismatched clothes and your hair poorly styled, that draws unwanted attention. It causes people to ask questions that you may not want to answer.
6. You’re emotionally supportive, but don’t let others into your inner world.
Those who want to hide their struggles and avoid being seen may still make the effort to be a good friend and person. They may be supportive of their friends or lend a kind ear to someone who is having a hard time, but they don’t ask the same from other people. That way, they can maintain the relationship without the need for vulnerability.
They continue to play the social role that they are expected to, or that they want to, to avoid calling attention to themselves. If, one day, their behavior were to change dramatically, then other people might take notice and realize that something is wrong, which leads to uncomfortable conversations.
7. You collapse when you’re finally alone and not busy.
And so it happens: you’re flying through life, working hard, being there for everyone else, but then finally you reach a point where you have nothing else on your schedule. Then, when you sit down in the quiet of your home without those loud distractions, you collapse in on yourself. Or maybe you need a crying break in a toilet stall at work, or in your car on a lunch break.
This is also the point where a lot of people start turning to substance abuse or promiscuity to distract themselves from the truth of their depression. Maybe they sit alone and drink a bottle of wine, or take an edible, or smoke some pot, or make a call to a friend-with-benefits.
Ideal, because a friend-with-benefits doesn’t require the kind of emotional intimacy that a relationship does. You can numb yourself in lust for a while, and then get up the next day and start the cycle anew.
It may also be that you sit down and put your favorite series on – like The Office or Friends – and just let it play in the background like a comforting blanket. People with anxiety and high-functioning depression gravitate toward the familiar to self-soothe. They know what to expect, so it helps them relax.
Final thoughts…
High-functioning depression is such a common problem nowadays, with the cost of living, stagnant wages, and general difficulty in pursuing happiness. Many people are walking around depressed, just doing what they need to do to get through their day, so they can find a way to survive their struggles.
It’s okay to struggle. And I know from personal experience that it gets real old talking about it after a while. Talking about it doesn’t make your paycheck bigger. Talking about it doesn’t just fix a broken heart. But sometimes it’s nice to just sit in that space with someone you care about, if you can.
