True friendship is a sacred thing to experience. When you have a sincere connection with another person, they become a chosen family member to you: someone you can trust and depend upon, no matter what.
Not all friendships are this sincere, however.
Some of them might seem real and strong on the outside, but harbor things like intense resentment or even competition just below the surface.
If your so-called “friend” is exhibiting the behaviors below, then there is a good chance this person is secretly competing with you rather than having your best interests at heart.
1. Trying to talk you out of things that would benefit you, then doing the thing themselves.
Have you noticed that whenever you think about trying something new and expansive, or even getting back into something you used to love, this “friend” starts to do their utmost to talk you out of it?
They may couch it in such a way that they’re trying to protect you from potential harm, when in reality, they don’t want to see you succeed at something that they want instead.
For example, they might tell you that the job you’re interested in applying for is with a company that has a bad reputation for treating its employees poorly, and then they’ll go and apply for it instead.
Or they’ll talk about how the gym you want to join is a total scam, but then you’ll find out a couple of months later that they’ve been hitting that very same gym daily.
2. Implying that you can’t do the thing that’s important to you (sometimes under the guise of “protecting” you from harm).
Maybe you’ve been thinking about doing something that means a lot to you, such as going back to school to re-train for a different career, or asking out a person you’ve been interested in for a while. You tell your friend about it excitedly, but instead of encouraging you, they find reasons to naysay it, often under the guise of protecting you.
It’ll be too expensive for your meagre budget to handle. You’re already tired all the time, and that’ll just exhaust you further. It’s futile to start something new at your age. Other people might laugh at you.
These are just a few of the reasons they may offer you as to why you shouldn’t do this thing that has been inspiring and motivating you.
Then later, when you’re feeling down because you’ve lost enthusiasm and interest, they’ll cheer you up by doing the same thing you two always do together, like hanging out at the pub or watching the game.
Essentially, they want to maintain the status quo of your relationship, because for you to evolve would threaten them and their ego.
3. Suggesting to your friends or partner that there’s something wrong with you.
A so-called “friend” who feels insecure around you or who feels jealous about your friendships and other close relationships may try to sabotage those connections by implying to them that something isn’t quite right with you.
Maybe you’re more tired these days, or you’ve got a lot on your plate and understandably aren’t your usual self. Instead of supporting you, they may approach people close to you and suggest that you are unstable, or even dangerous, in an attempt to drive a wedge between you.
Something similar happened to me years ago when I was living with flatmates. My girlfriend at the time used to come around a lot, and she would often spend time at our place while I was at work or running errands.
During those periods of time, my flatmate, who was at home, took it upon himself to suggest to her that I was seeing other people (I wasn’t), that I wasn’t paying my share of the rent or bills (I was), and, of course, he was being flirtatious towards her as well.
She wasn’t his “type,” and he had no sincere interest in her — he just didn’t want me to be with her.
4. Keeping score and bringing it up whenever they’re up one.
Real friends support one another in just about every endeavor or achievement they’re pursuing. They don’t keep a running tally of who’s doing better than the other in any given situation, nor do they put you down and try to make you feel small to make themselves feel big.
But if your friend is secretly competing with you instead of wanting the best for you, they’ll make a point of announcing joyfully when they’ve one-upped you in a particular endeavor.
They’ll remain silent when you’re doing well, of course, but as soon as they perceive themselves as having pulled ahead in this imaginary race of theirs, they’ll crow about it nonstop.
5. Mirroring and one-upping your purchases.
You buy a new pair of shoes, and they buy a similar pair that’s just a bit more expensive. You get a new phone as your old one is beginning to fall apart, and they get the latest, top-of-the-line phone made by the same company. It seems that whenever you happen to buy something you need for your day-to-day, they buy the same, but better.
They might not mention it much when it’s just the two of you together, but as soon as someone else enters the vicinity, they may make less-than-subtle digs about how your items are inferior to theirs.
For example, they might “joke” to your partner about how you’re too cheap to buy a better phone or clothes, or try to rally your friends to help mock you that you aren’t in the cool club because you have an Android instead of an iPhone, etc.
6. Subtly undermining or sabotaging you.
This can take many different forms, depending on your interests and the connection the two of you have.
For example, your friend may reassure you that they’ll share equipment with you when you go on a group camping trip, but when the day arrives, they’ve “forgotten” to bring it. Or they “forget” to tell you important details about an event that you’re expected to attend.
When you confront them, they’ll play it off as being innocently forgetful or gaslight you and say that they did tell you about the mission-critical info, but you obviously forgot about it.
If this keeps happening, you need to take measures to stop their jealousy from harming you. Communicate via text as often as possible so you have copies that prove what was said, and don’t rely on them for anything important again. Ever.
7. They date people whom they perceive as upgraded versions of your partner.
This can usually be a much clearer indication than most things that your friend is in competition with you. Your friend might go quiet or be distant for a while, and when they resurface, they’re dating someone who’s essentially an “upgraded” version of your partner in their eyes.
You’re dating a nurse? Well, they’re dating a doctor. Your partner owns a lovely flat? Well, their partner has a house.
And so on.
They may not be actually interested in this person, but instead, they are only dating them to prove themselves as “higher value” or “better” than you.
8. Taking on a caretaker role even when it isn’t needed, nor wanted.
If you find your friend tries to look after you and your affairs when you never asked them for help, that can be a subtle sign that they’re secretly competing with you. Essentially, they use control under the guise of care to keep you in a position where they feel superior.
It can be extremely tiresome, as there seems to be the implication that you’re incapable of doing various things without their (unwanted) assistance.
If you confront them about this, they may pretend that they’re hurt by your accusation and they’re “only trying to help”.
At this point, you can ask them flat out why they think you’re in need of help, since you never asked for it. Just be aware that confrontation may cause this friendship to fall apart, so be prepared for that.
9. Building upon a perceived strength of yours.
Years ago, a former friend of mine with a rather competitive streak knew that I was really into fitness and bodywork, so she got a job as a personal trainer and massage therapist because she knew that was the top path combination on my list.
She’d had no interest in that previously, but she suddenly felt the need to pursue my goal, make it her own, and elevate it beyond what she thought I would ever be able to achieve.
While it can be common for friends to become more similar as they spend time together, a sudden change should always be treated with caution.
As such, if a friend happens to develop a burning passion in your chosen field or passion overnight, and uses the advantages they have to achieve it while you’re struggling to do the same, know that it’s likely they aren’t actually your friend: they’re your competitor.
Final thoughts…
For many people, friendships can offer security and acceptance that they never experienced in their families. As a result, these individuals may balk against anything that threatens the status quo they’ve established.
They like to keep things as they are, so if something changes to upset that dynamic, they try to quash it to keep everything as they like.
And while playful competitiveness is fine if you’re playing sports together, competition in life goals, personal pursuits, and other dreams is never okay, and is either a sign that this person isn’t a real friend at all, or that they have a lot of their own issues they need to work through.
