If you’ve ever noticed that someone close to you is having a bad day by observing their body language, or sensed that a person you didn’t know needed help, you were likely using emotional intelligence.
While many people think you either have emotional intelligence or you don’t, that’s a myth. It’s essentially a set of psychological skills that allows you to understand and perceive emotions in others, while also recognizing, regulating, and expressing your own.
And like most skills, emotional intelligence can’t simply be learned by reading books or thinking; you need practices such as those below to build it.
1. Learning to recognize where emotions manifest in your body.
There are a lot of poetic descriptions about where people feel emotions in their bodies. For example, you’ve likely read or heard about people being choked up by sadness, feeling butterflies in their stomach when anxious, or a sinking feeling in their guts when experiencing dread.
But in our harried world, many people are disconnected from these feelings. What’s more, some people, such as those who are neurodivergent or who have experienced trauma, may struggle to recognize and identify these bodily sensations, due to difficulties with interoception.
Interoception is the internal sensory system that allows you to notice and interpret the physiological signals inside your body.
As such, whenever you feel something, even if you’re not sure what it is yet, take note of where those feelings manifest inside your body. Do you involuntarily clench your fists or your jaw when you’re extremely angry? How about warmth or tingling in your chest or face when you feel joy or excitement?
Consider keeping a journal in which you document these experiences so you can better learn to recognize them — both in yourself and in those around you.
And if you are struggling to detect the feeling at all or to connect the physical feeling to an emotion, you may benefit from some more in-depth interoception exercises.
2. Reminding yourself with phrases or mantras.
When I was growing up, most of the people I knew had phrases, poems, prayers, or mantras framed on the walls of their homes. This is a practice that’s shared worldwide, as people of all cultures repeat important things to themselves so they won’t forget.
Phrases that mean a lot to you can support emotional intelligence by helping you keep your temper in check, realign yourself with your inner strength, or even keep in mind the need for patience and loving kindness.
For example, repeating a mental mantra such as “other people feel as deeply as I do” can help you remind yourself that everyone around you is carrying a life just as complex and full as your own.
3. Spending time with people from all walks of life.
Did you know that libraries in around 85 different countries allow you to book time with human volunteers to talk to, all of whom have different life experiences? It’s called The Human Library Project, and it’s focused on encouraging people to stop judging human “books” (aka humans) by their covers.
By spending time with a wide range of different individuals, you expand your perspectives as well as your empathy, allowing you to cultivate far greater emotional intelligence than you might have otherwise been able to do.
Of course, you can do this in your everyday life just as easily, so even if you don’t have a human library event in your city, you can make an effort to spend time with people who are very different from yourself.
Book some time with a Tibetan monk, ask someone who is neurodivergent or has mental health challenges to tell you what life is like from their perspective, talk to someone who has survived war or genocide, or someone whose life is nearing its end.
You’d be amazed at how much you can learn and how much your emotional intelligence can grow if you do.
4. Put yourself in situations where you will feel a wide spectrum of emotions, and learn to name them.
People who aren’t necessarily attuned to their emotions can build more emotional intelligence by intentionally (and safely) putting themselves in situations that promote a wide range of feelings, and learning to both identify and name them.
For example, if you want to get more familiar with what fear or stress feels like in a moderately controlled environment, do something like ride a rollercoaster or an escape room puzzle. As you do so, observe what it is you’re feeling and where you feel it (as mentioned earlier). Those who are able to might also find it helpful to color code their feelings.
For example, we hear about people “seeing red” when they’re angry, but if you’re scared, what color do you feel or associate it with (if any)? Grey? Dark blue? How about when you’re happy? More yellow or green?
Write these experiences down in the journal we discussed, along with any other sensations you may experience. For instance, some people experience a metallic taste in their mouths or the smell of ammonia in their nostrils when they feel anxiety. How about you?
5. Observe people to witness how emotions manifest in others.
This practice is immensely helpful for building emotional intelligence because by recognizing and understanding what other people are feeling, you learn more about your own emotional experiences and responses.
Watch how someone’s posture or body language changes when they’re angry or scared, or how their smile lights up their face when they’re happy.
What do they do with their hands when they feel anxious or awkward? Does the tone of their voice shift when they’re attempting to keep their emotions in check while they’re communicating with someone?
All of these observations can help you become more attuned to your own behaviors, and cultivate far more awareness about what others are experiencing.
Just remember that body language is not a one-size-fits-all experience, so remember to take each individual and the context with which they’re in into consideration before making snap judgments.
6. Become aware of what you avoid.
You can cultivate an astonishing amount of emotional intelligence by being honest with yourself about what you avoid, reject, or get disgusted by.
Things that are appealing to you are all well and good, but it’s what you withdraw from that can grant you real insight as to your inner workings.
Start by learning to recognize what you avoid emotionally because it makes you uncomfortable.
Are there images or topics you scroll through (or hide) on social media because you dislike the reactions they cause in you? How about topics that make you “ugh” in revulsion? Do you walk away from discussions that revolve around topics that anger you? Or do you avoid certain people because of how you feel when you’re in their company?
By not only identifying these things, but also delving into the behaviors of yours that stem from them, you’ll develop a far greater understanding of your own triggers and emotions, and have greater empathy for those of others in turn.
If this process feels intense or distressing, this may be worth exploring with a therapist rather than alone, as it may be signaling something more significant, like a trauma response.
7. Discuss what you’re feeling with someone you trust.
If you’ve ever called up a friend or sat down with your partner to “pick their brain” about something, then you’re probably familiar with the fact that discussing something with another person is a great way to glean greater perspective on the topic.
As such, if there’s a person in your life whom you trust, and whom you can rely upon to be honest and respectful towards you with regard to this topic, then consider asking them if they’d be willing to work with you as you learn to build your emotional intelligence.
Together, you can figure out what approach would work best for you, e.g., roleplaying, discussion, freeform association, and whatnot.
In fact, while having a chat with your partner or best friend over coffee, you might experience sudden epiphanies and your emotional intelligence will grow by leaps and bounds.
The key is to only discuss this with someone you trust completely, however. You don’t want to open up to someone who might use what you’ve told them against you at some point.
Being vulnerable is good in some situations, but in this one, make it someone in whom your trust is sacrosanct.
Final thoughts…
Building emotional intelligence takes time and patience.
Furthermore, it’s often best developed obliquely. Rather than diving into this headfirst with the intention of building emotional intelligence by any means necessary, relax and open yourself up to the process so it happens naturally.
Nobody became a master chef or carpenter overnight, nor did they develop emotional intelligence without observation and practice.
Give yourself the space and patience to develop this soft skill, and it will grow steadily, becoming sure and strong in time.
