If you’ve ever watched a TV show like The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette), you might have noticed how bizarrely they made it seem as though competing for someone’s affection was a good and noble thing to do.
What’s more, they placed great emphasis on how special it is to be chosen by a person who had been weighing up 25-30 other options.
While some people may take a similar (albeit slightly less extreme) approach in real life, others totally refuse to be treated as an option when it comes to love.
And the individuals who fall into the latter category tend to have a number of the following qualities in common:
1. They aren’t expecting to be “completed” by someone else.
Do you remember the “you complete me” scene from the film Jerry Maguire? While some people consider that to be terribly sweet and romantic, it’s actually pretty unhealthy.
It can promote a “pick-me” type of behavior in which people center the one they’re dating in an attempt to prove that they’re invaluable to them.
In contrast, those who refuse to be treated like an option in love show up for themselves in their own lives before making room for anyone else. They don’t leap into action if the person they’re interested in finally texts them after 10 pm to see if they want to hook up.
Similarly, if someone they’re dating behaves in a deceitful or controlling fashion, and implies that they can be easily replaced if they complain about it, they won’t stick around. They’ll end that relationship immediately.
2. They have their own livelihoods in order.
Unfortunately, some people depend on others for support, be that emotional or financial. As a result, they tolerate competing with their partner’s other pursuits because they want to earn or maintain their place by this individual’s side.
In contrast, someone with a healthy sense of independence knows what they want from life and will consider a great partner to be a benefit, not a need.
As such, they prioritize getting their own livelihood in order: a good job that pays well, a solid living situation, healthy personal pursuits, and so on.
They’re nobody else’s plan B or backup plan because they know their worth.
They won’t make themselves smaller or pretend to be something they aren’t in order to earn someone else’s attention.
They want an equal, or at the very least someone whose strengths complement and counterbalance their own.
They don’t need anyone else’s income or emotional support, because they can provide those things for themselves.
3. They won’t allow others to disrespect them.
My partner once told me a story about how she was out for dinner with a guy she was dating, when he asked her if she’d be willing to dye her hair red because he prefers that hair color on women.
When she said no, he tried to coerce her into doing so by implying that he’d been talking to another woman, and that she was willing to do that in order to please him.
So my partner asked the server to pack up her entree to go, dropped a $20 on the table, and left.
Enter the shocked Pikachu face on the dude, who ended up texting her day and night, apologizing and trying to convince her to give him another try.
The point here is that a person who refuses to be treated as an option isn’t going to bend over backwards in order to earn an individual’s love, respect, and devotion. If it’s not granted willingly, they have no use for it.
Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode sang it best: “I’m not going down on my knees, begging you to adore me”.
4. Strong self-esteem.
A person who has low self-esteem, often because of the way they were treated in their formative years, will often tolerate terrible behavior from a partner because they’re terrified of losing them.
Unfortunately, many types of users and abusers prey upon those with low self-esteem because those individuals are often willing to accept just about anything as long as their partner doesn’t leave them.
In some cases, this includes being one of many partners, even if they prefer monogamy, because the one they want likes to keep their options open.
In contrast, a person with strong self-esteem is generally harder to manipulate.
If the one they’re dating lets them know that they’re just one of several options, they’ll walk away. Quite frankly, if that person can’t recognize their worth, they have no use for them anymore.
Furthermore, they’re less likely to be guilt-tripped or otherwise coerced into giving that person another chance. That individual has shown their true colors, so why would they waste another moment on them?
5. “If I’m not an emphatic yes, then it’s a no.”
Countless people are in unhappy, or simply mediocre relationships because they resigned themselves to being with someone they didn’t really want.
Can you imagine what effect that has on their spouse or partner?
It’s even worse when their partner makes it clear to them — and everyone else — that they weren’t their first choice, but they’re “tolerable”, and their relationship is “good enough.”
Someone who refuses to be treated as an option in love refuses to wait passively on the sidelines for someone else to decide whether they’re “good enough” to date or not.
This type of individual isn’t a “pick me” sort but instead takes the initiative to make that decision for themselves.
If the person they’re dating isn’t enthusiastic about seeing them, and seems to show up out of obligation without sincere interest or effort, they’re done.
6. They brook no egress when it comes to boundaries and ethics.
Most of us have witnessed situations in which someone behaves like a complete ass, but their partner merely smiles or laughs apologetically and tries to change the subject.
For example, someone’s soused uncle might make a horribly racist joke at Thanksgiving dinner. His wife in no way shares those views, but instead of speaking up, she might titter something about him having too much to drink before insisting that everyone try the candied yams.
Often, this apologetic behavior is done when a person is afraid of being abandoned by said partner, or because they are conflict-avoidant.
They don’t want to rock the boat or risk a potential breakup, so they tolerate having their ethics (and possibly even personal boundaries) trodden upon.
In contrast, someone who refuses to be treated as an option demands respect, for themselves, their views, and the company they’re in.
They’ll respond to idiocy by making it clear that if that person continues to behave that way, they’ll do so alone. They have enough faith in themselves to move along without the false trappings and potential co-dependency of another.
7. They would rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t truly love them.
A person who is wholly comfortable with their own company is a person who can’t be manipulated with threats of rejection.
They don’t care if another individual chooses them or not because they’re perfectly content spending time in solitude. These people usually have a wealth of interests and hobbies to keep them engaged, and they often have great animal companions as well.
To them, being alone is guaranteed to be a much more authentic and enjoyable experience than going through the hollow paces of pretence in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love them, or doesn’t even care about them that much.
They refuse to be an option because they love themselves, they’re not afraid to be alone, and they won’t settle for anything less than sincere love and respect from a partner.
Final thoughts…
A person who refuses to be treated as an option in love isn’t going to wait around, pining and hoping that the one they’re interested in will finally realize that they’re better than all the other options being weighed and measured.
They recognize that the person who treats them like an option needs to be discarded by choice — their own choice.
They know their worth, and it’s miles above being kept on the side like a fall-back plan in case someone’s first, second, and third options fall through.
