Midlife is often a time of rediscovery and reinvention. We take stock of where we are, and measure that up against who we are, who we want to be, and how we want to spend the next 50 years.
While examining everything in our lives, we may find ourselves questioning whether we’re actually happy, or resigned to the choices we’ve made. And this goes for the relationships we’re in, too.
As such, if you’re in the process of midlife reevaluation, you may be trying to determine whether you’re remaining in a tepid, mediocre marriage because you love your spouse, or because you’re afraid of what leaving would look like.
Here are some questions to ponder to help with that evaluation.
When you picture life without your spouse, what do you envision?
It’s not pleasant to think about your partner passing away unexpectedly or serving you with divorce papers, but take a few moments to contemplate this experience.
Move past the initial shock and hurt about it, and envision what your life would look like a year or two after their departure.
Do you picture yourself haunting the rooms of your house like Miss Havisham, mourning your partner’s absence? Or do you see yourself at peace, possibly surrounded by friends, pets, plants, and hobbies that bring you joy?
Who would you be and what would your life look like if your spouse were no longer around?
If the life you envision is happier, more peaceful, and more fulfilled than the life you’re currently living, then that’s a huge clue that you aren’t actually with this person because you love them deeply and want to spend the rest of your life walking beside them.
Do you feel safe and calm in your spouse’s presence? Or happier when you’re apart?
One of the key ways to tell whether you’re staying in your marriage for love rather than being afraid of what might happen if you left is by gauging how you feel when the two of you are apart.
When you’re together, take some time to analyze how you feel in their presence.
Do you feel calm and relaxed, able to do your own thing without judgement? Or are you on edge, constantly bracing for scathing commentary or demands for you to do things?
Similarly, observe how you are when you’re apart, such as when they’re at work and you’re at home, or if they go away for a few days.
Do you sing when you’re alone because you can’t when this person is around? Can you watch shows you love and do hobbies you enjoy without mockery? Alternatively, do you miss this person’s presence and look forward to their return?
How you feel when you’re apart can offer you a massive clue about whether you’re there for love or obligation.
Are you worried about losing financial stability or personal care by leaving?
It’s usually easier for a healthy, physically able 30-year-old person to leave their spouse than someone in midlife — especially if that older person is dealing with serious health issues.
Despite our best efforts, our bodies do break down over time. As a result, many people in midlife have to lean on their spouses more than they did in their youth.
This may be via financial support if they’re no longer able to work the way they used to, or assistance with everyday tasks.
Reliance on another person for continued survival is what keeps many people in mediocre marriages and long-term partnerships. They may dearly want to part ways, but their lives would be much more stressful if they did.
So they choose the lesser evil and put up with unfulfillment or even neglect for the sake of being comfortable and cared for in their autumn and winter years.
When problems arise, is your immediate reaction to repair them? Or walk away?
When people are in a loving, committed, healthy marriage or partnership, they put real effort into repairing issues when they arise.
They take the time to talk through the problem, understand what led to it, and how to resolve it as a team.
Because they love each other, they’re willing to put in the work that’s needed to get their marriage back on track and move forward in a healthy manner.
In contrast, if a person is staying in a mediocre marriage out of need or obligation, they often don’t really care about doing repair work.
They don’t want to put any more effort into it than is absolutely necessary, and they’d rather walk away than try to resolve things. In fact, any time there’s a minor disagreement, they probably fantasize about packing their bags and going to Bali indefinitely.
As such, when you think about misunderstandings or tensions that arise between you and your spouse, which of these responses comes naturally to you?
Caring resolution? Or the desire to cut and run from anything that taxes your energy?
If you’re in a caregiving role in your marriage, do you feel guilt about leaving a person who depends upon you? Or do you enjoy the role you’re in?
If you’ve had to parent your spouse for most of your marriage because you have to help them regulate their emotions or tell them what to do all the time, you may see them more like a dependent child than an equal partner.
As a result, if you’re no longer in love with them, you may find that you feel intense guilt and apprehension about leaving them.
It’s extremely difficult to navigate a situation in which you’ve been feeling burned out and resentful for years, but equally knowing that you’ll feel terrible if something awful happens to your spouse if you leave.
Furthermore, you may still care about them deeply and feel torn between prioritizing your own happiness and wellbeing, and sacrificing them for the sake of someone you’ve spent years living with and caring for.
Alternatively, you may not feel any of those things. Some people find a great sense of purpose in caring for those close to them. They thrive in caregiver roles, and are most content in service to others — even if they gripe about doing so on occasion.
As such, it’s important to consider whether you feel a sense of contentment when fussing over and taking care of your spouse or whether you despise every moment of it and dream about never having to do it again.
The answers that arise immediately will let you know whether you’re staying out of love and devotion, or if this simply “isn’t so bad” compared to the unknown.
Are you afraid of being alone? Or are you content with what you have?
Most people in midlife aren’t as confident about their appeal to potential suitors as their younger counterparts are.
Furthermore, not only is the dating pool significantly shallower after 40, but the denizens of that pool aren’t necessarily appealing.
As a result, a lot of people choose to remain in mediocre marriages because they’re afraid that they’ll either never find anything better than what they already have, or that nobody else will ever want them.
This is in stark contrast to a person who looks at their partner and still feels love and desire for them, as well as receiving positive reinforcement and affection from them in turn.
If, after several years together, you and your spouse still desire one another, are playful towards each other, and share small intimacies like holding hands or cuddling, that tells you that there’s still a significant amount of love present between you.
Final thoughts…
All relationships ebb and flow like tides. As a result, we’re all going to experience periods in which we’re immensely happy with our spouses, and times when we wish we lived like hermits.
When the latter occurs, it’s important to take stock of the situation by looking at the entire picture.
Writing a list of the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving can be helpful, as can periods where you and your spouse are apart for a while.
A period of separation, such as a solo trip to somewhere your partner isn’t interested in, can give you some much-needed perspective on the situation.
If you discover that the cons list of staying is much longer than the pros, or if you’re significantly happier without your spouse around, then that’s something to pay attention to while you’re planning the second half of your life.
Alternatively, if you miss your spouse shortly after parting from them, or you’re looking forward to sharing your experiences and little souvenirs with them when you return, that tells you that there’s still quite a bit of love present.
There’s no right or wrong answer here, nor are you obligated to take any action you’re not comfortable doing. Only you can decide what’s best for how you’d like the rest of your life to unfold.
Weigh your options, listen to your heart, and do what’s right for you.
