Do you feel like you always need to be doing something for someone? Life is busy, right? There are always more things to do.
Maybe you have work, or your family needs you, or you’re just trying to keep up with your regular responsibilities. There are times in life when it feels like there is always some pressing issue that needs to be taken care of.
However, if you try to carry the world on your shoulders, you will find yourself burning out. You simply cannot do and be everything to everyone.
So how do you take a step back from that without feeling like you’re abandoning those you love?
1. Remember that rest and relaxation are a responsibility, not a reward.
“She works like a machine!”
I’ve always hated that phrase. That phrase implies that the person is ceaseless and tireless in their efforts. They work hard with no breaks.
Is that really how a machine works?
No. As someone who has worked with machines a lot over my life, do you know what happens when you don’t take down machinery for rest and maintenance?
I can tell you. It breaks down in fantastically expensive ways.
Your body and brain are no different. Putting yourself under constant stress to perform, to do everything, to meet everyone’s needs without taking care of yourself is running your machine without maintenance.
High stress and anxiety cause your brain to produce a lot of cortisol. Cortisol is a chemical meant to help you through a stressful situation. It is not meant to be in your system long-term!
It’s one of the reasons high-stress people put on weight, get sick more often, and have strokes or heart attacks.
You need to maintain your machine first. After all, if you break down, you can’t take care of anyone else.
2. Set expectations before you reach your limit.
A good way to avoid the feeling of letting people down is to set and manage their expectations early.
Determine where your limit is, and estimate well short of it. There’s a saying to “under promise and over deliver,” and it is applicable to this situation.
That way, the other person’s expectations are already at a reasonable level, and if you then feel like you want to contribute more, you can, but you’re not being expected to.
For example, let’s say that Lola’s friend asks her to help her with a weekly responsibility. That’s a big commitment for Lola, as she has her own family, work, and life to worry about.
If she wants to help, Lola could instead suggest that maybe she help one or two weekends out of the month, but leave it to her friend to find someone to fill in on the other days.
She’s still offering help, but she’s putting reasonable expectations in place from the start.
3. Differentiate the urgent from the loud.
Loud tasks typically catch the most attention.
That is, you may have someone who is demanding that you focus your attention on something they want you to do at the expense of other things.
But you have to ask yourself, is this actually important or is this person just being loud?
A good example here is people who do not plan well, then try to demand you accommodate them.
For example, maybe Lola’s sister forgot to find a babysitter for her nephews. She calls Lola at the last minute, telling her that she needs to babysit her nephews because she has a date for the evening.
Well, that is a loud situation, not an urgent one.
It’s not going to cause her sister or nephews harm to cancel a date, and Lola’s sister should have planned in advance if it was really important to her.
Remember: other people’s failure to plan or manage their time is not your responsibility. And they won’t learn to do those things if they know you will always step in.
4. Determine whether your guilt is actually evidence of wrongdoing or simply a habit.
Just because you feel a particular way doesn’t mean that those feelings are an accurate judge of the situation.
There is common language in mental health circles that “all emotions are valid,” and it muddies the waters around a complicated subject.
Sure, an emotion is valid because you are feeling what you feel. That’s ok. However, sometimes emotions don’t accurately reflect the external reality of the situation.
Sometimes emotions are more of a reflection of a habit that you’re used to instead of evidence you’ve done something wrong.
In the previous example, Lola may feel guilty for saying no to her sister, but it’s also a Wednesday night. It’s a school night for the boys, and Lola knows her sister is going to be out late partying. Not only that, but Lola still has work tomorrow, too.
So she may feel guilty for saying no to her sister, but does that guilt actually mean she’s in the wrong here?
5. Remember that someone who truly values you, not just what you can do for them, won’t want to take advantage of you.
You will usually find that people who ask things of you will fall into two camps.
The first are the people who appreciate what you do for them. The second are the people who feel entitled to your time or labor.
Lola’s sister is a good example. Note how I said that she told her sister she needed to babysit her nephews. She didn’t ask. I phrased it that way to highlight entitlement.
The people who feel entitled will typically try to manipulate you once you start setting boundaries. Guilt is one common way they do that.
Lola’s sister may say something like, “I thought you liked spending time with your nephews? They love you!”
That is manipulation and a guilt trip.
Instead of focusing on the guilt, it’s a better idea to question, “Why would someone who loves me want to take advantage of me?”
6. Stop measuring your worth by what you do for others.
There are some people who rely on external validation to feel good about themselves. They feel like they need to earn the praise of others to feel worthy.
The side effect of this way of thinking is that it can cause unnecessary stress and guilt.
Setting boundaries to take care of yourself and potentially letting someone down may start to feel like a moral failure.
But taking care of yourself isn’t a moral failure. It’s a necessity; otherwise you will drive yourself straight into burnout.
Your value should not, and does not, depend on what you can do for other people.
Instead, you want to work on the idea that you are inherently valuable regardless of what you do for others. That’s how healthy relationships function.
7. Don’t fall into the all-or-nothing trap.
People tend to fall into the habit of black-and-white thinking, also known as all-or-nothing thinking. They push themselves to burn out, then have to stop altogether.
Instead of doing that, learn to slow down and catch your breath instead.
Reducing your workload and responsibilities by as little as 20% can bring you down to a manageable level.
Think of it like running a long-term race. Long-distance runners will often run in spurts and jog in others.
They are giving their body time to recuperate while they are still actually in the race.
That way, they have enough energy to carry them through the entire race instead of dropping out halfway through.
8. Give yourself the same compassion you give others.
What if it was your best friend who reached out to you, saying they were overwhelmed?
What if they felt like other people were taking advantage of their kindness?
What would you tell them in that situation?
Should they continue to try to make everyone else happy? Or should they set some boundaries and take care of themselves?
Now apply that advice to yourself, because you deserve the same kind of care. You need to look out for yourself the same way that you would look out for the people you care about.
9. Allow yourself to feel guilty so you can change.
Avoiding uncomfortable feelings is the worst thing you can do because it just reinforces the negative.
Lola may feel terribly guilty for telling her sister no, and seemingly disappointing her nephews, but guess what? Disappointment never killed anyone.
Guilt is only as harmful as you let it be.
Let other people feel disappointed. They’ll figure it out. And you can sit with that feeling of guilt. Nothing terrible is going to happen. You don’t have to make it go away by giving in.
It’s not your responsibility to take care of the rest of the world. Lola’s sister has the responsibility of her children, not Lola. And other people’s responsibilities and problems are not your burden to bear.
Let yourself feel guilty and remind yourself that there’s no reason to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. The feeling will pass.
And what you should find is that the feeling gets smaller the more often you do it.
Closing thoughts…
The hard truth is that you are going to have to face some uncomfortable feelings as you start setting boundaries.
You’re going to feel guilty. You may have people who were taking advantage of you who will be angry or disappointed with you.
What you need to keep in mind through all of this is that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.
You cannot just give and give and give and not eventually find yourself with nothing left.
Take care of yourself first. That way, you have the energy to pour into the people who actually appreciate and deserve you.
