For many people, it feels easier to say yes than it is to disappoint with a no. They put themselves last because they may believe that their worth and value are based on what they can do for others. People-pleasers will sacrifice their peace, energy, and well-being just to avoid that feeling of disappointment.
However, putting everyone else first takes a toll. People with emotionally healthy boundaries understand that they can’t put everyone else first; otherwise, they will just burn out completely. But how do you overcome that fear so you can take good care of yourself? Here are 6 tips to help you get started.
1. Recognize that your discomfort doesn’t mean you’re in danger.
Negative feelings are a big reason that people-pleasers can’t say no or take care of themselves as well as they should. Normally, a negative feeling is your brain communicating to you that something is wrong, and the source of that negative emotion needs to be resolved.
That’s your brain trying to keep you away from experiencing things that aren’t good for you. However, trauma and anxiety can complicate things.
As the experts at All Points North share, feeling discomfort or fear at the prospect of saying “no” is a common trauma response from people who have complex PTSD. It’s your brain responding to stimuli that may have gotten you hurt in the past – physical or not – and it’s trying to protect you now. Unfortunately, your brain can’t tell the difference between a genuinely dangerous situation and just one that feels like a dangerous situation, even if it’s actually totally safe.
As you start to establish your boundaries and learn to say “no”, you will likely need to remind yourself that you’re not in danger. This is healthy, and this is okay. And if someone is making you feel unsafe for taking care of yourself or saying no, then they aren’t someone you need in your life.
2. Start small by saying “no” in low-stakes situations.
There’s no need to jump straight into the deep end of trying to enforce your boundaries. Instead, Psychology Today informs us that you can get used to those feelings by saying “no” in small, low-stakes situations. That’ll let you get used to the feelings and grow your tolerance to the discomfort that you’ll feel when you start standing up for yourself.
Think of it like exercising. Yeah, it’s hard and everything hurts when you first start, but it gets easier the more you do it. Your tolerance builds up, you’re able to handle the discomfort better, and you realize that saying “no” isn’t the end of the world.
Of course, some people will make it out to be. You should keep a wary eye on anyone who gives you too much grief about enforcing your boundaries and taking care of yourself. It generally means they are taking advantage of you in some way.
3. Challenge your assumptions about others’ reactions.
Let me tell you a story about Sarah. Sarah had a problem. The traumatic experiences she experienced early in her life caused her PTSD and anxiety. And because she has anxiety, she is prone to doing things like catastrophizing. Her mental health issues cause her to think that outcomes will be far bigger, far worse than she can possibly imagine.
Sarah was afraid that saying “no” might disappoint her friends and family. It might make them angry, or maybe they wouldn’t care about her as much. She was concerned they might even stop talking to her if she didn’t earn their favor.
But, as Sarah healed, she had to learn that other people are responsible for their own emotions. Reasonable people are going to be able to accept a “no” without punishing you for it. Of course, there are people like those Sarah feared out there, but they are a small minority.
Learning to say “no” is something that could be beneficial to her life and relationships. She wants to surround herself with people who respect her, and people she respects, and setting boundaries is the only way to do this.
4. Reframe the word “selfish” as “self-respect.”
People who struggle with boundaries often feel as though they are being selfish by putting themselves first. Understand this: putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you need to do it at the expense of anyone else. Their life, emotions, and problems are theirs to deal with, the same as yours are for you.
Self-respect is understanding that your life needs to come first. You have to take care of your own emotions and handle your own problems, or they can just pile up and become unmanageable. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s an act of self-respect to make sure your life and health are what they should be.
As you wrestle with your doubts and emotions, think about what you’re telling yourself in those moments. The times when you say you are selfish or uncaring for putting yourself first, reframe it as “Taking care of myself is an act of self-respect, not selfishness.” You’ll train your brain to accept the situation better.
5. Replace “Yes” with “I’ll get back to you.”
There is more power in a pause than most people realize. We all have habits that we’ve fallen into out of repetition. If you’re someone who is only just learning to respect themselves and assert their boundaries, you probably have a history of agreeing to help with whatever came up. It may be a habit for you to say “yes” because you never took the opportunity to say no.
That’s where the pause comes in. If you can wait a moment, it gives you the space to act in a different way than what you normally would. If you’re not sure or you’re not ready to say “no”, then just tell them that you’ll get back to them.
You may find that you accidentally agree to things without thinking about it. If you have to, and you want to avoid some awkwardness, you can always reach out to the person after to decline. Don’t let that turn into a habit, though. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and say “no” face-to-face. It’s important because you won’t always be able to send a message later.
6. Remember that boundaries make healthy relationships.
Boundaries are an integral block in the foundation of any healthy relationship. It’s not because people are bad or inherently mean to cause you harm. It’s because we’re all different. We all have different tolerances for what we find acceptable and not. Different people want to be treated in a particular way, and that’s something that you may not instinctively know.
Sure, it’s enough to be polite to people to get by in general social situations. But if you want to develop a decent relationship, whether platonic or romantic, other people will need to know what is acceptable for you and not. Boundaries inform other people how we want to be treated, so they know and can act accordingly.
A final word…
It’s going to feel intimidating and scary when you first start asserting yourself, but what you will find is that most people will treat it as normal. However, if you’ve been a people-pleaser for a long time, you’re going to have people around you who were taking advantage of your lack of boundaries.
You’ll be able to tell who the people are to keep an eye on because they’ll respond with anger and defensiveness. They may question why you need to, or if it’s even necessary. The answer to that question is a resounding – yes!
You need to. It’s the only way to truly love yourself.
