There comes a time in many marriages and partnerships when it becomes apparent that the relationship is breaking down.
Little signs become big ones that are impossible to ignore, and the baseline state of the relationship is strained and tense.
At this point, couples are faced with a choice: either accept the relationship is over, or try to mend it. However, instead, many couples take a third option: maintain the status quo by engaging in the following behaviors.
And while it may seem like holding the relationship together, in reality, it just papers over the ever-growing cracks, making their daily life worse and increasingly unhappy until they simply can’t take it anymore.
1. They avoid talking about the glaringly obvious issues in their relationship.
When there’s an elephant in the room that’s being patently ignored, both partners can clearly see that it’s there. After all, it’s pretty much impossible not to be aware of it.
The problem is that if it’s acknowledged, it will need to be addressed, and neither of them particularly wants to do that.
Issues such as a lack of intimacy or things they’ve done to upset or disrespect one another are simply left unsaid, which causes resentment and other bad feelings to intensify rather than dissipate.
Genuine communication could either fix the situation and dispel the tension, or offer both parties the opportunity to go their separate ways in a healthy manner. But neither of them wants to address the elephant in the room, so they simply avoid it.
2. They focus on duty instead of each other.
When I was in an unhappy marriage, I became a raging workaholic. I spent 10 hours a day working at my paid gig, then spent the rest of my time cooking, cleaning, and doing other household tasks.
My then-spouse didn’t interrupt me when I was working, and he didn’t want to be roped into doing any chores (at all), so I was able to keep my focus on duty and obligation instead of having to deal with him.
This is a common way some people deal with an unhappy relationship they’re not yet ready to face. But unfortunately, when one member of an unhappy couple focuses on duty like this, resentment usually grows further because they never have time to themselves.
Furthermore, they see that their partner never bothers to step up and take over any of the chores, because someone else is doing it.
Of course, they’d likely get upset if that did happen, because in their mind their partner would do a subpar job and it would need redoing anyway. There’s no winning in this scenario.
3. They avoid each other as much as possible.
Many of us have known someone who stays at the office as long as possible to avoid their spouse. Others go on weekend golf or spa trips, or spend as much time as they can doing volunteer work or taking care of extended family.
When they’re home, they and their spouse are sequestered in different rooms (or on different floors), eat separate meals, and barely interact at all.
They’re essentially living parallel lives under one roof: behaving as housemates rather than a couple in a supposedly loving, devoted relationship.
4. They withdraw emotionally to avoid conflict.
It’s common in couples who remain in unhappy relationships for one or both of them to be utterly checked out.
They may simply respond with “uh huh” sounds when their spouse is griping about yet another topic that irks them, or they don’t even respond at all: they just keep on chopping the vegetables or doing puzzles on their phones without looking up.
These individuals likely stopped responding to their spouses in any way a long time ago because they knew that interaction would either lead to conflict or escalate it.
This often happens when one tries to bait the other into an argument and then take the high road when they get upset.
By going “gray rock” and not responding at all, they keep what little peace they have, even though it’s destroying the relationship more every time it happens.
5. They overcompensate in an attempt to pretend all is perfect.
There’s an ongoing joke that you know someone’s marriage is in trouble when they book family photography sessions.
You’ve probably seen these on Facebook or Instagram: everyone in the family has big smiles plastered on their faces as they pose in a pumpkin patch or perfect-looking holiday display.
It’s rarely a surprise when divorce or separation is announced a few months later.
It’s a sad reality that many couples overcompensate in an attempt to pretend that everything is fine.
They don’t want to be judged by others, nor do they want friends or extended family members to interfere.
They simply aim to keep up appearances until they’re literally no longer capable of doing so, at which point, their carefully tended house of cards comes crashing down.
6. They “heat sink” their pent-up tension by venting outside of the relationship.
Since the partners can’t (or won’t) express their unhappiness with each other, but they both know that they’re miserable, they may find an avenue in which they can express that unhappiness indirectly.
For example, some might vent to friends, family, or even strangers — anyone except the person they actually need to talk to. Others might attend sports games where they can yell and howl at the opposing team, instead of each other.
Either way, it lets them release the tension that’s built up between them, in a direction that won’t lead to uncomfortable conversations and greater conflict at home.
7. They throw themselves into home renovations.
Many unhappy couples choose to renovate their homes instead of trying to work on their relationship.
Some of them do this because they’re worried that they can’t fix what feels broken between them, so they focus on something external that’s more easily remedied instead.
As such, they might renovate their kitchen and bathroom, or redecorate the living room and bedroom to celebrate each season or holiday.
One might spend most of their time working on the garden while another builds add-ons or outbuildings.
When they do work together, they tend to argue and snipe at one another, especially when mistakes are made. Incidentally, that also provides them with an outlet. They can get mad at something that’s easily fixable, since they’re fully aware that their relationship is not.
8. They have a baby.
Having a child is something that many unhappy couples do as a last-ditch attempt at holding their relationship together.
If they’ve felt disconnected from each other for a very long time, they may believe that nurturing another life together will give them a shared sense of purpose, and will bring them closer together again.
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case.
If anything, it usually actually increases conflict between the partners, particularly if they aren’t pulling their weight equally, are being inconsiderate, or have fundamentally different views on parenting.
For example, one spouse may leave the other to take care of the little one because they don’t want to deal with the additional irritation of crying, nor the grossness of diaper changes.
Raising a child is incredibly stressful, and adding this to an already unstable relationship can create a powder keg that eventually blows the relationship apart.
Final thoughts…
Many people believe that they need to muscle through difficult times and save their marriage or relationship by any means possible — especially if they have children.
And this can be the right thing to do in many circumstances, but only if both parties are willing to address and work on the relationship’s problems.
But for some, the relationship cannot be salvaged. And trying to hold onto something that has fallen apart only delays the inevitable and exhausts you in the process.
Dissolving a relationship is never easy, but everyone ends up being a lot healthier and happier when they can live in a relaxed, comfortable environment instead of walking on eggshells and avoiding one another.
