When I was a teenager, I thought anyone 40 or over was ancient. So ancient, in fact, that they might as well be an Egyptian mummy.
I did not want to get that old. What joy could there possibly be there?
Now I’m here, and I am honestly happier than I’ve ever been.
I don’t need to ponder why that is, because life has brought me here with that awareness already.
I couldn’t have read or been told about it and believed it, because some things you just have to experience for yourself.
Here are 9 things I’ve learned about happiness in midlife that I hope you’ll relate to as well. And yes, they’d have been great to know earlier, but that’s not how life rolls, is it?
1. Being emotionally settled trumps excitement every time.
I can’t believe there was a time I would be getting ready to go out at 9 pm! Wide awake, music on, singing along, while slipping into my shoes and throwing my keys in my bag.
This wasn’t last week, or last month, or even in the last decade.
I don’t know how I did it, and I’m pretty sure many people reading this will relate in some way.
Now (gladly), I am crawling into bed at 9 pm with my eye mask, after freshly spraying my pillow with lavender spray.
I’ve gone to hell and back in my personal life, overcoming things that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Over the years, I’ve learned what effect that’s had on me, and I’m now in a place where I feel settled.
My nervous system isn’t permanently switched on, and I’m not living to please other people.
I’m me. Maybe a little boring to some people, but happily, emotionally settled, me.
I couldn’t learn how good that would feel earlier in life without going through the process of knowing what was to come, and how I’d heal.
Every day is no longer a rollercoaster, and I am so happy to be able to experience that.
2. You don’t have to show up looking like society expects you to.
I stopped pairing my socks around 8 years ago. I get remarks from people even to this day, and my answer is always the same: Life is too short to pair socks!
I don’t even try to find two socks that marginally resemble each other, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as how I look goes.
I gave up on makeup. I can’t remember the last time I used a curler or straightener on my hair, and my idea of clothes shopping is scrolling Vinted for a new oversized sweater.
I used to not be able to leave the house without liquid eyeliner.
Society expects us all to show up prim and proper, but I think more and more of us, especially as we reach our 40s and 50s, stop giving a damn about it.
Don’t get me wrong, I am clean and presentable; I just don’t wear what society wants me to wear.
And it’s not my problem if you’re not okay with that.
3. Circles become smaller but quality increases.
If anyone reading this is young enough to not ache slightly when you wake up each morning, can I just give you one piece of advice, please?
You don’t need a hundred friends. You don’t even need ten. You just need one or two people in your corner, who you would trust with your children and credit card.
The older you get, the more you tend to appreciate that happiness doesn’t come from knowing as many people as possible. It comes from knowing that you’ve got at least one ride or die.
Your circle will dwindle, partly because of circumstances, but also because the older you get, the more selective you get. Friendship is not about how long your holiday card list is, but who you really want at that top spot on your list.
When you hit midlife, you begin to realize you’re not missing out; you’ve just sieved out all the water and gravel, and you’re left with that tiny piece of gold you call your person.
Quality does not fade, but quantity does.
You won’t know it until you get to this age – but by then, you won’t care. You’ll just be glad that you have something – someone – real.
4. Saying no becomes a guilt-free addiction.
Saying no is a gift I wish I had been given sooner. I used to fear saying no. I didn’t want to upset people, and my saying no gave certain people a reason to make me feel bad about it.
But when you regularly say yes when you want to say no, resentment can quickly build, resulting in feeling disappointed with yourself and angry at others.
And as a woman in her 40s, let me tell you, we do not want to carry resentment. No thank you. We have enough on our plates without the needless baggage of something we can just put down and walk free from.
If you’re not there yet, you have it to look forward to. You may have to work at it, or it may just change almost overnight as it did for me.
I just became less bothered. I’m not rude, but I will say no if I don’t want to do something, or don’t agree with you.
The best part? I don’t even feel bad for it.
I’m doing it for the 20-something previous me who didn’t know she could.
5. Success doesn’t appeal to you if it costs you your peace of mind, relationships, or health.
Our younger adult years are frequently spent chasing success because there’s a hunger to do well and achieve. It’s what modern society expects of us.
And I don’t necessarily just mean career. It can be anything from searching for your soulmate, to traveling the world, to working toward what you think is the perfect body or mind.
But eventually, after all that chasing, you get to a point where you think, “Am I even happy?”
You think all this stuff will make you happier or give you that buzz, but happiness is never a destination. And if you have to burn yourself out or wreck aspects of your life to get what you want, is it really worth it?
You get to a certain age, and the answer to that is a resounding no.
Peace of mind, my health, and the handful of relationships in my life that I have will never be exchanged for “success.”
As far as I am concerned, to have those three things is already my idea of success.
6. Understanding that you don’t ‘earn’ rest; you need and deserve it.
I recently read an article by a therapist who says that rest is a vital part of productivity, and not a reward for being productive. Don’t you think that’s a revolutionary way to view it?
It certainly makes me feel less guilty about having ‘nothing’ days.
The idea of earning rest usually comes from the family values we were raised with, the pressure we put on ourselves, and societal and cultural expectations.
But midlife is often a time when we start to analyze and shed those expectations. We begin to step into ourselves, not who we are expected to be.
It truly makes me happy to know that I don’t have to earn the right to be still, and that there is so much to gain from just being instead of doing.
Now, time to put the kettle on…
7. Going to bed at a reasonable hour and sleeping is priceless.
Right, I’ve had my cuppa, now to write the rest of this article before I think about going to bed. I don’t care that it’s 8:03 pm. In fact, this is prime time to brush my teeth and feed the cat.
The older you get, the more bed becomes your friend. It’s always there for you, it’s comforting, and it doesn’t judge you.
Just get in and sleep; don’t get in and scroll your phone or watch TV until 2 am.
If you are laughing at this, you’re not yet old (or perhaps wise) enough to appreciate the happiness that comes with getting a good night’s sleep.
I feel like come midlife and beyond, you will. And by this stage in life, we’ve definitely earned the right to close our eyes and forget the world for several hours.
8. It feels relieving, not sad, to let go of people who don’t fit into your life.
I spent many years keeping people in my life who weren’t very good for me. But as I grew older and wiser, I realized the harm it was causing.
As a result, I made the difficult decision to go no contact with two immediate relatives several years ago, and I have never known myself more than I do today.
The only sadness I felt about doing so came from the societal pressures and ideals of what family is and should be, and how I don’t have that.
I’d say now, eight years later, I’m well over that. People who can cause so much drama, hurt, and trouble have no place in my environment, nor my son’s.
It’s a relief to be able to take control like that, and I honestly think much of it comes from having lived a bit of life before you know for sure it’s the right move to make.
That extra sprinkle of wisdom is crucial if you’re going to let go of people who are preventing you from being happy. You don’t want to jump in on a whim and just cut everyone out.
Final thoughts…
Midlife this, midlife that. There is no crisis in being the kind of age where you can take charge of your happiness by doing things or being a way that you weren’t a decade or two ago.
A light goes on at some point, and while the painted version of youth may no longer be on your side, there is a deeper and more enriching chapter of life that you’re entering.
It’s a chapter that nobody tells you about, and despite the probable hot flushes or slight aches and pains that will crop up, you’re finally ready to make use of this glorious time.
