We all have sore spots as far as subject matter goes. When these sore spots are prodded, we often become defensive as a means of self-protection.
It’s like the verbal equivalent of crossing our arms over our bellies to protect our organs from potential harm.
Unfortunately, though, getting defensive over a perceived or anticipatory attack can cloud judgment and derail exchanges, escalating them instead of finding calm resolution.
If you find yourself getting defensive in a conversation, try some of the following.
9 strategies to stay clear-headed and respond fairly:
1. Remain an impartial observer.
When you find yourself getting defensive, envision yourself withdrawing and becoming a bystander who’s simply observing the conversation without personal involvement.
In situations like these, I imagine myself as a spiritual entity who’s watching people interact from above — rather like a Sims situation.
If you struggle to visualize, instead place your hand on your chest, take a breath, and internally ask the question: what would a neutral observer do in this instance?
By thinking like an impartial witness, you can remove all personal, emotional investment from the equation so you can look at the conversation dispassionately.
Without emotional involvement, you can then analyze what’s being said and respond calmly and rationally instead of getting upset or defensive.
Doing so de-escalates potential conflict, especially if the other person is intentionally trying to rile you up by criticizing you, judging you, or trying to make you feel vulnerable.
Those attempts to unbalance you fall flat when you don’t rise to their bait.
2. Seek to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
A quick and effective way to reroute your mind away from defensiveness and onto a more balanced foundation is to see things from the other person’s perspective. This works especially well when discussing delicate subjects with family members.
For example, let’s say your teenager accuses you of not being fun anymore.
You might get defensive because you’re exhausted from working hard to keep the family afloat. But take a moment to see where they’re coming from. What is the feeling behind their words?
If you can tap into this, you may see that they miss you, they don’t get to spend much time with you, and when you are around, you’re sad, stressed, or upset.
This young person hasn’t experienced the stress of adulthood: they just know that they miss having fun with you.
Trying to connect to and empathize with the feelings behind their words can instantly evaporate your defensiveness so the two of you can find a place where you can understand and support each other.
3. Take a few moments to analyze why you’re being so affected.
Or as the kids say, “triggered.”
We’re far more likely to get defensive when we’re working at a deficit. Have you had enough sleep recently? Are you hungry? Or dealing with caffeine withdrawal? When was the last time you exercised or were intimate with your partner?
Many different lifestyle issues can contribute to defensiveness. As such, when you catch yourself getting defensive, take a mental step back to consider the overall picture.
Are you defensive because the other person is actually attacking you? Or do you feel like you’re being attacked because you’re worn down, anxious, or less stable than you usually are?
By doing this and finding a firm answer, you can remain clear-headed and respond fairly rather than reactively.
4. Determine whether you’re responding to the current situation, or to something that happened in the past.
More often than not, when a person gets defensive in a conversation, it’s due to past experiences rather than what’s unfolding in the present.
For instance, if someone’s partner asks them to soak dirty dishes in the sink rather than leaving them, they might have a negative, knee-jerk reaction because their parents yelled at them or punished them for subpar housework in their youth.
As such, try to remain present when something like this happens and see the exchange for what it is, rather than letting past hurts enter the equation.
Focus entirely on the here and now, as well as what the other person’s intention was.
In the example above, the partner is simply asking their equal partner for teamwork in preventing dishes from rotting in the sink. They are not being critical or treating their partner like a subordinate.
5. Reflect upon whether your defensiveness is coming from a place of fear, and then try to let go of that fear.
Our brains treat emotional pain, criticism, and correction in the same way as they treat potential physical dangers. And people who grew up in unsafe or unstable environments are often hypersensitive to potential pain, including abuse or abandonment.
As a result, whenever conflict arises, their natural tendency is to protect themselves because they’re terrified of what might happen next.
If these feelings arise for you during difficult conversations, take a moment to take stock of your surroundings. Recognize that you’re not in danger, and then reassure yourself with a phrase, mantra, or image that comforts you.
I find the Bene Gesserit “litany against fear” from Dune to be immensely helpful in situations like these. In fact, I have a framed copy of it on my wall, and turn to it whenever anxiety arises:
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
6. Let the other person know that you need a moment to consider things.
Calm communication is vital in conversations and arguments. As such, if you feel you’re getting defensive, tell the other person that you need to take a walk or have a breather to gather your thoughts.
That way, you can continue from a place of groundedness and clarity rather than being reactionary.
A lot of people want to get uncomfortable conversations over and done with as quickly as possible. As a result, they may end up saying things that they regret later, because they’re reacting defensively instead of responding thoughtfully and rationally.
In contrast, taking time to consider your responses allows you to maintain your calm and come from a place of clear-headedness and fairness rather than a place of fear and discomfort.
7. Establish and defend your boundaries.
Many people get defensive when approached about things in their private lives that they aren’t willing to discuss. And they have every right not to discuss those things: that’s part of what comes with being an adult — the right to personal privacy.
If you find yourself getting defensive because someone wants to talk about things that you’d prefer to keep to yourself, remember that you don’t have to engage with it.
Simply establish that this topic is not up for discussion, and that’s the end of it. Don’t get angry: simply be firm.
Most people will try to press you when you do this because they don’t like being on the other side of the boundary wall. If they do, a sentence such as this one is excellent for re-affirming that boundary:
“I have already answered this, and I am not repeating myself.”
Of course, being an adult also means knowing when some things do need to be discussed, even when you’d rather not. For example, if you’re in a relationship and it’s something your partner needs to know because it affects them.
But if it doesn’t affect them, it’s really not their concern.
8. Aim for fair accountability, and be honest about where you are in making it happen.
We all mess up on occasion. In fact, a very wise person once said: “To err is human, and so is covering it up.”
If you know that you’ve done something that you’re not particularly proud of, but you don’t have the resources to make reparations just yet, then it’s understandable that you’d get defensive when confronted about the topic.
In fact, many people may feel the inclination to evade the consequences of their poor behavior by trying to justify it, blame someone else, or hide behind victimhood to avoid accountability.
Instead of taking that defensive route, remain calm. Acknowledge clearly that you have some amends to take care of, and also acknowledge that you aren’t in a position to do so properly at the moment.
You’d be amazed how understanding other people can be when you’re vulnerable and honest with them instead of trying to squirm your way out of an uncomfortable confrontation.
9. Recognize that this discussion is not a threat to your personal power.
Some people get defensive and angry when they feel that a conversation may be a threat to their personal power or status.
For example, a parent whose adult child wants to talk to them about some unfairness in their past may get immediately defensive. They’ll insist that they were doing the best they could, and insist that the child should respect them instead of bringing up issues from the distant past to make them feel bad.
In a situation like this, remember that no one is trying to usurp you, one-up you, or otherwise disempower you.
Instead, recognize that you’re having a discussion with another human being who’s trying to find resolution. There is no threat to you here: just an opportunity to work with another to find the best outcome possible.
Final thoughts…
If you learned in childhood that making mistakes was dangerous, and you were punished for being imperfect, then it’s understandable that your go-to reaction to difficult conversations is defensiveness.
By putting the strategies mentioned here into regular practice, you can move past this knee-jerk response so you can discuss challenging topics with calmness and fairness.
You’ll gain more confidence because you can maintain control over your responses, and others will admire and respect your ability to maintain your cool in a storm.
