You may be surprised to learn just how many people stay in an unhappy situation rather than taking a risk on the unknown.
There are people who stay in unhappy, unfulfilling relationships because they’re afraid of being alone.
Then there are people who stay in bad jobs for similar reasons. They don’t look for a different job because they’re familiar with the one they have.
And there are people who have a situation that no longer works for them, but they stay in it because, “What if it doesn’t work out?”
Are you one of those people? These are six signs that will help you determine whether or not you’re stuck.
6 signs you’re choosing an unhappy life over an unknown one:
1. You’re more afraid of change than you are unhappy.
You may be fully aware that your life isn’t what you want it to be. You may know that the relationship is bad for you, the job is toxic, or you’re living the wrong kind of life.
However, you may feel so afraid of the unknown that it keeps you from making those changes. You may also opt to procrastinate to avoid making a decision rather than rocking the boat.
Change is hard, but it is much easier to navigate when you can accept it as a natural part of life.
Everything changes, every minute of every day. You are not the same person you were a minute ago, whether you want to be or not.
The real decision that you’re faced with is this: are you going to be the captain of your own ship, or are you going to let yourself be blown around by the winds of fate?
2. You keep finding reasons why it’s not a good time.
I’ve spent most of my life living with severe bipolar depression. I spent a long time stuck in a negative mental space, unhappy with my life because that’s all I could envision.
Procrastination was a big part of that. Could I have bettered myself years before I finally made the decision to do it? Yes, I could have, but I kept convincing myself it wasn’t the right time.
Here’s the reality of the situation: there’s rarely a “right” time.
Granted, there are some situations that aren’t so easy to extricate yourself from. Like, if you’re in a bad relationship and you have kids, you may not be able to just up and leave. I understand that situations like that certainly exist. However, a lot of people aren’t being held back by anything other than themselves and their fear of uncertainty.
3. You are confusing predictability with safety and security.
It’s common for people to stay in bad situations because they are predictable. It gives them a false sense of security to comfort themselves from the unknown.
Take an abusive relationship, for example. Some people get so used to being treated badly that they either come to believe they deserve it, or that they can’t do better.
They trap themselves by thinking things like, “What if the next person treats me worse? At least with him, it’s the evil I’m familiar with, and I won’t have to be alone.”
But they never give the same kind of consideration to the question of, “But what if someone treats me far better?”
It’s much harder to envision positivity coming from uncertainty.
4. You are spending more time imagining what could go wrong rather than what could go right.
To continue the previous idea, what do you find yourself thinking about? How do you find yourself thinking about it?
Is the unknown a big scary place where X, Y, and Z could all easily go wrong? Or is the unknown a vast potential where A, B, and C could be AMAZING?
It’s much easier to think negatively about the unknown; as humans we’re wired for it, and it can become especially problematic if you’ve had a lot of struggles in life.
But in my own mental health journey with depression, one thing I’ve learned is that the way we think about things matters.
For a long time, depression colored everything in my life with a brush of black paint. Life was big, scary, unknown, and full of things that could go wrong. I was extremely familiar with that.
I had to learn that life can be amazing too, but only if you embrace uncertainty and give it the opportunity to be.
5. You mistake preparation for action.
This is not to be confused with analysis paralysis, which is what happens when you are so stuck in your own research or preparation that you can’t make a decision.
The difference here is that you could make a decision, but instead of taking action, you just keep preparing to take action.
That may look like, “Oh, I just need more time to do X.” or “Okay, next Monday, I’m going to start that diet.” or “I’ll have that difficult talk with my partner this weekend.”
But then it never happens.
All of that preparation is just a fancier version of procrastination. Preparation can give you the illusion of making progress, but you’re not going to go anywhere unless you take the action that you’re preparing for.
If you find that you’ve been perpetually preparing to make a change, but never quite making it, there’s a good chance you’re unconsciously choosing the familiarity of an unhappy life over the uncertainty of a different one.
6. You tell yourself that your life isn’t bad enough to change it.
What happens when you’re stuck in the middle? When you’re not completely miserable, but you’re not exactly happy either?
Life is like that sometimes. It’s a difficult, nuanced position to be in because you need to decide whether or not to keep working on what you’ve got or whether to make a change.
Consider a relationship.
Jasmine is in a relationship with Robert. She feels distant and disconnected from Robert. He’s kind and nice, but kind and nice doesn’t necessarily make for a happy relationship. Robert treats her well, but is that enough?
There are a couple of ways she could approach the situation. She could:
* Do nothing at all and just stay in a mediocre relationship that doesn’t fulfill her needs.
* Tell Robert that she’s unhappy, and ask them to work on it together.
* Break up with Robert and try to find happiness elsewhere.
The “right” choice is going to come down to the specifics of the circumstances.
A lot of people fall into a rut in their relationships, often around year seven or so. Long-term relationships have ups and downs. It isn’t just one everlasting love for the rest of your life. Instead, you’re choosing someone to fall in and out of love with as you go through life.
However, sometimes things can be so broken that a change has to happen.
What if Jasmine brings it up with Robert, and he just doesn’t care or refuses to work on it? Is she going to accept that and stay in a familiar, unhappy relationship? Or is she going to say, “I deserve a partner who is as invested in loving me as I am in loving them,” and leave the relationship?
Yes, things may go badly if she chooses the uncertainty of the unknown. Her next partner may be terrible to her, or she may struggle to find a new romantic interest. On the other hand, things could go amazingly. She could find a love that lights up her life in entirely different ways, as could Robert.
Closing thoughts…
Life is full of challenging decisions. Sometimes, you find yourself at a crossroads with unhappy familiarity as one road, uncertainty the other.
The reality is that if you find yourself wondering which road to take, it’s probably time for some kind of change.
The challenge is determining whether that change is going to be a complete overhaul of your situation or not.
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but sometimes it’s necessary to take a leap into the unknown if you want to pursue a happy, fulfilled life.
