If you have a difficult relationship with your family, you may feel envious or resentful about your peers’ relationships with theirs.
Those of us who grew up in narcissistic, neglectful, or otherwise abusive family dynamics often daydreamed about what life might have been like with supportive, loving parents, kind siblings, protective grandparents, and so on.
Since you can’t magically conjure up the family you’ve always dreamed of, the next best thing is to grieve what you can never have and find peace with what you do. Here’s how.
8 ways to grieve the family you wish you’d had and make peace with what you got:
1. Have a funeral for your dream family.
This may sound a bit bizarre, but symbolic rituals are well-supported in grief therapy and can be remarkably effective for helping you heal and move on.
Write down exactly the type of family you would have wanted. Be as descriptive as possible. Write down all the scenarios you envisioned sharing with them, how you imagined life with them, etc.
If you find it helpful, include photographs or draw the family that you always dreamed of having.
Then, you can either bury them in the yard, seal them in a box, or shred them, along with everything you’ve written.
Don’t be surprised if you feel intensely emotional when this happens: permanently letting go of a dream can be incredibly painful. If it brings up anything you’re struggling to cope with, it would be best to seek out a trained therapist to do the work alongside.
Though it’s hard, it can also be cathartic to finally accept and make peace with the fact that this dream is never going to become a reality. In fact, doing so can be just what you need to move on.
2. Understand that your hope can harm you as much as their behavior.
The hopes and dreams that a person has about their family are understandable, but they’re ultimately a fantasy rather than reality.
As such, people often grieve the loss of their daydreams because of all the hope they invested in them.
They may know full well that their dreams were unlikely to ever come true, but the possibility that they could was what kept them going. Unfortunately, it also keeps them in situations that harm them.
Case in point: a friend of mine grew up in a terribly abusive family, and her younger sister (a very sensitive soul) was always lamenting that their home life wasn’t what she saw on her favorite happy family TV shows.
Even as an adult, she kept trying to force her parents and siblings to behave like the ones on Full House or Family Matters: loving, supportive individuals who had fun together and never fought, but that never happened.
The heartbreak of dissonance between what she dreamed of and the reality she had to deal with finally broke her, and she ended up spending several years in a psychiatric facility.
If you’ve spoken to your family about the dysfunction, and they’ve shown no interest (or attempts) to change it, it’s time to let go of the hope of change before it harms you further.
3. Build strong bonds with a chosen family.
There are two types of family that people can experience in life: the one they’re born to, and the one they create as they go.
If you don’t have a strong connection with your own family because there are too many differences or disconnects between you, then it’s better to accept that and focus on your chosen family instead.
For example, holiday get-togethers can be difficult if you and your family aren’t close. It’s completely normal to grieve the relationship you wish you had, and all the good feelings associated with it.
But instead, you can manifest all the things you enjoy with people who genuinely care about and connect with you.
Create new holiday rituals, and celebrate joyfully instead of walking on eggshells or negotiating unnecessary drama.
The reality of what you have with these chosen people is far more beautiful than the imaginary connections you wish you’d had with the family you were raised with.
4. Take space away from the noise.
It’s very hard to gain a true perspective of the situation when you’re immersed within it.
That’s why many people, when they’re grieving something deeply — such as the death of a partner or family member — go on a trip somewhere so they’re in entirely different surroundings.
If something has happened that finally made you come to terms with the fact that the family connection you’ve dreamed of will never happen, it’s time to take real distance from them.
This doesn’t have to be dramatic or expensive — even a weekend away, a few days with a friend, or simply reducing contact for a while can give you the clarity you need.
It’s often only with distance, away from the situation itself, that real clarity and peace can be found.
5. Talk to people whose family lives look like what you dreamed of.
Things often look far rosier from the outside than they are in reality. For instance, you might think that a friend of yours has a perfect family life, because that’s the image they have always projected, and that can make your grief even harder to bear.
However, by talking to that person and asking what their life is really like, you may discover that their picture-perfect domestic life isn’t what you thought it was.
For example, I always wished that I had a family like the one across the road from me when I was growing up. They seemed like the most loving, caring, well-adjusted family around.
It was only after reconnecting with one of the daughters in my twenties that I found out about the abuse, alcoholism, and control behind closed doors.
That’s not to say you should tolerate toxic family dynamics just because no one’s family is perfect, but rather to accept that your dream may not exist for anyone.
If something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
6. Communicate with the family members you do have a good relationship with.
If there are any relatives you do connect well with, then ask them if they’d be open to talking honestly with you about the relationship you have with your family.
A cousin, aunt, or grandparent may be able to offer you insights you hadn’t been aware of before, such as the reasons why some of your family members have behaved the way they do.
We’re rarely told about the ugliness that those closest to us experienced growing up and how it affected their personal development. Whilst this doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse or unhealthy dynamics, it can help you to understand that their behavior is more about them than you.
There is a reason intergenerational trauma is so hard to break.
As such, getting clarity about why they are the way they are can go a long way towards alleviating the pain you feel about not having had the family relationships you always wanted.
Knowing these details may be painful, but they can allow you to make peace with what you have and decide where you want to go from here.
7. Accept that nothing you can do can change another person.
One of the strongest types of grief you may experience is finally acknowledging that no matter how good you are, or how obedient, or how much you try to make things better, you cannot forcibly change a person who doesn’t want to change.
Some people bend over backwards for years in misguided attempts to encourage others to behave the way they want them to. But either they won’t, or they can’t.
For example, a friend of mine is currently grieving the death of the mother who spent the past 49 years telling her how much she hates her, despite her best efforts. She’s grieving the mother she always needed, rather than the one she had, which is completely valid.
If you’re facing a similar truth in your own life, it’s okay to grieve the version of someone you never got, but you don’t need to wait until they’ve died to do so.
You can only free yourself of your pain by accepting who they really are and letting go of who they aren’t.
8. Let go of old wounds and resentments.
People can be messed up for countless different reasons. So if you can, try to forgive them for being the broken, deeply flawed human beings that they are.
If forgiveness is too difficult, that’s ok. Instead, try to release the resentment you’re carrying — not for them, but for your own peace.
This doesn’t require reconciliation or excusing their behavior; it’s simply choosing not to let their actions define your emotional life anymore.
You may want or expect them to be other than what they are, but they can’t be. If you can accept this instead of perpetually wanting and expecting them to be what they’re not, then you can negotiate a way forward, possibly together, possibly apart.
You run the risk of remaining trapped in the grieving process, bitter and resentful, if you keep fixating upon all the reasons why your family members failed you and wishing that they’ll wake up and do better.
When you forgive them for the fact that they will never be better because they’re incapable of doing so, that grief — and the pain and anger associated with it — begins to alleviate.
Final thoughts…
With radical acceptance, you can get past the hurdle of grief to find a place of peaceful equilibrium.
Imagine that grief is a great abyss. By accepting the truth of the situation, you’re creating a rope bridge over that abyss in order to move forward with your life.
It may be scary to negotiate that bridge, especially if the other end is obscured by mist or fog and can’t be seen clearly. But trust the process, and allow yourself to grieve what you never had while slowly building upon the goodness you’ve created in your life.
