Few things are more annoying than dealing with someone whose ego is inflated. Yet people who behave this way usually do so because they are insecure. They feel the need to prove they are better than others because their ego is actually very fragile.
Self-assured, secure people just don’t need to make other people feel small to know they are of value. An egocentric person, on the other hand, feels the need to constantly prove it because they don’t accept or love themselves.
With that in mind, how do you handle these difficult people when their ego flares?
9 ways to deal with someone whose ego is totally out of control:
1. Stay calm. Do not match energy.
If you do nothing else, stay calm.
Why? Because in many cases, when you match energy with someone who is being difficult, they will turn it around and use it against you.
They will say, “Whoa, what are you so upset for? Why are you attacking me?” even though they’ve been hostile to you or the people around you the whole time. People with a fragile ego often lack self-reflection in that way.
I know it’s tempting to serve it back to them. In my younger years, that’s exactly what I did. But instead of making the situation better, it would either add gasoline to the fire and make it worse or cause the other person to turn the situation around on me. I’ve heard “There’s no reason to be rude” a few times.
If you match their energy, they will usually attempt to position themselves as the victim in the conversation by villainizing your anger, or they’ll try to reestablish dominance and just escalate further.
Matching ego and anger with ego and anger is a lose-lose situation.
2. Don’t try to win every argument.
An inflated ego can prevent someone from seeing reason. It actually requires a healthy degree of self-acceptance to not only see when you’re wrong, but be willing to change your mind. And admitting you’re wrong in front of other people is no small feat, because some people will try to use it against you.
It helps to identify when someone is incapable of changing their mind before you engage in an argument with them. Some people will simply never admit they’re wrong. They’re committed to their opinion, and they will go down on a sinking ship with it.
There is little point in wasting your breath arguing with this person. Just let them be wrong, and move on.
3. Set clear and healthy boundaries.
I used to think that boundaries were like walls. Now, I view them more like a filter. A boundary is a statement of, “I expect you to have this kind of behavior if you want access to me.” Stating that boundary gives other people the choice as to whether they abide by it or not.
Healthy boundaries are crucial in all relationships, but they are particularly important when you’re dealing with difficult people.
You must clearly outline what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior to you and stick to it. Don’t explain yourself unnecessarily. Sure, if the other person is making a genuine effort to understand your boundaries, then it may be worth having the conversation.
But what you’ll often find is that difficult people aren’t trying to understand your boundaries to honor them. Instead, they are seeking to debate or find a way around them.
Don’t get sucked into that trap. Decide what you’re willing to tolerate, what’s unacceptable, and stick to it.
4. Don’t feed their need for attention.
A fragile ego often fuels attention-seeking behavior. A person with a fragile ego is often looking for other people to give them attention to fill whatever hole they have inside them.
As with toddlers, these people will often view any attention as being good attention. As such, if you get angry and engage, you may be giving them exactly what they want.
Instead, treat them like you would treat an angry toddler who was trying to get your attention. Don’t reward bad behavior with your emotional energy or attention. Keep your replies short, and remove yourself from the situation if you’re able to.
The only way to win is to choose not to play, like choosing not to engage with a crabby toddler.
5. Stick to the facts and avoid personal attacks.
It’s important to keep any conversation grounded in facts.
Don’t take the bait if they start getting upset or begin personal attacks. A personal attack is a sure sign that someone either knows or can’t accept that they’re wrong, and it becomes much easier to brush off when you can view it as a sign that the other person has lost the argument.
A person who has a good argument sticks to the facts and the matter at hand. A person with a bad argument will want to distract you and onlookers from the argument because they know it’s weak.
So just stay on task. A simple, “What does (my quality) have to do with (whatever the argument is)? That doesn’t seem related” will do the trick.
6. Call out disrespectful behavior directly.
As a young man, I would stoop to the level of others. If you were civil to me, then I was civil to you. If you wanted to go low with me, I would meet you there or go even lower, depending on how self-destructive I was feeling.
What I did not understand at the time is that I shouldn’t take another person’s bad behavior as permission to also be bad. It’s not a healthy way to conduct oneself.
Instead, what you want to do is call out their behavior directly if you feel safe to do so. “I don’t appreciate being called stupid.” “I don’t appreciate your insinuation that I am stupid.” “I don’t appreciate your anger. Perhaps we should circle back to this later?”
You don’t need to be insulting or combative about it. Approach the situation calmly and coolly so they can’t flip it against you.
7. Don’t take their behavior personally.
I’ve touched on it a couple of times, but it’s worth pointing out directly: don’t take their behavior personally, because their behavior is not about you.
A person with healthy self-esteem and self-worth can accept when they’re wrong. They can accept they don’t know things. And even if they do get a little in their feelings from time to time, they can usually admit when they’re wrong later.
An egocentric person who becomes difficult to talk to is a wounded person. Those kinds of mental and emotional injuries often come from places like trauma, abuse, and neglect.
Nowadays, instead of being angry and frustrated, I mostly find myself sympathetic to them. I can’t imagine how deeply unhappy they must be with themselves to act that way.
8. Know when to walk away from the situation.
Ask yourself, “Are we still having a productive conversation?” If the answer is no, then it may be time to break away from the conversation and move on with your day.
You cannot argue with someone who has decided that they are committed to being wrong. Just let them be wrong, and move on from the situation.
Your peace of mind and emotional health will thank you for it.
9. Stop seeking their approval.
Don’t let someone’s sense of self-importance define how you feel about yourself. As I’ve established, strong egos tend to come from poor self-esteem and self-worth. They are often overcompensating for something that is lacking in themselves.
You cannot use that person’s perception of you as any kind of measuring stick because it’s not an unbiased opinion.
Not that I’m saying you should use anyone’s opinion of you as a measuring stick, but definitely don’t use an ego-driven person’s.
In a perfect world, everyone would be happy with themselves based on who they are – but we don’t live in a perfect world. In this world, many people still look to others for approval. If that’s you, don’t let an egocentric person make you feel small.
Closing thoughts…
In my younger years, I engaged in a lot of petty conflicts with difficult people. I had the mindset of, “If you’re going to treat me badly, I’ll act just as badly back to you.”
It was the wrong thing to do. I later realized it reflected poorly on my character, often served no purpose, and just made my own mental health worse.
Still, we can’t always avoid difficult people in life. Sometimes, we just have to tolerate them long enough for them to lose interest and go away. If you don’t feed back into them, they will eventually look for another source of validation.
