Self-deception is a comfortable blanket to curl up in. We all do it in various ways because it serves to both rationalize events and soothe our minds about whatever has happened.
Conflict-avoidant people, however, do it for a very particular reason, often without even realizing they are doing it.
They are often masters of self-deception who manage to find justifications for all the ways others mistreat them, specifically so that they don’t have to take any risks by confronting those individuals.
The following lies are some of the most common ones they tell themselves to explain away and rationalize the harm and mistreatment they receive, and if they sound familiar to you, it’s worth gently exploring that further.
8 lies people tell themselves to avoid conflict and justify tolerating mistreatment instead:
1. “It’s nobler to be the bigger person.”
Conflict-avoidant people sometimes use self-righteousness as a shield to hide behind. Instead of taking action to defend or stand up for themselves, they insist that they’re being the “bigger, better person” by turning the other cheek and allowing others to hurt them.
They try to convince themselves that this is a sign of immense personal strength rather than fearfulness and not wanting to rock the boat.
But when a person accepts mistreatment without making it clear that such behavior is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated, they give the other person full permission to keep treating them shamefully.
Furthermore, it sends the message that everyone else’s happiness and comfort are more important than the wronged individual’s well-being, and it teaches impressionable others to absorb that message too.
2. “This problem will resolve itself.”
Many people avoid confronting those who mistreat them because they keep telling themselves that this issue will disappear on its own.
It never does, though: it just gets set aside, where it accumulates with all the other unresolved issues they choose to avoid dealing with.
It’s a classic avoidance strategy that reduces anxiety in the moment and lets someone escape the discomfort of confrontation, but it doesn’t actually solve the underlying issue that just continues to fester.
It’s kind of like someone who ignores a new, strange-looking dark spot on their skin because it should just disappear on its own. That rarely goes well either.
The main reason why conflict-avoidant people do this is that they feel intense amounts of distress during arguments and misunderstandings, often because they grew up in environments where conflict felt threatening or unsafe. As a result, experiencing conflict makes them feel genuinely scared and insecure.
By dissociating or telling themselves that the issue will resolve on its own, they can choose to remain in a place of emotional safety, despite the reality of what’s unfolding around them.
3. “They’re family.”
While this one obviously applies to immediate family members like parents, spouses, siblings, and adult children, it can also extend to those in their social circles who are adopted family members (or close enough to be considered so).
Many people tolerate mistreatment from these people that they would never put up with from anyone else. They’ve been programmed to believe that because they share DNA or strong ties with an individual, it gives that person free rein to treat them as horribly as they like.
I remember talking to a friend of mine about all the extremely valid reasons why I had gone no-contact with my own relatives (abandonment, abuse, betrayal, etc.), and his response was to admonish me for the estrangement.
In his view, “family” meant tolerating disrespect and cruelty because DNA binds you to your parents. Many others share this perspective and keep lying to themselves about how loyalty and love require them to maintain the facade of unity, even at the expense of their own personal well-being.
4. “I’m just overreacting. It’s really not that big a deal.”
Those who have had their thoughts and emotions invalidated repeatedly throughout their lives often learn to dismiss their own feelings the same way that others do.
Every time they got upset about something horrible someone did to them, they were mocked and told they were being oversensitive, overdramatic, and so on. And now, they do the same thing to themselves.
Even when they can see quite clearly that someone is treating them atrociously, they’ll lie to themselves and insist that it’s their own issue; that they’re overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing. Unfortunately, this just gives their tormentor a free pass to continue hurting them indefinitely.
5. “They’re actually really sweet — they’re just having a bad day.”
A quick scan through Reddit’s relationship pages will provide you with endless examples of people posting about the most horrendous things their partners have done to them, while simultaneously insisting that their partners are actually really sweet, kind, and wonderful to be around.
They’re “the best partners ever, really!” except when they’re not.
Conflict-avoidant people don’t just lie to themselves when they say things like this; they also lie to those around them.
For example, they might complain bitterly to friends and family members about the mistreatment they endure at the hands of their partner, but will then defend their partner fiercely if anyone they’ve complained to says something negative about them.
In fact, they might even draw away from those who try to protect them from the mistreatment, choosing to stand beside their abusive partner as an act of unflinching devotion.
They do this with the fervent lie to themselves that one day, their partner will wake up and realize just how amazing they are.
They won’t.
Not because the individual isn’t amazing and worthy of being treated with respect, but because their partner isn’t capable of giving it.
6. “If I keep treating them wonderfully and loving them unconditionally, they’ll realize how great I am and start reciprocating.”
Love is very rarely unconditional. And that’s ok.
This is because respectful boundaries and parameters should exist in every healthy relationship. Implying that you’ll keep loving someone no matter how badly they treat you or how horribly they act in general gives them carte blanche to behave shamefully.
Essentially, if you give a nefarious person an inch, they won’t just take a mile — they’ll take the entire neighborhood.
It’s a sad reality that sometimes those who mistreat others enjoy having power over them. They enjoy the stress and tension that they cause, and if they don’t meet any resistance, they intensify their attacks.
Even those who don’t have malicious intentions may end up taking more than their fair share in relationships if you don’t set and enforce boundaries, because without boundaries, they just don’t know your limits.
Either way, this invariably results in the conflict-avoidant individual getting damaged, as they can’t understand why their attempts at unconditional loving kindness are never, ever reciprocated.
7. “I’ve had an easier and more privileged life than them, so I don’t have the right to be upset.”
Conflict-avoidant people often try to find any explanation possible to justify their mistreatment. And while it’s true that those who have experienced damage in the past tend to hurt others in turn, that doesn’t actually justify their behavior.
It can explain it, definitely, but it doesn’t give them the right to lash out and punish everyone around them for the rest of their life.
Yet people who dislike conflict will tell themselves that whatever difficulties they might have experienced pale in comparison to whatever the other person has been through and, as a result, they don’t have a “right” to be upset or angry about the mistreatment.
Everyone has a right to be upset and speak up about mistreatment.
Whilst it’s noble to be compassionate to the struggles of others, it’s not noble to tolerate mistreatment because someone had a rough time in the past, particularly if it’s at least in part being used as an excuse to avoid confrontation.
8. “Calling them out on their behavior won’t change anything.”
One reason why people may be conflict-avoidant is that it’s what they were modeled in childhood. Many grew up in family environments where the only response to mistreatment from someone was encouragement to “just ignore them.”
Furthermore, if anyone around them did admonish the wrongdoer, it wasn’t done seriously. It might have been a comment like “oh, that wasn’t nice!” followed by a chuckle to keep the peace and take the sting out of their words — even if they were completely deserved.
Naturally, if someone is reprimanded playfully rather than seriously and receives no consequences for their poor actions, there’s no incentive for them to change their ways, so they don’t.
The result of this is that the observant child grows up thinking that calling someone out on awful behavior won’t actually change a thing. They internalize this and use it as an excuse to justify tolerating mistreatment in their own adult life.
Even if they observe others reprimanding poor behavior and getting positive results, they feel that if they do the same thing, nothing will change. So there’s no point in even trying.
Final thoughts…
Many conflict-avoidant people are the way they are because their formative years were spent in unsafe or unstable environments.
They learned that speaking up about problems led to greater distress, so they focused on dissociation and self-deception, often unconsciously, to alleviate their own stress and anxiety, instead of developing conflict resolution skills.
Rather than risking potential harm to fix the problems permanently, they lie to themselves, often without realizing it, in the pursuit of comfort and reassurance.
Unfortunately, this approach just leads to anger, resentment, and even poor health, because those underlying problems are never actually addressed or resolved.
As always, bringing this habit to conscious awareness is going to be the first crucial step in beginning to overcome it.
