It would be great if the difficult truths we choose to avoid would just disappear if we didn’t pay attention to them, wouldn’t it?
But alas, life doesn’t work that way. The longer we try to evade the unavoidable truths lurking in the shadows, the greater they grow in strength and ferocity.
If you’ve been avoiding yours for a while, you may be confused about how to go about confronting and dealing with them. Thankfully, the methods listed below can act as a map to help you do exactly that.
How to confront the unavoidable truths lurking in the shadows of your life:
1. Determine areas where you’re lying both to yourself and to others.
Many of us put on a brave face and pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t. This happens often when we can’t face difficult truths about our lives, or when we feel obligated to do so to keep the peace.
A classic example of this is playing “happy families” for the sake of maintaining appearances, especially at special occasions. After all, nobody wants to make grandma cry over the Christmas dinner by bringing up long-standing family tensions or uncomfortable truths during what’s supposed to be a happy occasion.
As such, you might be choosing to remain silent about something that happened in the past, or even something that’s going on in your present.
You may even try to convince yourself that whatever it is isn’t that bad. Essentially, by invalidating your own memories or casting doubt upon what is occurring, it’s easier to disassociate and pretend that everything is okay.
The problem with this is that it doesn’t solve the issue, nor does it make the underlying problem or any associated trauma disappear. If anything, it can make the situation worse.
To determine where you are doing this, journaling can be incredibly powerful. I know I mention it a lot, but it really is an effective way to navigate difficult thoughts and emotions.
This is because putting your thoughts and emotions down on paper creates something called “cognitive distance.” Essentially, by observing and naming your thoughts, you can observe and respond to them rather than reacting to them emotionally.
As such, use a notebook or journal and write down all the thoughts and memories that come to mind about these situations. If thoughts keep intruding during the day or appearing as dreams when you sleep, jot them down. Those are likely the ones that need to be addressed as a priority.
2. Be as detailed as possible, even if it’s difficult.
As you’re writing out the things that have been haunting you, be as detailed as possible about these memories. Include things like scents you recall, who else might have been around, what you were feeling, and so on.
It’s important that you include times when you’ve tried to confront the difficulties you’ve experienced, but were dismissed or gaslit about it.
For example, perhaps you tried to talk to your parents about your upbringing, and they told you that you were imagining things, or got mad at you. Or maybe you’ve spent years tolerating mistreatment from your partner, but every time you bring it up, they tell you that you’re just “too sensitive.”
Even though they’re painful to confront, remembering details like this can be quite helpful because they help you get to the reality of the situation, not the story others have been telling you (or that you have been telling yourself).
3. Determine areas of cognitive dissonance or hypocrisy in your life.
The truths we avoid don’t just hide in our thoughts; they often reveal themselves in the gap between what we believe and how we live.
As such, though it’s not easy, it’s important to look into the dark shadows you’ve been avoiding to find any areas of cognitive dissonance or hypocrisy.
For example, perhaps you tell yourself that family is your highest priority, yet your career consistently takes up the majority of your time and energy. Or maybe you’re horrified by the reality of animal cruelty, but you still eat meat.
Once you’ve taken a good look at these shadows, ask what you can reasonably do about them.
For example, if you can’t fully switch to a plant-based diet for health reasons, then can you choose to support local, ethical farmers instead of the industrial meat industry? You may not be able to finish work dead on 5 pm, but can you set a boundary that you won’t check emails between 6- 8 pm, etc.
4. Own actions you took in the past, even though it’s difficult to do so.
Those of us who have done questionable — even really horrible things — in the past would be much happier if we could pretend those things never happened.
And so some of us do.
Some individuals refuse to talk about anything that happened because they can’t bear to accept the effects their actions had on others. Others choose to ghost the ones they hurt in an attempt to leave their pasts in the past.
But the problem with doing so is that refusing to be accountable doesn’t make things any better. Nor does trying to make excuses or place the blame on others.
Feeling guilty is hard, but it can be beneficial, because that means you have empathy. This offers you the opportunity to learn from past missteps, make amends if you can, and make choices in the future that better align with your truth.
As an aside, do try to forgive yourself for things you may have done before you knew better, or if you did awful things in the throes of PTSD or other severe distress. This doesn’t make you a cruel, terrible person.
It is like a toddler pulling wings off flies — a cruel act, yes, but an act taken long before the capacity for cognitive perspective-taking and informed empathy you have now.
5. Tackle one truth at a time.
If there are a number of difficult-but-unavoidable truths lurking around you, then you may feel too overwhelmed to even look at them, let alone determine a path forward through them.
This is why it’s important to remember that in the same way that we climb mountains by taking one small step at a time, we can work through difficulties bit by bit as well.
If you’re unsure where to begin, determine which of the truths you’ve been avoiding will have the greatest cost to you if you don’t address this now. Which will most rapidly escalate in size and strength, like dirty dishes piling up in and around the sink?
Make the decision to face that one truth and do your best to address it. That becomes one issue you can then cross off the list. Furthermore, the satisfaction and self-confidence you’ll get by tackling it can give you more strength to work through the next one.
6. Talk to trusted friends.
True, trusted friends are invaluable for many reasons, but one of the greatest gifts they can give you is honesty. These are people who love and support you, and you can trust one another on many levels.
If you talk to them about some of the things you’ve been trying to avoid, you can trust them to give you real insight about what’s going on from their perspective. They may have invaluable experiences or advice on all manner of uncomfortable truths, from problem drinking to health concerns to relationship troubles and everything in between.
Allow them to point out your weak spots, whatever those might be, and listen to their advice. Keep in mind that it may be difficult to hear what they tell you, especially if you’ve been living in denial for a long time, but remember that it’s worth listening and taking on board all the same.
You don’t have to act on it immediately, or at all, if you decide it’s not the right advice for your situation, so long as you have truly heard and considered it.
7. Work with a therapist to navigate difficulties.
Remember that there is no shame in seeking therapy if the things you’re having difficulty facing are really difficult and potentially harmful to confront alone.
Sometimes, the truths we have been avoiding can be like opening Pandora’s box: they have the potential to trigger a cascade of effects that may impact various aspects of your life.
A therapist can be like your personal bomb disposal professional who can help you open up without falling apart. They’re trained specifically to help people navigate difficulties, which is invaluable because most of us simply don’t have the tools and techniques we need to get through them alone.
Final thoughts…
The truths you’ve been trying to avoid don’t all have to be resolved at once. Rather than seeing this as an impossible task that will never improve, try to view it as a healing process instead — like recovering from a bad burn.
We generally try to rush our way through painful experiences or attempt to evade them altogether, because we want to avoid discomfort, but the healing process itself can teach us a great deal.
Working through the unavoidable truths that have been lurking in the shadows can grant you greater insight about yourself, teach you new coping strategies, and pave the way for a healthier, stronger future.
