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“Why Am I So Hard To Love?” – 20 Reasons And Solutions

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Why is it difficult to love you? That’s the question on your mind.

You have realized that you’re hard to love, or someone told you that and got you worried.

What is it about you that makes dating you a challenge? Naturally, you want to fix whatever it is and become the type of person who is easy to love and who can have a happy love life. That’s great!

Below are some reasons why you might be hard to love with solutions that you could try.

But before you begin reading, this is important: no one is perfect and no one is easy to love all of the time. Relationships have their good moments and their bad moments and there will be times when your partner finds it hard to love you, and you them.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to change every aspect of who you are. Use this list as a starting point for personal growth and development to improve the chances of your current or future relationship being more happy than they are challenging (because it’s always a mix of both).

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you explore the feeling of being hard to love and work on the issues you identify. You may want to try speaking to someone via for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

1. You’re overly independent.

Being independent is great. However, people who have relied only on themselves for a long time find it difficult to rely on their partner in a relationship. This can cause problems and make it hard for the relationship to work. Your partner wants you to be your true independent self; they just don’t feel needed. And that’s a problem. Feeling needed is a part of feeling like a team, a partnership. And that’s what a couple should be.

How to fix this:

Learn to rely on your partner more. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and turn to them when you could use some advice. Talk to them and hear their opinion before making big decisions, even some small ones like picking a restaurant. Let them take care of the bill, drive you home, and do anything else that will make them feel more useful to you. Make them feel needed and let them take care of you sometimes.

2. You’re not letting your guard down.

Instead of building bridges, you build walls around yourself to protect yourself from getting hurt. You don’t let your guard down in a relationship, and this makes it difficult to love you. Maybe your bad past experiences taught you that it’s better not to trust people, but thinking that way is not good for you. You can’t have a real relationship if you keep holding back. Your partner won’t feel like they know you, and you don’t let them get close to you.

How to fix this:

Try to trust your partner enough to open up to them. You can start by talking about the happy memories from your past, your goals, and your passions. Learn to talk about feelings too. Your partner can’t read your mind, so it’s your job to let them know what’s going on in your head. Let them get close to you and really get to know you for who you really are.

3. You don’t think you’re good enough.

Maybe the reason why your partner finds it hard to love you is that you don’t love yourself. Maybe you think that you don’t even deserve love and that you’re not good enough. You engage in negative self-talk, and you’re your own biggest critic. This needs to stop if you want to be happy and have the love life that you deserve, and you do deserve it. You’re the only one who’s standing in your way.

How to fix this:

Love yourself so that others could love you. Engage in positive self-talk and practice self-care. Do more of the things that you enjoy doing and improve things about yourself that you don’t like so much. When you talk about yourself, don’t say anything that you wouldn’t say about someone you love. When you think about it, loving yourself is the only thing that makes sense. Otherwise, you are highly unlikely to find the happiness that you deserve to have in your life.

Related reading: If You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough For Him/Her, Read This

4. You think love is a weakness.

Who told you that feelings are a sign of weakness? This is certainly not true, and you are allowed to feel things and express what you’re feeling. It doesn’t make you weak, it only makes you human. Love is a beautiful thing, so why would you forbid yourself from feeling it and expressing it? Your partner finds it hard to love you because they don’t feel loved by you.

How to fix this:

Don’t be afraid to love your partner and show them that love. Feelings are not a sign of weakness, they’re a sign that you’re alive and living your life to the fullest. Let go of any limiting beliefs that are standing in the way of your happiness. You are allowed to feel things, and you should share with the world how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with that, and sometimes it takes incredible strength to love and be loved.

Related reading: 19 Ways To Make Someone Feel Important, Special, And Loved

5. You have a negative attitude.

Maybe you see the bad in everything and always think of the worst possible outcome. You constantly complain, and nothing seems to be good enough for you. You have an overall negative attitude that makes it hard for people to love you. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly in a dark mood. It’s okay to talk about your problems sometimes. But, if you’re constantly talking about them, it can wear the other person down.

How to fix this:

Try to adopt a more positive mindset and look for the silver lining in things. Look at things from the bright side and choose more positive conversation topics. Don’t just complain all the time or only talk about your problems. There are a lot of good things that you could talk about. If you make an effort to do so, you’ll start noticing more good things too. Try to be more optimistic, even when it’s difficult. Smile more often and try to contribute to other people’s happiness.

6. You’re not willing to compromise.

Do you always have to get things your way? If you’re not willing to compromise, you’ll have problems in your relationship regardless of who your partner is. Compromises are necessary when you’re a couple, even when it comes to small things like picking a restaurant. You need to be willing to make compromises with the big things too. If your partner constantly has to do what you want instead, they aren’t going to be happy with you.

How to fix this:

Learn to compromise! Let your partner get their way sometimes and always search for a way to meet them in the middle. Sometimes, neither of you will get what you want. However, even that’s better than only one of you getting what you want all the time. Be willing to do what your partner wants. Come up with compromises so that both of you could get at least partly what you wanted.

Related reading: How And When To Compromise In Your Relationship (+ When Not To)

7. You criticize a lot, and you can’t take compliments.

No one wants to be around someone who constantly criticizes them. If you constantly point out your partner’s mistakes and shortcomings, it makes sense that you’re hard to love. You’re supposed to make your partner feel good about themselves, not bad. Maybe you never give them compliments, and you don’t know how to receive compliments yourself. This is another problem that you should work on to have a more fulfilling love life.

How to fix this:

Replace criticism with compliments. Instead of pointing out your partner’s flaws, highlight everything that’s good about them. People like those who make them feel good about themselves. Learn to give and receive compliments because this could make it much easier to love you. Compliments aren’t supposed to make you feel awkward or embarrassed. They should make you realize that others notice your positive qualities.

8. You sabotage your relationships.

Obviously, it’s hard to love you if you sabotage your relationships. Whether consciously or unconsciously, you are dooming your relationships all on your own. There could be many ways you’re doing this, one of which is avoiding intimacy. If you rarely talk about your feelings, you might have a fear of intimacy. Perhaps you find it difficult to commit or stay faithful to your partner. Perhaps you have trust issues instead. There are hundreds of ways to sabotage your relationships. So if all of your relationships failed because of your behavior or attitude, talk to a therapist to identify what exactly you are doing and how to stop. Don’t lose your partner just because you might have unresolved issues from the past.

How to fix this:

Try to be honest with your partner and talk to them about your tendency to sabotage your relationships. It would be best to try talking to a therapist together to overcome this. It can also help to learn about attachment styles. Understanding your and your partner’s attachment style could help you improve your relationship. The solution to your problem mostly depends on the way you’re sabotaging your relationships. So, try to identify these ways with the help of your partner and possibly a therapist.

Relationship Hero is a website where you can speak to an expert who has dealt with and helped couples in similar situations before. And you can do so from wherever you are in the world via video, phone, or instant message.

9. You have a difficult personality.

The answer might be simple – it’s difficult to love you because you have a difficult personality. Maybe you lack empathy, you’re manipulative, aggressive, suspicious, or you think you’re better than everyone else. These are negative personality traits that many difficult people have. Of course, your partner should love you despite your flaws, but these things are difficult to tolerate. How could your partner love you if you are hostile, rude, and exploit others?

How to fix this:

You should dedicate some time to self-improvement if you have a difficult personality. Don’t make it harder for people to like you by distrusting them, manipulating them, or acting like you’re better than them. Work on these things to become a better, more lovable version of yourself. Your partner will surely appreciate your efforts to change and show you support.

10. You are too needy.

Are you too needy? Maybe you rely on your partner too much. You expect them to take care of you, do things for you, and check in with you every few minutes. This can make it difficult for their positive feelings for you to shine through. No one likes to be with a person who constantly needs something from them. While your partner wants to feel needed, they don’t want to have to take care of everything for you. You’ll have to learn to meet your own needs.

How to fix this:

Start taking care of your own needs instead of relying on your partner to do it for you. Your happiness shouldn’t depend on them, and you should be able to take care of yourself and meet your own needs. Once you’re already doing everything that you can do on your own, people will be more willing to help you out with things that you can’t handle on your own.

Related reading: 18 Ways To Stop Being Clingy And Needy In A Relationship

11. You don’t respect other people’s privacy.

Maybe you’re just curious, but when you find yourself violating your partner’s privacy, you take things too far. You don’t have to know everything that goes on in their life. They’re entitled to some privacy in the relationship. While you should be the most important part of their life, you’re not the only part of it. They have the right to a life outside of the relationship that you’re not a part of.

How to fix this:

Remind yourself that everyone has the need and the right to have privacy and that you have to respect that. Complete transparency is not the same as honesty, and you shouldn’t expect it in a relationship. When your partner doesn’t want to share some private information with you, respect their decision and back away. Learn to be happy with the things that they do share with you.

12. You lack empathy.

If you struggle to understand how others feel, it might be why they find it hard to love you. A lack of empathy can be a big problem in relationships. After all, you’re supposed to understand your partner’s feelings and show compassion. If that’s hard for you, you have to work on it. Empathy doesn’t mean much if you don’t express it. People want to know that you can imagine how it must have felt to experience the things that they are talking about.

How to fix this:

Try to imagine what it would be like to be in the shoes of the person who’s telling you about how they feel. It’s not enough to relate to the feelings, you have to understand them and show compassion. Say things like “That sounds like it was difficult for you” or “I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for you” to show that you understand. Be there for them and learn to show empathy.

13. You don’t engage in conversation or actively listen.

Maybe you only care about explaining your point of view when you talk to someone. You don’t engage in conversation or actively listen; you just wait for your turn to talk. This can make the conversations seem disconnected. Also, people generally don’t like to feel unheard. Your point of view might contribute to the conversation, but you should care more about the point of view of the person you’re talking to than your own. If people say that conversations with you lack compassion and warmth, this is something you should address.

How to fix this:

Work on your communication skills. Focus more on the person who’s talking than on what you want to say to them. Show that you’re listening by asking them questions to understand them better and prolong the conversation. Be willing to learn more about what they are telling you and be interested in doing so. People want to feel heard, especially if they care about you.

Related reading: How To Use Empathic Listening To Cultivate Great Personal Relationships

14. You judge people.

Making decisions requires judgement, but you may get caught up in constantly stating what is good or bad in your opinion. People want to feel accepted the way they are, so if you 

constantly judge everyone, this is why you’re difficult to love. No one wants to be judged and no one likes judgmental people either. This is definitely something that you should work on for the sake of your relationships, both romantic ones and other kinds.

How to fix this:

People are allowed to be different from you, and it doesn’t make them worse than you. Try not to judge anyone because you don’t know what it is like to be them. Things aren’t always what they seem. You would need to really get to know someone to be able to conclude what kind of person they are. This is not something you can guess based on their clothes or hairstyle. Don’t judge people, especially if you don’t know a lot about their lives.

15. You never apologize or admit you’re wrong.

Maybe you’re so stubborn that you can’t apologize or admit it when you’re wrong. Obviously, this will make your relationships difficult. Admitting your mistakes and apologizing for them is a crucial part of long-lasting relationships. When you can’t do this, your partner might start feeling like they’re always wrong. They won’t like always being the one who apologizes first. Fighting is not about who gets to be right, it’s about finding solutions to your problems.

How to fix this:

Learn to own up to your mistakes and apologize when needed. Saying “I’m sorry” is really not that hard, and it doesn’t make you a weaker person. Your pride doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of admitting that you’re wrong. You’re human, sometimes you’ll make mistakes, and it’s silly to act like you never make any. Learn to be okay with being proven wrong, and your relationship will flourish.

16. You’re unpredictable and unreliable.

If you’re unpredictable, your partner will always have trouble getting to know you. It’s okay to be a little mysterious, but it’s not okay if your partner doesn’t know where they stand with you. Maybe they can’t depend on you because you’re unreliable as well. If you don’t show up for them when they need you the most, it’s going to put great strain on the relationship. They need someone they can rely on.

How to fix this:

Show up for your partner when they need you. Let them get to know the real you. Be there for them and communicate what your next step is likely to be. Work on being more predictable and reliable because it could save your relationship. A therapist could help you with this so don’t be afraid to ask for help!

17. You’re self-destructive.

It’s hard to love self-destructive people. After all, no one wants to see their loved one destroy themselves. If you drink too much or engage in some other form of self-destructive behavior, it’s bad for you and for your relationships. Your partner doesn’t want you to hurt yourself, and why would you? People love those who know how to take care of themselves. You’re not taking proper care of yourself if you engage in risky behavior.

How to fix this:

Stop doing it. It sounds easier than it is, but you have to take this problem seriously and get help. Why would you hurt yourself instead of showing yourself love? This is something that you need to work on for your own sake, not just for your partner. Talk to a therapist who could help you find ways to put a stop to your self-destructive behavior.

For issues such as these, speak to a certified and experienced mental health therapist. You can speak to one via the website from wherever you are in the world at a time to suit you.

Here’s that link again to learn more or to arrange your first session.

18. You lie a lot.

People appreciate honesty, and no one likes those who lie a lot. Everyone will leave you after finding out that you’ve been dishonest with them. And you will get caught in a lie eventually. Instead, be a person of integrity. Be honest with everyone, especially with your significant other. Your relationship is doomed if there’s no honesty in it. Obviously, it’s hard to love someone who continuously lies to you. No one will tolerate dishonesty for long. So, this is something that you need to work on as soon as possible.

How to fix this:

Tell the truth, and you’ll see that it’s a lot easier than coming up with clever lies. You should always be honest with your partner if you want them to love you. Why do you feel the need to lie to them to begin with? What are you trying to hide? Work on being an honest person because it will help you in all your relationships, not just romantic ones. When you are afraid to say the truth, let the person know that you fear their reaction but don’t lie to them.

Related reading: How To Stop Lying In 6 No Nonsense Steps!

19. You carry baggage from the past.

The people in your life might be suffering the consequences of actions taken by people who are no longer in your life, and that’s not fair to them. Don’t punish your partner for the bad experiences that you’ve had in the past. Try to avoid bringing any unnecessary baggage into a relationship. People in your past might have hurt you, and it’s natural that you’re a bit scared to trust again. But don’t let these problems from your past influence your present, let alone your future.

How to fix this:

Learn to let go of the past. Don’t hold a grudge – forgive people who have hurt you instead. Let go of any resentment that you might be harboring. If your past relationships left you with truth issues, fear of intimacy, or something else, talk to a therapist about it. Don’t let your past jeopardize your current relationships because things don’t have to be that hard.

20. You’re NOT hard to love, but your partner makes you think you are.

In the end, you might not be hard to love at all. Maybe your partner is the only person who thinks that you are, and it is because they don’t truly care about you. If they can’t accept you the way you are, and you don’t have any of the problems that you’ve read about so far, it’s more about them than you. Some people will find it hard to love you because they are the problem, not you. While it’s not okay to assume this, if you’ve read all these reasons and you don’t think any of them apply to you, this might be the case in your situation.

How to fix this:

If your partner can’t love you the way you deserve, it might be best to consider ending things. You can try talking to a therapist together. However, if they can’t accept you for who you are, you won’t have a happy relationship. While they might find it difficult to love you, someone else will find it incredibly easy to absolutely adore you.

Still not sure why you think you are so hard to love or what to do about it? Get to the bottom of things with the help of a trusted relationship expert who can help you look at your behaviors, habits, and mindset with regards to dating and relationships. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out.

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.