Disappointment is inevitable in life, from finding out you didn’t get the starring role in the school play to being turned down for a date by someone you’re really into. Since it’s going to happen eventually (and likely several times throughout your lifetime), it’s incredibly important to learn how to process it in a healthy manner. Being able to handle disappointment with grace and dignity, such as with the eight behaviors listed below, is a solid way to ensure that you never end up on a YouTube video compilation entitled “Yikes”.
1. They use radical acceptance.
The concept of radical acceptance can be encompassed with the phrase “it is what it is”. According to Psychology Today, it’s key to handling disappointment in a healthy way.
Instead of getting upset and either wishing the results were different or trying to manipulate the situation so they get what they want, emotionally mature people simply accept their disappointment with a situation that didn’t go their way, and then take steps to move on.
That doesn’t mean that they aren’t affected by it, or that the disappointment doesn’t hurt them. They simply realize that people don’t always get what they want, and that’s fine. They don’t label the experience as bad, nor do they demonize those who prevented them from achieving their goals. It just is what it is.
2. They move their bodies.
Emotionally mature people recognize the internal frustration caused by a perceived disappointment and how it can manifest physically, e.g., with restlessness, insomnia, and even stomach upset or headaches. Harvard Health tells us a good way to channel this emotion and convert the energy into something positive is simply to move our bodies. It may be something formulaic, such as a martial arts kata, a Yogic Asana, or a set specific round of calisthenics, or something more free-form, like dancing or doing natural movement outdoors.
If you’re lucky enough to have a fairly healthy, functional body, this is a surefire and reliable method to process disappointment. No matter what I’ve gone through in the past, I’ve found that physical movement always has the desired effect of freeing me from whatever mental and emotional maelstrom I may be contending with.
3. They seek a life lesson in the disappointment.
One of the most important things an emotionally mature person can do after disappointment is to seek the lesson in their experience. Everything we go through offers us an opportunity to learn and grow, and it’s often through pain and/or heartbreak that we learn the greatest lessons.
For example, if you’re interested in someone and ask them out, and they reject you, how they turned you down can teach you a great deal about what kind of person you want to be. If they were cruel towards you, then you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that kind of mean-spiritedness and will be less likely to behave that way towards others. Instead, when it’s your turn to turn down a prospective partner, you’ll treat them the way you would have preferred to be treated in the past.
4. They channel their disappointment into creativity.
When you think about some of your favorite songs, do you consider just how many of them came into being as catharsis for heartbreak and disappointment? Many people use creativity to channel their emotions in a positive direction, and music is just one of the directions this can take.
Visual art is also a great tool for channelling emotion, as evidenced by Rodin’s sculpture “Danaïd”, or the painting of St. Jerome in his Study by Candlelight. If you’re creatively inclined and you feel that getting everything out visually or musically can help, definitely take that route. You don’t have to be a fine artist either: coloring in a book, building a birdhouse, or crocheting a stuffy bear are all great ways to process disappointment in a healthy manner.
5. They seek a new focus.
When disappointment hits (and hits hard), an emotionally mature person will often deal with this disappointment by shifting focus to something that’s within their immediate realm of personal control.
Didn’t get that new job? That’s disappointing, but there’s nothing that can be done about it. What you can do, however, is try out that new recipe you’ve been eyeing, go do some calisthenics or bench presses, or fix that thing in the house that’s been on the “to-do” list for months. It’s ok (and healthy) to be disappointed and to sit with that for a while, but dwelling on it won’t change things, whereas taking positive action is sure to lift your spirits and reaffirm your confidence in your abilities.
6. They reframe the situation.
We all look at life through the lens of personal experience, but that doesn’t mean that our perceptions adequately encompass situations in their entirety. We only see from one point of view, and that can often blind us to the greater picture, which can include positive aspects, to disappointment that we may not have considered.
Emotionally mature people can reframe an experience in order to handle it with grace, rather than getting caught up in a blinkered perception of what unfolded. Very Well Mind tells us that this “cognitive reframing” helps to shift our mindset to see things from a different angle.
For example, instead of being angry and upset at not getting a job they had applied for, an emotionally mature person can see it as an opportunity to finally start that business they’ve always wanted to run.
7. They utilize the power of journaling.
Sometimes (often, really) getting one’s thoughts and feelings down onto paper is a great way to exorcise them, especially when it comes to disappointment or loss. This is particularly true if said disappointment revolves around another person: if you can’t express how you feel because it would be inappropriate, then expressing them by writing about them is an ideal way to get these thoughts out of your mind.
Most emotionally mature people use journaling to express their innermost thoughts and work through things that may be frustrating or bothering them. Others might use loose-leaf papers that they can burn afterward, or use a digital journal that they can password-protect to ensure that their thoughts remain sacrosanct.
8. They talk about it with people they trust.
One important thing to note about emotionally mature people is that they can recognize when they need to talk to someone about what they’re going through. If the disappointment they’re experiencing feels overwhelming to them, especially if a lot hinged upon a preferred outcome, or a relationship they thought would last forever is falling apart, they know that they could benefit greatly from a sympathetic ear.
Some will turn to trusted friends or family members, while others may choose to speak to their spiritual advisor or therapist. What’s more, emotionally mature people will communicate what they need in a clear and healthy way. They know that there’s no stigma in asking for help when it’s needed, and recognize how important it is for them to reach out.
Final thoughts…
Age is never synonymous with maturity, and that goes for emotional maturity as well as physical and mental. You can have a teenager who’s far more emotionally evolved than someone in their 70s, and a great deal depends on how much difficulty they’ve experienced and evolved through. The good thing about emotional maturity is that we have a lifetime to develop it: we just have to ensure that we’re choosing to do the work instead of hiding away from the discomfort that comes with introspection and evolution.
