Relationships thrive on balance, mutual respect, and consideration. Many of us enter partnerships with the best intentions, genuinely believing we’re showing up as our best selves. Yet sometimes, our actions speak a different truth than what we intend. The gap between how we perceive ourselves and how our behavior impacts our loved ones can be surprisingly wide. Even the most well-meaning among us can fall into patterns that subtly prioritize our own needs and preferences above our partner’s well-being.
But self-awareness can serve as a bridge between our intentions and our actions, allowing us to recognize when we’ve strayed into selfish territory and course-correct before too much damage is done. Becoming conscious of these 8 self-centered behaviors is the first step toward creating a healthier dynamic.
1. Checking your phone during conversations while maintaining you’re “still listening.”
We’ve all been there (I certainly have, more times than I’d like to admit). Our partner opens up about their challenging day at work, and eyes downcast, we respond with occasional nods while scrolling through our social media feed. We insist “I’m listening” when they pause, frustrated that our attention is being divided.
Common though it is, few behaviors communicate disinterest more effectively than the mid-conversation phone check, aka partner “phubbing”. When you glance at notifications while your partner speaks, you’re essentially announcing that whatever might be happening in your digital world holds more value than their words, and research shows that, done consistently, it’s linked to poorer relationship satisfaction.
Your presence –your full, attentive presence – represents one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer someone you love. Putting your phone away and dealing with your phone addiction doesn’t just improve communication; it demonstrates that in this moment, nothing matters more than connecting with the person before you.
2. Dismissing your partner’s interests or hobbies as unimportant or boring (even if only through your body language or lack of engagement).
Although you may not overtly tell them they’re passions are boring, subtle eye rolls or changing the subject sends the message loud and clear. You only want to talk about things you find interesting.
You might well find your partner’s interests boring, but when they share them with you, it’s their way of offering a glimpse into what brings them joy. And brushing aside these moments cuts deeper than you might realize. Every dismissive comment or uninterested response erodes your connection, sending a clear message: “The things that matter to you don’t matter to me.” Over time, your partner may stop sharing altogether, creating distance where intimacy once existed.
Supporting someone’s passions doesn’t require sharing them. Simply acknowledging their importance validates your partner’s experience and strengthens the bond between you.
3. Making decisions that affect both of you without consultation.
Do you often commit to hosting the entire family for the holidays or purchase expensive concert tickets from shared budgets without mentioning it first? If so, you might be more selfish in your relationship than you realize.
This type of unilateral decision-making creates an imbalance of power that undermines partnership at its foundation. Even seemingly minor choices like rearranging shared spaces, committing to social plans, or changing routines send messages about whose preferences take priority in the relationship. And whose don’t.
Many people make these decisions with good intentions, believing they’re being efficient or sparing their partner unnecessary discussions, but consultation matters more than most people realize in relationships. Tony Robbins tells us this is because nearly every decision you make in a relationship will impact the other partner.
Yes, collaborative decision-making takes more time initially, but it builds trust and ensures both people feel valued. The question isn’t whether every tiny choice requires discussion, but whether you’re honoring your partner’s right to have input on matters that impact them.
4. Consistently prioritizing time with friends or on hobbies over quality time together.
Social connections outside your relationship provide essential perspective and support. And individual hobbies and pursuits keep our lives varied and independent. The problem emerges when external relationships or interests consistently take precedence over nurturing the partnership itself. Many people unwittingly communicate that their romantic relationship sits permanently on the back burner, ready to receive attention only after their other needs are satisfied.
And this doesn’t go unnoticed by their partner.
Repeatedly choosing friends or hobbies over quality time with the one you claim to love more than any other sends a powerful message about priorities. And it’s just plain selfish. There needs to be a balance, otherwise it becomes a one-sided relationship where only one party is getting their needs met.
5. Directing conversations back to yourself when your partner is expressing feelings.
I’m pretty guilty of this. My partner begins sharing their work frustration, but before they finish their second sentence, I jump in: “That reminds me of what happened to me last week!” And before I know it, I’ve hijacked the conversation. This is a tricky one, as for many people, especially those who are autistic or AuDHD, this can be a way of showing empathy and understanding, and making a connection. They aren’t intending to be self-absorbed, but it doesn’t always come across that way.
The outcome is often that without realizing, you’ve redirected attention away from your partner’s emotional needs.
Emotional intimacy develops when both people feel truly heard and validated. So whilst it’s fine to relate to their experience by sharing one of your own, especially if this is how your brain is wired, it’s important to turn things back to them again afterwards so that their conversational needs can be met too.
6. Being financially opaque or making significant purchases without discussion.
Financial behaviors often reveal our deepest relationship values around trust, security, and respect. Making unilateral spending decisions in a partnership demonstrates a troubling willingness to impact someone else’s financial well-being without their consent.
Money decisions ripple through relationships, affecting everything from daily stress levels to long-term goals and security.
Partners deserve transparency about resources and input on expenditures that impact shared finances. The appropriate spending threshold for consultation varies between couples, but the principle remains consistent: financial decisions that affect both people require mutual agreement.
7. Leaving the emotional labor of remembering important dates and events to them.
Emotional labor – the invisible work of maintaining relationships and managing household social calendars – often falls disproportionately on one partner. I’m sure you can guess which partner this usually is in heterosexual relationships. This imbalance creates a parent-child dynamic where one partner is overfunctioning rather than an equal partnership. It’s also a big driver of resentment in relationships.
When you consistently rely on your partner to track important events, purchase appropriate gifts, maintain family connections, and manage social obligations, you force them into a coordination role they never requested. You may do this through weaponized incompetence or under the guise of “but they’re better at it than I am,” but the reality is (especially for women) they’ve had to get better at it because they’ve had it thrust upon them by society from an early age.
Many people undervalue this invisible work, not recognizing the mental load it creates. Taking initiative to remember significant dates and manage your own relationship responsibilities demonstrates respect for your partner’s time and energy. Leaving them to manage your mental load as well as their own is just pure selfishness.
8. Refusing to acknowledge how your mood affects the household atmosphere.
Emotional energy transfers between people, particularly those in close relationships. Your mood creates ripple effects throughout your household, influencing everyone’s sense of safety and comfort. To deny this impact prevents accountability for managing your own emotional states responsibly.
Partners who consistently bring irritability, negativity, and stress home without acknowledgment or effort to manage these feelings create an unpredictable emotional environment for everyone in the household. What’s more, others learn to suppress their needs and adjust their behavior to accommodate your moods.
Many people struggle to recognize how dramatically their emotional state affects loved ones, but developing emotional awareness is an essential relationship skill. Taking responsibility for your moods doesn’t mean never experiencing difficult feelings, but rather acknowledging their impact and making appropriate adjustments. Simple phrases like “I’m struggling today – it’s not about you” or asking for 10 minutes alone time after a bad day at work to go and decompress can make all the difference.
Final thoughts…
It’s likely we all engage in some or many of these behaviors from time to time. Especially as relationships get more comfortable, we can unwittingly slip into bad habits that take our partner for granted. But becoming aware of these selfish patterns of behavior in a relationship marks the beginning of positive change, not a reason for shame or defensiveness. We all develop blind spots, but if we can be curious about our behavior and choose to make changes, we can avoid ending up in a one-sided relationship.
