Not everyone is forthcoming with their genuine feelings. Sometimes you just can’t be, because it’s not socially acceptable or you just don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. That lack of communication makes things more difficult when you are trying to figure out where you stand with someone.
They may not verbally say whether or not they like you, but people communicate more than they realize through their actions. Here are seven subtle behaviors that will clue you in on how they really feel.
1. They make passive-aggressive, sarcastic remarks about you.
At its core, passive-aggressiveness is veiled hostility. Psychology Today informs us that passive-aggressive behavior is caused by negative feelings, such as someone not liking you. A person who uses passive aggression may be a nonconfrontational type, or it may be that the social situation doesn’t allow them to be as hostile as they want to be, such as being at work.
Still, they make biting remarks, undermine what you have to say, and make you the butt of their jokes. In most cases, they won’t own up to this behavior. Instead, they will deny it, tell you that you’re just misunderstanding, or brush it off as not that serious. Whatever their reaction, passive-aggressiveness is not the response of someone who likes you.
People who like and respect you will tend to be more direct in the way they talk to you. They will want to address and resolve issues so that you don’t have that tension between you. Resolution is the goal because they like you and want to be able to interact with you without that additional baggage.
2. They minimize their necessary social interactions with you.
No one wants to spend a lot of time with or talking to someone they don’t like. If they have to, they generally try to keep the conversation tight so they can move on to something else. They may give short, direct answers that serve no other purpose than to directly answer the question with no elaboration, even when appropriate.
Whatever the reason is for disliking you, the goal is the same: to end the conversation as quickly as possible by giving you the necessary information so that you can move along. They purposefully avoid engaging with you, even if it’s something they need to engage with you about.
People who genuinely like you will want to be around you. They won’t be trying to cut the conversation short or move on to something else. They won’t be trying to get away from you. Instead, they’ll seek you out for your company.
As an autistic person, this was a difficult lesson to learn because people are often still polite, but they don’t go any further than that. I struggled because I wasn’t aware of the different contexts of politeness until it was spelled out clearly for me. There was one person who I thought was my friend. They were always nice, smiling, and personable because that’s the respectful way to act, but they were also always distant because they didn’t like me as a person.
3. They may be more combative and challenging with you.
Someone who has a problem with you may want to cause problems for you. They won’t often be direct about it because it’s not socially acceptable to just pick fights with people. Instead, they will be trying to make your day worse in ways that won’t arouse suspicion. One way they may do that is to be purposefully difficult.
You may find that they ask inane questions or constantly nitpick details. They may ask you to explain something multiple times, not because they don’t understand, but instead to waste your time.
Questioning your ideas or plans is a way for them to dig at you to try to make you question yourself. The goal may be to make you feel self-conscious or like you’re not doing things right, so that you’ll feel bad about yourself.
No one who likes you is going to want to make you feel bad or cause problems. Of course, they may ask questions, but they won’t be questions asked in bad faith or just to irritate you. They will want to hear more of what you have to say.
4. They avoid meaningful engagement with you.
Typically, if you don’t like someone, you don’t want to create a situation where they will want to be around you more. Instead, you want distance, so there is little reason or want to be closer. A person who doesn’t like you, who’s trying to create distance, won’t engage with you on a personal level.
They may ask superficial, polite questions, like “How are you?” because it’s expected, but they don’t delve past that. A person who likes you and is genuinely interested in you will go deeper than that. They will ask about your personal life, what you’ve been up to, and just otherwise take an interest in who you are as a person.
5. They forget to include you or purposefully exclude you.
Passive-aggressive people will sometimes take the route of not including you in things when they don’t like you. They may be fully aware that you would be interested, but enjoy the idea of making you feel bad by not inviting you along to whatever the activity may be.
On the other hand, a lack of invitation may not be purposeful. They may not invite you because they just don’t think about you in the same way that you think about them. If they don’t like you, then they aren’t really concerned with trying to make you feel included or keeping you in the loop unless they absolutely have to.
Naturally, people who like you will want you to be around them. They’ll invite you to things so that you can be present, and they can enjoy you. They may go out of their way to make sure you can be included.
6. Their social energy shifts when you come around.
Different people bring out different social energy. A person who is into a conversation, feels comfortable, and who likes the people around them will often be lively and energetic. However, when someone they don’t like comes around, their social energy will shift.
Instead of being open and accommodating, they withdraw because they don’t want to make you feel like they want to interact with you. They don’t want to share energy or connection with you and would rather maintain whatever distance already exists.
People who like you will be warm and welcoming. Their energy will be positive with a greeting, maybe a smile, and a “How are you doing!?” It’s easy to feel when you’re wanted somewhere because it’s more warm and inviting.
7. They exhibit defensive or closed body language.
Body language often reveals more than we intend, and there are certain signs that will tell us exactly how someone is feeling. Closed, defensive body language tells us that the person is not receptive. They aren’t interested in being there or wanting to be around you.
There are some caveats here, though, because some people, such as those who are autistic or who experience social anxiety, may appear closed off when that’s really not the case. They just have a different way of communicating that is equally as valid.
Tutorials Point gives us many examples of how a neurotypical person may display closed body language, like folded arms, not making eye contact, and looking around the area, or seemingly not being a physical part of the conversation. For example, they may have their arms folded and they’re leaning against a wall with their body facing a different direction from you.
Neurotypical people who like you, on the other hand, are going to be more open and expressive toward you. They will stand or sit in a more relaxed posture, typically with a smile or more eye contact that shows they are happy that you’re there.
To be sure you’re not incorrectly making assumptions about someone’s body language, look for changes in their behavior rather than the behavior itself. For example, if someone rarely gives eye contact or always has a serious expression regardless of who they are with, this doesn’t tell you much about their intention towards you specifically. If their body language is different with you than with others, this might be more of an indicator, but do look out for the other signs on this list too.
Final thoughts…
In most cases, people won’t come out and directly tell you that they don’t like you. Most people don’t want to appear to be the bad guy or cause any more waves than are absolutely necessary. Instead, they act in subtle ways that communicate their displeasure clearly.
Granted, it’s not always an openly malicious choice. They may not be deciding to act in these ways. Sometimes, it’s just a natural reaction to someone they don’t like. If you’re around each other a lot, you may have to learn how to deal with the person who doesn’t like you, but the bottom line is that you can’t let their actions disturb your peace.
Not everyone is going to like you, and you’re not going to like everyone, and that’s okay.
